Rather, I am having difficulties moving on a chapter in life - and I am aware that it is due to my reluctance to let certain things go. I am not even sure why I am so afraid of losing what I foresee myself losing and I resent the situation I am in. I am trying to rejoice over my gain(s) rather than grieve too hard over the loss(es). I have hoped to convince myself that the gains are better than the losses. However, something always crops up to disillusion and discourage me, and I go back to square one, feeling defeated.
In times like this, I remember my battle with eating disorders years back. I wonder how I would have made it to where I am now without God's gracious help. It may sound so religious of me, but I say this because I am often my worst enemy. The number of times I have sabotaged myself by allowing fear to creep in, giving in to temptations and condemning myself later are countless. Trusting in God? Right. I was terrible at it, to be honest. It was tough believing that there could be something better and more life-giving than the counterfeit that I was clinging on to so desperately. God's lovingkindness and help did lead me to trust Him eventually. Nevertheless, it was all too easy to take my eyes off Christ and sink back into the pit. I am, after all, human. My mind was a constant battlefield. I was way too easy on myself. Or was I?
I need that same grace now. The grace (and the strength) to cast my burden upon the Lord so that I might find rest for my soul. (I blogged yesterday's post with my struggles in mind.) The grace to trust that He knows what He is doing and where He is leading me.
I feel so Jonah. In the belly of the whale.
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