Faithful

I attended a preaching workshop at the seminary yesterday.

While the seminary feels stranger than it used to (I've not been there since I stopped working at the Holistic Child Department), something about it felt like home. The smells, the steep slopes, the sweat climbing up 'em steep slopes, the smiles, and the mesmerising seaview. The snakes too, I suppose.

It has been more than 2 years since I graduated. 

I. Can't. Believe. It. 

Anyway, it was during the workshop that God reminded me through Isaiah 6... that those who have chosen to serve Him should be faithful, even if not successful. 

Isaiah was never successful in the eyes of the world. He was never meant to be. His hearers, well most of them, shunned him. They would hear and not understand, see but not perceive... and continue wallowing in their sins and afflictions.

Have I been faithful? I think, this is a hard question to answer. It is especially tough on me because my self-esteem isn't on an all-time high... and I don't know if I'm being honest or self-critical.

See, I am that apple tree who doesn't seem to bear much fruit - compared to other apple trees. And I'm not sure if I'm supposed to be that way - or if I haven't given faithfully enough. Will I even produce another apple tree? We tend to measure one's faithfulness by his/her achievements and success. But what does God see when He looks into a person's heart?

I wonder what He sees when He looks into my wandering heart. I certainly don't feel very faithful myself. 

It is so easy to be faithful when you're constantly plugged into a people up on a "holy mountain". What happens when you live on the other side of the island - absorbed in nothing your holy mountain prepared you for and far away from your support network - and much of your world is made up of people who can't relate to your calling and its struggles? Temptations abound, a cynical veil blinds, troubles multiply, and foreign ways overtake and choke. After a while, you start to doubt your calling. Did God call me in the first place? What if I was wrong all this while?  

Yup. 

A friend of mine said something today that made me realise that I don't actually understand what faithfulness is. So far, I've always seen it as a human effort - something you beat yourself up to do if you are prone to slacking. However, as my friend talked about how God has been performing painful but liberating "heart surgeries" on her since she decided that she was ready for them, I was rather blown-away by the revelation that perhaps faithfulness is not just about me striving to be loyal to God and His call. For a human being, it is about receiving and hungering to receive more from God with regard to allowing Him to deal with the existing pain and guilt in your life (even while the process might be even more painful) so that you can be free to choose to love and obey Him. My friend said that she can't help but love Jesus now after what she had received from Him. 

It must have been a similar experience for Isaiah. His lips were cleansed with burning hot coal, so hot that the seraphim had to pick it up with tongs from the altar. (Do you smell that burning flesh?) It must have been excruciating - but it did set him free to later volunteer himself: "Here I am! Send me." (BTW, I don't think God was asking a rhetorical question, "Whom shall we send?" expecting Isaiah to say YES.) Perhaps then, we should see Isaiah 6 as Isaiah choosing to devote his life to God's cause having received God's gracious intervention in the knotted, tangled, painful, conflicted depths of his soul. Isaiah 6, I think, has far more to do with Isaiah choosing gratefully (and joyfully) to love a saviour God than him merely wanting to serve God's purposes because it was the right thing to do. Love God and success becomes unimportant - because you live to please God rather than the world who defines that success.

But will I be willing to taste that pain?

End of rambling. 

I miss her

I stumbled upon her student ID card while clearing out my wallet yesterday.

According to a friend of mine, she is still around somewhere, in a new season of experiences. I would like to suggest that she has metamorphosed into something/someone I never thought she would. For the better, I suppose. Don't fuss. She is not dead. (Or is she?) She just... faded away. The last I heard of her... she's moved on.

But of course, I miss her. She was younger than I am; more unaffected and free-spirited; inexperienced but bold. While I should rejoice that the new has come and the old has gone, it is difficult to imagine where I would be today if not for her. The lessons she learned, the experiments she did, her failures, the God-given gifts she left me, and her diligence to write to me constant reminders to remember all serve to strengthen me in my current endeavours. She believed in life - and she believed in God. Her prayers, I laughed at them - but their outcome defied my cynical presuppositions. God heard. And He did the most marvelous things. She struggled fiercely with her shortcomings and she struggled to follow Christ; but it was so that I can struggle with more faith and assurance today. The assurance that God would never leave nor forsake me - because He never left nor forsook her, and was so perfectly merciful and gracious to her.

Because she was, I am. And because I am, she would be.

Once upon an unconventional path

Tomorrow, the seminary begins a new term.

Here I am, feeling sad that I will no longer have to climb that steep slope leading up to the seminary buildings for classes. A little terrified, even.

The kind of lifestyle that I am used to... is definitely not one for the faint-hearted (then again, faint-hearted, I actually am... it is God who has helped me to not be faint-hearted). Now that I have been relieved from it, I am lost.

I am lost when I do not have to make the effort to look nice/decent/presentable for classes in the mornings (and loaf around in my pyjamas, at least until lunch time). I am lost without the anticipation of classes, credits, more assignments to work on and deadlines. I am lost without the familiar presence of my lecturers and seminary mates, who can more or less relate to my uncertainties regarding the kind of life I have been called to live. I am lost without the between-classes breaks, during which we dip biscuits into hot Milo/coffee, fellowship, attempt to defrost in the sun (if the classroom A/C froze us to bits) and then make a beeline for the bathrooms. (Sometimes, a sleep-deprived scholar would choose to snooze before the next period.) I am lost without my pianist duties at chapel services. Without Goongkey.

These things... they used to order my life in the context of a community, within time and space. I will have to get used to a new order. Of some sort. If it earns me some pocket-money, all the better. :P


I wouldn't say that I have lost that sense of purpose that took me from my previous field, through the seminary and so on. I believe that God still leads me with His loving eye upon me. Motherhood, the now-but-not-yet... I believe, is the next part of the journey that I would have to step into before any other lifework can fall into my lap. I would also like to think that being a stay-at-home mom was part of the deal all along, when I left medicine. It was... one of my childhood dreams, inspired by my own mother - and I am thankful that God made it happen, albeit upon an unconventional path.

To my seminary mates who are attending classes tomorrow and beyond... may you have a great term ahead!

Memories of those good old days

2009. Kevin. Derek. Me. When we were young(er). And memories of that memorable song which we co-wrote - and somehow recorded. Giggles, bloopers and all. :D

Gratitude

I graduated with my MCS (Master of Arts in Christian Studies) last November.

According to the original plan, it was supposed to be MDiv (Master of Divinity) and I was to graduate this year (2012). However, something happened (or rather, uncertainties pertaining to life-after-marriage cropped up; Ben was planning to leave his previous company). After talking to my pastor, academic dean, Ben, closest friends and mentors, I decided to graduate a little earlier with less credits, just in case we were to leave Penang. If that had really happened, there would have been at least some sort of "closure" to my studying at MBTS. Two other reasons for my graduating first with an MCS was because: (1) I was quite lost with regards to where I was going in life.  (2) I was very exhausted from my 8-9 years of intensive tertiary education. I needed a break...what with the new journey I was going to embark on - i.e. marriage.

Two weeks before the graduation, God gave us a clearer picture of where He wanted us in the next few years (as you can guess, Penang) and what He wanted me to do post-graduation. After much prayer and some good counseling from my academic dean, pastor, Ben, etc, etc, I ended up graduating, yes... but more than that, I applied to complete my MDiv, albeit on a part-time basis. Which means, I will graduate again in 2014. I just have to take the remaining credits on top of those I had already obtained in completing my MCS.

Anyway, all these things aside...

I wouldn't have come this far without the support of my family, hubby, prayer partners, mentors, care-group members and close friends. I think prayers were the most valuable gifts that I received - they must have done abundantly more than my eyes can perceive, my dreams can reach and my mind can understand. Thank you, all who earnestly prayed and fasted for me. The monetary love-gifts - some from unknown strangers who preferred to stay anonymous - that fed me, fed my car, clothed me, paid my rentals, covered my medical/utility bills and afforded me the opportunities to go on mission trips <especially before I came under the covering of my husband, and when I was jobless> must have been one of the best results of those prayers (other than the encouragements). I feel so.

I don't know how I could have survived without those kind and generous contributions. When I remember the past 3-4 years, I am amazed at how God never failed to provide for me. He did not only provide me with the things I needed - but there were many occasions when He graciously blessed me with the kind of wonderful surprises which only a Father who dearly loves His child can give. An undeserving child too - one who questions, impatiently grumbles, whines and whimpers, cries and fusses, makes trouble, grieves the Father's heart and sometimes breaks the rules. Eeek.

Those of you, who availed yourselves to be God's many channels of blessings to me ~ thank you. Not just the money - but the prayers, encouragement and love.


Aunty May Ling, who decided to trust God and sponsor my school fees even when she hadn't met me in person ~ thank you. You have been a wonderful spiritual mother and friend. I feel very privileged to have been able to learn so much from you with regards to being a faithful wife, wise mother and diligent servant of God.

Thank you.

After ironing a truckload of clothes...

...I'm feeling victorious...

In real life, nobody looks so pretty while ironing. A perspiring, red-faced and disgruntled person wrestling with stubborn creases would be more realistic.  Picture source

...and boy, aren't my knees aching bad.

Anyway, so that my ironing was a little more "spiritual" than usual (hehe), hubs and I were listening to 2 devotional programs on an online Christian Radio - one after another - while I ploughed away at the mountain of clothes.  I must say that listening to God's Word while doing housework really pumps joy into the chores. The Word we received tonight was pretty relevant to our circumstances too.

For me, "No Shortcuts" was seriously good encouragement. Most of you are wondering what I will be up to after my graduation last month. Yes, I've indeed obtained my MA in Christian Studies... but through a divine twist of events, God has led me to spend two more years at the seminary, working on my MA in Divinity. Yups...and so it's more masters assignments/papers to come! *Faints dramatically* I have been feeling rather depressed about this so far *sob, sob* (even with all the confirmations; plus my cousin-sister even prayed and received a word from God that 5 years in the seminary isn't too long *sweat*...and that I am to continue waiting, praying and doing what I am supposed to be doing) ~ but "No Shortcuts" brought home the fact to me that there should be no shortcuts at all in responding to God's call... otherwise, we will miss out on the essential processes that were meant to shape our characters and sharpen our "axes" for God's mission for our lives. Instead of dwelling on the frustration of being "stuck" too long in one place, let me let go of my nomadic instincts, look on the bright side and be thankful that I would have had a very balanced tertiary education, haha - 5 years in medical school and 5 years in the theological seminary, with 9 months of church work experience in between. At least, my twenties would have been well-spent on equipping myself mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually for God's work - whatever and wherever it may be. Last but not least, the icing on my cake? I have the most supportive hubby in the world - at least to me! XD

I hope to do some part-time work and go on mission/ministry trips while I study though... will definitely keep you updated in my later blog-posts.

Fitness project is resuming tomorrow after 2-3 weeks of break. *Tsk tsk* Looking forward to pumping iron and spending time on my pretty, pink stationery bike again. Haaah!

Good night, world!

Graduation pics from 11/11/11

My supportive lil' sister who took a few days off to come up to Penang for my grad :')

On the day of my grad...so nervous, dunno why

Putting on my mortar board took ages...coz my head was too small (no wonder have to study 2 more years...my brain + head till have space to grow)

The sister eating KFC whilst waiting for my grad to begin

I attended their graduation 2 weeks ago...now it's their turn to attend mine

Parents-in-law :)

Graduants getting ready for the processional 

And here we come

Shaking the MBTS president's hand

Dr. Sunny (my academic dean) putting the hood over my head + mortar board... Mortar board  nearly fell off my head, even with the hair-clips securing it in place. Caught it just in time...

Walking away cautiously...so tht my mortar board would stay in place (look at my amused dean)!!

Graduants' recession

with Pamelyn Teh

with Vanessa

with my in-laws

the beloved husband

with Pst. Tan Peng and soon-to-be Pst. Matthew Wong :)

...and Matt's bride-to-be, Ai Hua

with Dr. Lawson, my biblical interpretation lecturer who has always helped, encouraged and affirmed me... even though his assignments are difficult.

...and Mrs. Marsha Lawson, my pastoral counseling lecturer

And 2 more pictures not taken by Ben...

with Serena and Ai Hua (this pic was taken with Serena's camera)

by Eunice's camera

Graduated with my MA in Christian Studies

By God's grace... 

So what's next? :)

Monday

Sat for my final test in MBTS on Friday - under the supervision of Pastor Mah. Went out with my spiritual formation group-mates for thosei and curry mid-morning - after the test. Truly enjoyed the fellowship (and thosei - Pst. Mah's treat). It has made me miss school even more. After our thosei session, it was good to have a short chat with Pam.

Tomorrow, I will meet my academic dean to talk about post-graduation. Thankful for the appointment - because I am feeling badly confused and dilemma-ic. Praying that God would speak to me through Dr. S and grant me His grace to express myself verbally. During such emotionally-stressful turning points of my life, I thank God that He has always given me the godly counsel of those in spiritual authority.

My weekend was quite unproductive but I feel so tired. Really need to draw close to God in prayer and through His Word. Psalm 1 has been a good reminder. She who meditates on God's Word day and night is like a tree planted by streams of water; which bears fruit in season and whose leaves never wither. Whatever she does prospers. O God... give me the strength and determination to hide Your Word in my heart... that I may meditate on them day and night. Let me be serious about this.

The sudden absence of assignments is rather unsettling, haha. But let it be so, that I might do my language studies with more fervor and undivided attention.

Done with my last batch of assignments...

Just finished brewing my sermon. It is done.

After a week of very, very late nights... boy, am I glad that my last batch of assignments is completed! *laughs*

Last night, I got home from language studies class... went out for late dinner/supper with the hubby... returned home and tried to work on my sermon - but I realized that my brain was working way too slowly. Usually I'd just put it aside and continue working when I'm a little fresher... However, I somehow couldn't seem to put it aside last night. So I pressed on and on and on... till morning. It was very difficult - the hubby was snoring nicely away in bed, behind where I was sitting. Consequently, I felt so attracted to... our bed! Thankful and glad that I persevered though, because it means that I can have a whole day off tomorrow to work on my language studies, have coffee and spend some much-needed time with God... before Saturday's conference. God, thank You for helping me and giving me all that strength and wisdom!

Blogging about assignments has been so boring. Hee hee. Sorry to have bored you too, my dear readers. I'm glad that I will take a break from writing papers for a while.

Waiting for Pst. Mah to give me the green light to sit for my final test next week.

I'm so tired that I'm practically falling asleep while I blog this... *yawn* Good night, people.

After an intensive few days...

 ...of research and exegeting, sleeping past 3 or 4am and waking up earlier than usual... my brains feel like they've been a little fried.

Had a little emotional "breakdown" last night... and literally cried myself to sleep. Poor hubby... he felt rather awkward and helpless. My side of our bed was strewn with floppy tissues this morning. Now I feel bad. I taught my class with swollen eyes today. How cool is that!?

On the brighter side, my exegesis on Mark 2:1-12 is finally done. Thanks be to God! Surprisingly, I didn't take quite as long to complete it as I did with my previous exegeses. I am ready to move on to coming up with my own paraphrase for the whole passage and write out a sermon plan. Consequently, my final set of assignments for MCs will be completed.

To take a break from my assignments, I accompanied the hubby to Bukit Mertajam after I was done with teaching. We also had lunch in Auto City, where a car/super-bike exhibition was going on. I had 3 scoops of extremely nutty chocolate ice-cream after lunch at Ice Ice Baby... and we then we paid a short visit to the exhibition.

Back home now. Gonna do indulge in an endorphine-inducing activity - i.e. a short session on my bike - before going out for CG and dinner.

Assignments and etc...

I'm in the midst of exegeting Mark 2:1-12.

I was supposed to choose a story/parable/miracle/teaching of Jesus as sermon material... And then - exegete the passage, paraphrase the whole passage in my own words... and lastly produce an outline of my sermon. Since the miracle in Mark 2:1-12 (of Jesus healing the paralyzed man brought on his mat by 4 other men) really meant something to me - it's a really beautiful passage with loads to learn from all angles) I chose Mark 2:1-12 to exegete. It has been a great experience so far, albeit really hard work - at least for the left and right hemispheres of my cerebrum. And I'm wondering if any silver threads have sprouted from my scalp yet. Or maybe I'm losing too much hair too quickly to catch them. Been thinking of going to some hair/scalp treatment center. Any economical recommendations? 

It's my dad's birthday today - and being the not-very-filial daughter I am, I did not go home to celebrate with him. *Sad face* Thanks to the convenience of technology, I wished him on Sunday... and wished him again today - but somehow it doesn't feel enough this year. Ben and I hope to return to KL some time at the end of the year.

FIP has been going well. Am eating and exercising well. I am feeling more toned and my clothes fit much better already! :)  

New toy and Monday

Received a pretty un-birthday present from my hubby yesterday. We were shopping for a new hand-phone for him - because his handphone has been really misbehaving in the past year and it was becoming quite the nuisance. Ben ended up buying two android smart-phones. One for himself and one for me! I was surprised and elated. This is my very first android/smart phone ever - a Samsung Galaxy Ace. (Catching up with the technology, aren't I?) We did look at the Galaxy S2, but I decided that the price wasn't quite worth it. Ben ended up getting the Galaxy Mini for himself. To quote the hubby when asked why he got me a new phone when mine was actually still doing pretty OK (except for part of the keypad having detached itself from the phone and the corners scratched - nothing irreconcilable), "I just want to pamper you lah!" :)  Everybody say: Awwwww.......

Needless to say, I have been happily playing with my "new toy" since yesterday evening. Xie xie lao gong! :P Haha!

Today's cooking: fish in lentil and vegetable stew... served with fresh coral lettuce and wholemeal bread. Absolutely yummy. There was a tangible sweetness in the stew thanks to the corn and carrots; the well-seasoned fish completed the stew's flavor and made it so wholesomely appetizing that we were quite sorry when the last bit of stew had been mopped up with bread.

Also an update on my final set of assignments for the year and for MCs: I have been trying to get into my assignments today... and so far it has been awfully difficult. I will be definitely working late tonight. May God grant me strength and wisdom.

Monday

Quite a productive Monday. I love Mondays, because they are usually quite uneventful - and I have all the time in the world to catch-up with my work or go out with my FTM friends.

Woke up alive and kicking... Gobbled up half of the huge slab of mille crepe cake from Humble Beginnings which my brother-in-law had kindly left at our place the night before. It was uber delicious - peanut butter and blueberry cake, with a glorious, golden coating of cheese *slurrrrrps*- that I felt that my hubby must try it too! Did my first round of laundry... followed by my Church Reformation final reflection paper and finished it (VICTORY!!!)... This means I only have one more course's assignments to complete before I graduate in November. Oh, plus one final examination on the Book of Mark. I keep forgetting that.

Went groceries-shopping at Tesco's after I had completed the paper... and then returned home, did another round of laundry and had a late lunch. I can't remember what else I did till 5pm (I must have been tired). Did half-an-hour of biking, followed by 15 minutes of weights... and then began cooking dinner. The dishes turned out well, praise God for wisdom and good ideas... (One of the reasons I am loving my home-making duties - particularly cooking meals - is that I am able to get alone with God. The experience of bustling around our tiny kitchen, knowing that God's presence is there with me and knowing that He is enjoying my immense delight in crafting meals, is a beautiful one. Divine one, even.) My hubby and I were blessed with yet another good meal this evening. Tomato-ginger fish with fresh button mushrooms, carrots, bell-peppers and basil... and crunchy broccoli stir-fried with loads of garlic. A very anti-cancerous meal, eaten with our usual brown rice. After dinner, the hubby kindly washed up the dishes - and then we went out for a nice relaxing drive. 

Gonna do some language studies tonight (suddenly remember that I haven't done my language studies assignments... promise I'll do them tomorrow)... and then call it a day. O happy day! :)

Graduation prep

It has been a busy week; I haven't been blogging much either. Nevertheless, I am happy that I managed to meet most of the goals, which I said I should meet, at the beginning of the past week... all by God's grace of course; otherwise I would have yielded to the temptation to procrastinate and dawdle.

With the MBTS graduation 2011 drawing near, I've had to immerse myself in the procedures required for graduants... and so, I drove to MBTS on Thursday. Braved myself for the graduation photoshoot despite my bad hair day, mega-bloated face and puffy eye-bags. Blearrgh. I felt like my own hero after that! *Pats own back*

Mortarboards try-out day at MBTS for graduants. Photo credits: Pamelyn Teh

Photo credits: Pamelyn Teh

I just felt a little awkward (and embarrassed) that I am going to graduate so soon. Sometimes, I don't feel like I deserve my MA in Christian Studies... because I still feel like there is so much that I haven't learned/mastered - but perhaps this is my perfectionism speaking. For me, learning should be always on-going. One can never learn too much in life. There is always place for personal growth, improvement, new knowledge, etc. I am never satisfied. However, I have to remember that there is a time for everything...and that God makes all things beautiful in His time. This season for full-time, formal theological studies has come to an end. Perhaps, there will be another season like that (sooner than I expect) - and if so, I would be ecstatic about it. However, I will now need to take a break from working on seminary assignments/papers and let God grow me - heart, mind and soul - through the experiences of work and ministry, other part-time studying I will be taking up, motherhood (not so soon but a definite feature of the future) as well as greater commitment to my roles as a wife, friend, daughter and sister. A quote by the late missionary, Jim Elliot - who was just a year older than me when he was martyred for his love for Christ and obedience to God - will continue to be my life motto: "Wherever you are, be all there. Live to the hilt every situation you believe to be the will of God." There is even no need to strive to be who I am not, for the sake of visibility, fame, reputation or man's approval, but I just need to excel in being faithful and authentic ... and most importantly, balancing out my "limps" by leaning on God. I live not for myself, but for Christ...and by doing so, I am assured of the greatest fulfillments in life. I desire to live the abundant life Jesus came to give (John 10:10).

Well, glad I ain't doing it alone...

And therefore... let me look forward to graduation.

A little "getaway" from Reformation History...

Today was quite an amiable day for me. I had a one-day break from my Church Reformation History assignments. Quite a needed break too, since all the different theologies/doctrines/movements/etc are all jumbled up in my brain - but despite the complex-ness of these, I guess I like this subject pretty much. It helps me understand my Christian foundations and why the Church is in the condition it is in today... as well as reminds me that ALL his-story is not just "man's story" (like I learned in Sejarah Tingkatan 1 back in high-school) - but ultimately His-story - as in God's story. How consistent the hand of God was in ushering the Word made flesh into our world even from the very beginning of Adam's fall! And yet - despite the trials, chaos, confusion and dark phases His Church subsequently underwent - how faithful God's shield has been over the living hope of His Church even as we await Christ's second coming and groan with the rest of Creation "as in the pains of childbirth" (Rom 8:22-23). Reading about the movements that took place in the Reformation era with the objectives of getting the Church back on the right track, purging the Church of corruption and wrong religious attitudes, as well as systematizing Christian theology truly moved and mesmerized me. Even though those movements were never perfect and had their humanistic flaws, each one left its own rich legacy in our Christian discipleship today and served as a precursor of many future movements within the Church to come. For those who are keen on an intense, detailed read on the history of Church Reformation and Christian Theology, I highly recommend Roger Olsen's "The Story of Christian Theology"... :P The other book I was reading is a little too long-winded, and therefore I shan't recommend it here.

Anyway, I went out for lunch, did QT, studied grammar over coffee and a scone... went for my language class in the evening... and then I returned home to a pack of Cheezels - which I savored while watching "The Colony Season 2" on telly. It was so not doing my sore-throat any good - the Cheezels (ah, I also forgot that I should have drunk coffee :-P Hee hee) - but I am drowning my insides with what seems like gallons of water now (serves me right)! I hope I'll be fine tomorrow. I never learn, do I?

Tomorrow, I will get back to my studies. I promise.

Monday

Picked up speed with my assignments... and praise the Lord - I finished reading David Pawson's "Come with me through MARK" today. Very thankful that Pst. Mah included this reading among my many assignments. Gonna type the book report tomorrow.

I would say this to every Christian: this book is a fantabulous read, especially if you yearn to appreciate the Gospel of Mark (as well as other Gospels) more and understand the mysterious things Jesus did. The chapters are short, yet precise and you are always left wanting more. Sentences are pretty simple too. (Also, it helped that the author was humorous and down to earth!) The final few chapters had me on the edge of my seat whilst reading about Jesus' betrayal, trial and execution. I am glad that the book did not emphasize too much on the gory details like the movie, "Passion of Christ" did - and yet it seemed to touch me deeper. David Pawson does have a gift with words indeed. I've not read such a compelling book in ages. Understanding the Gospel more, I now love it with an even greater passion.

Gotta go plug myself into God now... Tomorrow's going to be another day of thinking, juicing my brain, typing, cooking, etc. Good night world!

Down to one...

I guess through this season of searching (for direction in life, post-grad), I am learning much about myself.

Sometimes the learning comes in a form of my struggles. Especially when I realize that I am not cut out for certain work, no matter how I strive. Also, I get to know my bad attitudes, who my best friends are... and how unspiritual I can be at times. Sometimes the learning comes in a form of my hubby's affirmation of my gifts, his observations on how I react to certain challenges in life/previous job which I've never realized and some constructive criticism (in a good sense - I just can't find another word to describe it). Sometimes the learning comes in the form of God's Word, which by the power of the Holy Spirit, transforms me by the renewing of the mind. Someday, I know - I will look back at this season and have wonderful reasons to treasure it. Even in the midst of all confusion, uncertainty and disorderliness, God has already made many good and happy memories for me.

Today, by God's grace - my hubby and I had a brainwave or two - and we narrowed down my post-grad options even further...to one ~ for the moment. *Phew* Need to pray more about it, so I don't think I'll say anymore about this option at this stage. It's definitely not anything I had in mind 3 years back. I think I will need to start putting my CV together soon, just in case. To those who have been so supportive and praying consistently for me, "thank you" is too light a word (or is it two?) to express my deepest gratitude - but still the most relevant. God is not unjust; He will not forget your work and the love you have shown Him as you have helped His people and continue to help them. (Hebrews 6:10)

The introvert blogs...

Today, time went by extremely quickly.

For a change of environment, I did my assignments at the Border's Starbucks Cafe in Queensbay Mall. Bumped into Eunice (a fellow seminarian) while I was traipsing around the mall after lunch - before I settled down at the cafe. I felt incredibly encouraged to see her. You can say that our short encounter lifted my spirit plenty of notches higher. We caught up a little, standing outside Padini Concept Store - and I realized how much I've missed the folks at MBTS when I haven't been around.

I will miss my seminary mates even more after I graduate in November. *Sob!* :'(

Well, I thank God for Penangites like Ai Hua and Vanessa who will still be around even after we've all graduated. And some other faithful close friends (church and non-church). I am still in dire need of gelling into the Penang community - even after like 5 years on this island. There is no proper sense of belonging yet, whatsoever. Perhaps, that is the hard part of being an introvert - and a melancholic one too. I make close friends with certain people wherever I go (by God's grace, the friendships grow really strong), stick to them till we need to go separate paths and then there would be inevitably this period of "mourning"/feeling very disconnected... even though we would still keep in contact and maintain the friendships long-distance - some more faithfully than others. When my friends left me in Penang after our med school graduation in 2008, I suffered quite a loss. In fact I grieved as if I had lost a leg and an arm - so to speak. (Thankfully God was merciful; He gave me back a new "leg" and a new "arm" - after a little waiting.) And I'm afraid that I might experience that all over again pretty soon. *terrified* My only comfort is that my God is faithful - and He is the same yesterday, today and forevermore.

Maybe, that is the ultimate reason why I keep wanting to leave Penang. It isn't about Penang. (Penang isn't such a bad place to be in. Everyone wants to come to Penang - whether it's for the authentic food, a more laid-back kind of lifestyle, work or the properties. In fact, my dream was to live and study in Penang when I was a little. There are great people on this island too - some of whom have become my good friends.) Rather, it is about my affinity toward the people who became family to me over a period of time when I was in many difficulties. And when I miss people, I miss them hard. Good memories are precious to me - I depend on them pretty much when I am emo-ing. Thank God for an excellent, photographic and videographic (is there such a thing?) memory. He must have lovingly built that in me, knowing that I would need it to cope with life, haha.

I believe God made me the way I am for good purposes. It's just that I need to turn to Him for strength when the way I am wired at times makes me vulnerable. Nobody can and should take the place of God in my life.

I honestly don't know what I would do without Ben - my Penangite hubby. He is the God-sent extrovert who keeps me from getting too lonely, complements me well and forces me (in a good sense) to join him in making friends - anytime and anywhere! :)

Timeout

At halfway point through my paper. Feeling like I can write no more....I am not even sure what I am to write! Meh....Maybe some sleep would be good.