moving on...

In the past week, my heart has been feeling as tender as a piece of meat which I've slapped with the back of my Chinese cleaver-knife and marinated a day with salt, pepper and herbs.

Like I mentioned in my previous posts, I've even sensed God speaking to me through the randomest movies/people/books about things dearly important to my heart - particularly moving on in life and becoming a whole person so that I can serve Him better. This has been the crux of this season's life lessons somehow. There are so many facets of moving on; so many past issues to put to an end; people to forgive... Also, one has got to accept the fact that there are many things that can't be changed - but still need to be addressed and their "sunny sides" harnessed so that while history doesn't repeat itself, sweeter history can be wrought in the future. More than anything, one who desires to move on has got see that man's history is ultimately all about a gracious and sovereign God. Because of Him, there can be beauty in ashes, triumph in tears, sweetness in brokenness... and hope - the light that is shining at the end of the dark tunnel.

Anyway... last night, after returning home from a worship practice at church, I clicked on one of the telly channels... and watched the ending of a movie purely for the sake of entertainment (I don't even know the title of the movie.. tsk, tsk, tsk...) Suddenly there came a scene whereby the girl, who was struggling with her parents' divorce, was crying in the arms of her loving step-mother. Her step-mother later conveyed the message to her husband (the girl's father) and his ex-wife (the girl's biological mum) that while their divorce couldn't have been avoided in the past, they still needed to bring their marriage to a proper and respectful closure (very sad I know) - to honor the love that they once had for one another. This was also so that their daughter could rest assure that she had been a product of parents who were in love with one another, wanted her and did think that they would stay married forever. I cried at that part. But I also felt somewhat... comforted.

Now, I don't advocate divorce. I come from a family whereby my parents loved and made many sacrifices for their children. Nevertheless, my parents' marriage could be at times likened to having "bats in the belfry"... As a child, I suffered greatly from the many brokenness that resulted from it all the conflicts. Towards the end of my mom's life (which was drastically shortened by her illness as well as depression), my parents hardly showed one another love. My mum cried a lot on her own and my dad was mostly absent from the home. It took me quite some time to accept that their marriage did fall apart. Many times, I swung to-and-fro between being angry with dad... and sometimes, with mum. Other times, I was just confused who to be angry at. The long periods of silent treatment they gave one another drained me and I wondered why couldn't they just go separate ways instead of staying together for the sake of us, children. Occasionally, I would fantasize being so gravely ill that my parents would just come together and we could be a happy family once again. Yeah, stupid. But if you were ever in the same boat, you'd understand.

My time spent in medical school (away from home) brought tons of healing upon my life - but I still struggle at times. Recently, I realized (through talking to a good friend) that my strange habit of giving up when I predicted a failure of some sort (in any aspect of my life) was a kind of escape mechanism. Unconsciously, it's a way to protect myself from the hurt which I saw my own mother putting up with before, because it freaked me out. This was also part of the reason - none of my BG relationships in the past ever lasted. Whenever I saw an imperfection, I would plan my route of escape from being in that particular relationship so that I could avoid the pain. Ben was the only who was able to hold onto my heart despite all odds and somehow I did not manage to completely lose hope in my relationship with him (although I hurt him many times - like when I threw my engagement ring at him once, when I was angry about something). Consequently, while my courtship with Ben was the most painful (sometimes I cried till I wanted to die, haha), it brought about the most joy and healing; indeed God's grace has surpassed our weaknesses. We are... married! :D

Having arrived at where I am today, I blame neither my dad nor my mum anymore. However, I know I have yet to put the past behind me - and move on so that I can give myself fully and wholly to my marriage and God's service. Indeed knowing that I am a product of parents who were very much in love with one another, wanted me and did think that they would stay married forever makes a whole lot of difference to me.

And I believe that God had wanted me to know that.

Your past is not your future

I believe that God has been speaking to me in the recent few days.

I blogged recently about how a Korean drama series (Personal Preference) I watched last week ministered to me very unexpectedly and tremendously - because I saw so much of myself in the main female character - her life, her failures, her personality and yet the turning point... In the past few days, I watched 2 other movies which I randomly picked (or rather, Ben randomly picked... In fact, we watched them because we were bored. The titles did not reveal anything about the story-lines) - and while both movies were simple, somehow I got the same message. So relevant and timely the message - that I strongly felt that it was God speaking to me. Every time it came, I could feel the tears pricking my eyelids.

"Your past is not your future. And whatever you've released to God in the present, trust that it will be in sovereign hands."


I'm not sure if Ben was mindful that I have been contemplating on this message (because I didn't really talk to him about it - despite raving about the Korean drama, haha) - but yesterday, while we were having dinner, he tenderly looked me in the eye and prophesied upon my life. Actually he has been doing this since Sunday. Hearing such words from him is powerful for me somehow - as his wife. It's not just about making me feel good - but the words bear such divine weight and stir up my soul to trust God again. They remind me that every failure, every tear cried and every prayer I've prayed will not be in vain.

In Christ alone my hope is found.

As a verse from Stuart Townend's and Keith Getty's song goes:

In Christ alone my hope is found... 

He is my light, my strength, my song. 

My cornerstone, my solid ground...

Firm through the fiercest drought and storm.

What heights of love, what depths of peace
When fears are stilled, when strivings cease
My Comforter, my All in All
Here in the love of Christ I stand.

Refuge

Sometimes I feel that God has His own sense of humor.

Today, I made a comment to hubby: "I don't know why... but I really like watching dramas with a particular storyline whereby the main guy, who was all cold, aloof, strong and silent (complete with the poker face).... who never got along with the main girl of the story (who is most often gawky, geeky, awkward, different from other girls, not that attractive on first look etc. - in summary, she has to be totally not his type) - suddenly found himself in love with the girl (of course she loves him too), but she only got subtle hints of his feelings through certain actions (most of which are of a rescuing nature - eg. rescue her from trouble). Then suddenly, in the most unlikely circumstances, he made the BIG confession... and then even though there would be many more conflicts to come, there would be always sweet moments because the girl now knew that he loved her."

Of course, my hubby cracked up. Even I laughed. (Who wouldn't? I bet God was smiling too.)

Was doing my QT just now (late evening) - opened up my Bible to the spot where I had stopped reading the last time. The words of Psalm 62 tugged strangely on my heartstrings in a way I did not expect. I mean, I've gone through this Psalm many times... but the words have never aroused such emotions.

"Truly, my soul finds rest in God... my salvation comes from Him. Truly He is my rock and salvation; He is my fortress, I will never be shaken..." and "My salvation and my honor depend on God; He is my mighty rock, my refuge. Trust in Him at all times, you people. Pour out your hearts to Him for God is our refuge...." and "Power belongs to You, God; and with You, Lord, is unfailing love..."

Suddenly, I felt that God was ministering to me powerfully. Such stirring.

The comment I made to Ben this afternoon suddenly came to mind. I was led to reflect on my childhood - whereby I always longed for an older brother to put his arm around me and protect me. To talk me out of my fears. To tell me that it was OK to be different from others; and I did not have to pretend or lie to be accepted by my peers - or look a certain way. When I was old enough to develop crushes on guys, I would wish that my crushes would do the same for me... and I was always silly enough to make so many self-sacrifices for everyone of them that whenever I found out that the someone I liked was going after another girl, I would be extremely hurt and my already low self-esteem would plummet even lower. Haha. I never thought that I was beautiful before I walked my journey of healing from eating disorders with Christ... and I never felt that any guy would care to date me.

As I was wondering about this, I re-read Psalm 62... and I realized that all this while, there has been a deep longing in me for a redeemer - and a safe refuge. Perhaps, I hardly saw my dad around when I was a kid (coz he was always working hard) - and so I lacked a sense of being cherished and close to a loving father. I didn't know God as a kid - therefore I was so used to transferring such neediness to the guys I like-liked. Obviously, the great need and hunger for love, affirmation, acceptance and protection remained unmet. Even while I am now married (and I have an awesome hubby), the need for such aspects is not completely met. Because only one can fully meet that need. God Himself.

Back to my comment, I felt that God was showing me the reason why I liked such kind of drama storylines... It was because I often unconsciously put myself in the shoes of the gawky, geeky, awkward and unattractive girl.

I would wonder about God (whom I saw as cold, aloof, strong and silent) just as the girl would wonder about the guy. I would long for His unfailing love, acceptance, affirmation and protection - just as the girl would long for the guy's. I would fear His displease and disdain, just as the girl would fear those of the guy. (Suddenly it's not just about being a hopeless romantic, is it?)

And today, I feel that God has responded to my comment with an assurance: "Your salvation comes from Me. Truly, I am your Rock and Salvation... I am your fortress; you will never be shaken. Yes, your soul... find rest in Me. Your hope will come from Me. Your salvation and honor depend on Me. Trust in Me at all times... pour out your heart to Me - for I, your God, am your Refuge..."

Today

It hasn't been a cheerful week for me (all kinds of stressors, nightmares, etc), so I haven't been blogging much - to avoid exaggerating my troubles, haha.

Anyway, I haven't been very well for the past 2 weeks.

After the health-scare last week... I came down this week with a gastrointestinal problem. It developed in the wee hours of Thursday morning. A nauseating and yet sharp pain in my abdomen woke me up; I ran to the bathroom, stayed there trying to keep from passing out - and then I spent a long time on the couch in the living room writhing and clutching my tummy in pain. Eventually, I stumbled back into our bedroom - and tried to sleep, but the pain was really too bad. Had to wake hubby up (and according to him, I was very cranky and mumbled some nonsense before passing out). In the morning, the lower part of my abdomen was all bloated with gas which couldn't be passed out. Every movement brought excruciating pain. While I did not call off my lunch appointment with Rachel (which I was glad I didn't), I spent the rest of the day drinking ginger tea and doing a Korean drama marathon on Ben's laptop.

Yes, I haven't done drama marathons in a long while now. The last one I did on my own was on a Japanese drama series i.e."One Litre of Tears' in 2007. That was a sad one - which made me cry every episode. (It didn't help that I was trying to get over a heartbreak then!) Thankfully this one (Personal Taste) made me laugh more...although ugh, I couldn't help getting very emo and sentimental even though there were almost no tears shed. (Maybe I cried in my heart.) Coz the main character in the story (Park Gae-In) reminded me of myself in many ways... what she went through, how she metamorphosized, her heartbreak, her pains, etc. I was also reflecting on my journey with Ben... yes, although it has been only 3 years plus since we began going out with one another, it has not been an easy 3 years. In fact, 3 years felt like a decade. The rocky patches were excruciatingly rocky - till I felt like I wanted to die. (I'm not exaggerating) Many tears were shed. Etc. But God was really gracious to me and faithful to us. On our wedding day, we could really celebrate the conclusion of 3 years made beautiful through pain - all glory to God.

People have been asking me (which I suppose it's normal for a newly wed) how married life is. Well, I'm definitely loving it. Being married doesn't mean that we stop having disagreements, quarreling or doing our petty fights (haha) from time to time. However, I feel that my love for Ben Wong has deepened; my respect for him as a man has grown; and the oneness we share strengthens me to trust, hope and stop being afraid.

Anyway I'll leave you with an excerpt of the blog post I once did on my first meeting with Ben, coz it makes me smile.

Monday, 21st January 2008:

"Really enjoyed the company and fellowship of our guests - Yeh Han and Ben (a different Ben from the one previously mentioned in my blog entries - I shall refer to him as Engineer Ben, to avoid confusion...and since the other Ben is a med student). Never really talked to Engineer Ben before this, even though we go to the same church - but I was very blessed to have an opportunity to talk to him before dinner. (Since I was not cooking, Esther and Lucas made me entertain our guests!:P - I was given a choice of playing the piano - some kind of lounge jazz or similar nonsense, I suppose - OR talking to the guys - and DUH, of course I chose the latter!) Found in Engineer Ben such a sweet, gentle and quiet spirit, and his heart tender for the Lord. He's really funny too, despite his quietness and humility. I pray that God would pour upon Engineer Ben an abundance of joy and strength for whatever trials he's going through now, if any. And Lord, may Your peace that transcends all understanding guard his mind and heart in Christ!

We talked and laughed ourselves hoarse over dinner. Coz the guys were hilarious! The food was wonderful too - thank you, Esth and Luk!

Went for my usual walk under the patterned stars in the sky. Many thoughts were swimming around in my head - but it was such a beautiful night that I wasn't too bothered by those - thank You Lord for it! Sometimes we desire so many things - that we forget to look around to see what God has already blessed us with to enjoy in the meanwhile."