Sophie's diaries : Easter 2017 and her Not-so-Infant Baptism

After wrestling with the idea of infant baptism for 3 years, we finally decided to baptise our firstborn today.

Now of course, by this time, she isn't an infant anymore. She is also able to confess on her own that Jesus Christ died on the cross for all our sins - hers, mummy's, daddy's, gong-gong's, ah-ee's, etc - whatever her understanding of sin is - and yet, He is alive. She requests prayers; prays over the little hurdles she meets in life (like "God, please put all the bad guys in the world in the naughty corner..." or "God, please give us an empty parking lot..."); looks forward to the eschaton where she will meet especially that older brother who died in mummy's tummy and returned Home to God; and is able to reason much more than an infant. She manifests faith to a certain extent. Her baptism was not-so-infant. But, I am glad that I thought through the whole infant baptism thing... and I am not too ashamed to admit that my previous understanding of it could have been incomplete.

Here are the points I thoroughly considered:

First, while it is essential that a person confesses with his mouth that Jesus is Lord and believes in his heart that God raised Him from the dead (Rom. 10:9), where in the Bible does it say that baptism can only be administered for one who has reached the age of reason to do so with full conviction prior to baptism? While repentant converts were certainly baptised as the impetus for discipleship, we also read in the Book of Acts that their families were baptised with them, e.g. Lydia (16:15) and the Philippian jailer (16:33). Among the families/households must have been children of all ages, infants included. Furthermore, the Apostle Paul notes that baptism has replaced conventional circumcision; it is to be a "circumcision made without hands" (Col. 2:11-12). As we know, circumcision under the Old Covenant was for Jewish infants as much as it was for older boys and men among God's chosen people. Such unaware infants were circumcised in anticipation of the faith and community in which they would be raised. Would Paul have chosen such a metaphor for baptism if he had meant to exclude infants? And what about the mentally disabled who can never fully reason on their own?

Secondly, one is admitted to Holy Communion on the basis of his/her baptism. In other words, baptism initiates one into the life of the church community, beginning with the Lord's table. If we expect our children to participate in corporate worship, get serious about God, commit to discipleship, and make disciples (Matt. 28:18-20), they should first have a sense of belonging to the community. Holy Communion, I believe, should then be an important part of a child's early experiences of church because it nourishes this sense of belonging. (Of course, teaching children not to take it in vain is just as important.) Furthermore, the Holy Communion and its liturgy speak so much of God's grace - past, present, and future. Holy Communion is in fact, a sacrament that strengthens, affirms and conveys the grace it symbolises. Must a child/infant, by virtue of his/her baptism, only have access to it when he/she reaches the age of reason? What is the age of reason anyway? Can we, adults, say that we are fully reasonable at our age?

Thirdly, what is baptism? Is it just a public manifestation of a person's conversion or is it more? Is it necessary for salvation? For those who can be baptised, "...Baptism... saves you... not as a removal of dirt from the body but as an appeal to God for a clear conscience, through the resurrection of Jesus Christ" (1 Pet. 3:21). Baptism joins us to Christ's death by which we are set free from the power of sin - because he/she who dies finally escapes the grip of sin (Rom. 6:7). Just as God's people were no longer slaves in Egypt through the water, we are no longer slaves to sin - and we can finally obey God if we wanted to. We can now say NO to sin and say YES to God - a lifelong responsibility and journey. Which parent, given the opportunity and their authority over their children's lives, would not want to avail this grace to them - the ability to say no to sin and say yes to God? "Permit the children to come to Me," Jesus said as His disciples rebuked the mothers bringing their brepha (Greek: infants) to Him so that He might touch them; "and do not hinder them for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these" (Lk. 18:15-16). One day, they must decide for themselves to follow Jesus wholeheartedly. But until then (and who knows what tomorrow might bring), is it not right for parents to bring their brepha through the exodus waters of freedom so that the brepha grow up in a new kingdom?

I am sure that I would be more open to baptising the next infant I have (if ever).

Sophie's Diaries : A month to her 3rd birthday

The past few months approaching her 3rd birthday have been magical.

S (finally) began sleeping through the night without waking up for milk, she toilet-trained, she began eating proper portions of (solid) food in school instead of just nibbles and loads of milk, feeding her out of the home is no longer barking up the wrong tree, she rinses her mouth (after brushing teeth) at the sink instead of all over herself, she counts objects in order, she dresses herself, etc. 

Wouldn't it be wrong to say that she is more human now? But it sure feels that way to me - and I thank God. It was very nerve-wrecking for me before this - keeping an alien alive. 

Well, I am loving and enjoying her loads. I just want to enjoy her as my only child as long as I can. It's rather like marriage, I suppose. You're aware that you and your other half might want a baby in the future; however, you don't want to rush into that parenthood thingamajig without having enjoyed some years together as a couple first. I know time ticks on and neither the hubs nor I are that young, but really, I know I'll really miss having all that time with her if I ever had another. If you ask me, she's enough. She is exceedingly and abundantly more than I could have asked for or imagined. 

But I speak for myself. She keeps asking us for a baby sibling nowadays, more than ever. She'd pat my tummy once in a while, and ask if the baby was in there already... or why is it getting bigger (sheesh)... She woke up one morning, and said brightly: "Mummy, I dreamed last night... I went back into your tummy... and then, I came out. Mummy, do you want another baby in your tummy?"

Of course, I was wide awake after she popped the question. And a little troubled now. Haha.

We interviewed her this evening on the prospect:

Me: Do you really want a baby brother or sister?

Sophie: I want... baby brother AND sister. 

Me: Sophie, if I have a baby, I won't have so much time for you. Who is going to play with you?

S: I will play by myself.

Me: If the baby cries, what are you going to do?

S: I will sayang the baby.

Me: Who will help me to look after the baby?
S: Sophie!

Me: If the baby comes to you and says, "Jie-jie, bao bao (carry)," what will you do?"

S: I will bao bao the baby very softly (she meant "gently"). Then, if we sit together like this (she gestured in glee toward the bench we were sitting on - hubs, Sophie and myself), baby will sit here... next to me. 

Me: But I won't be able to bao bao you anymore...

S: You can bao bao baby.... You don't need to bao bao me anymore. Daddy will bao bao me.

Did I ever mention that she is a very determined little girl?

Groan. Don't grow up too fast, baby girl. 

I recently read a very good book.

It has inspired me to remove myself from the cult of achievement and "earlier/faster is better" so prevalent in my part of the world, and strain towards a home life full of child-led play, imagination, making teachable moments and growing learners. The flash cards will still have to flash, because Sophie's school uses them, but I have never resorted to use them at home and I won't start. 

Here's toward the last month of her 3rd year. 

Sophie's Diaries : Graduation from a Parenting Course

We did it. As a family.

Yup, Sophie sat through the parenting course with us. She wouldn't have had it any other way. She refused to go off to the creche for babysitting services without us (duh). We told her that she could stay if she kept very quiet throughout (two-and-a-half-hours each session) - and she mostly did, which was amazing, I thought. Win win.

Of course, she needed some help to stay quiet. Her own little chair to sit on, lots of snacks, some toys, some trips to the bathroom, a pillow to nap (she'd hug me when she was tired and fall asleep on my lap), and lots of reassuring hugs (and kisses) as well as shushes. Also, ehem... some warnings that she might have to go to the creche after all whenever she got a little bit noisy. That part was inevitable. Nevertheless, she was generally well-behaved - God be praised - and it was such joy to have her with us throughout the DVD sessions, discussion group and etc. I am so, so proud of my grown-up baby.

Our group (sans one more couple who arrived late yesterday) and our facilitators (first 2 from left to right)

The parenting course was aimed at parents or caretakers of 0 to 10-year-olds. Together, we explored the building of strong foundations in our children's lives, their needs, boundaries that have to be set, healthy relationships that have to be modelled and encouraged, as well as our long-term aims in parenting. It was tremendously helpful to have our group facilitators share their parenting experiences with us; we also discussed our common struggles, especially in disciplining our children (and disciplining them while their grandparents try valiantly to come to their "rescue"). Very encouraging, definitely.

I think the course also helped me as a teacher to children, a majority of whom are below 10. After all, teachers are said to be acting "in loco parentis" while the kids are in their care i.e. "in place of a parent" (latin). While I believe that "in loco parentis" is in the professional context of educating the kids (as in, teachers are educating the kids in place of their parents back home) rather than a parental relationship (which often requires one to provide assistance to the kids beyond professional boundaries that might be inappropriate), we have to be yet mindful of the values they catch from us, the image of God as Shepherd that we portray, their needs, their self-worth, and the boundaries we need to set. Throughout the course, I was reminded of how ripe my mission field of teaching music is for harvest - and how lucky I was to have been equipped with the tools to reap.

January, Chinese New Year... and my birthday

January has been quite an overwhelming month for me. 

First, Sophie fell sick. Then I caught her bug and had to be quarantined for a while. Since I've had to replace classes for the students who went on Christmas vacations in December, my medical break meant even more replacement classes! On top of these, I had to juggle ministry assignments too. To keep me from being depressed, my wonderful hubby kindly (and thankfully) made the decision to spend the first few days of Chinese New Year and my birthday eve in KL (with my side of the family) instead of Penang. I was extremely grateful for that because I only had 5 days off work anyway. 

It was so good to be my dad and sister over the long weekend. Sophie was delighted to see her Gong-gong and Ah Ee whom she misses and prays for nightly.

Gong-gong a.k.a. granddad

Long walks with Ah Ee, who is ever so obliging.

Dim-sum-ing with the family. This was when our toddler grabbed us by the collars (literally) and demanded that we kiss in public... much to the amusement of those at our table. "Daddy, please kiss Mummy... NOW!" We did, even though it was a little embarrassing. Talk about PDA...

Now we know who inspired Sophie to make weird faces at the camera.

With the family before we returned to Penang. This was one of Sophie's "faces".

As I celebrate my birthday today (technically it was yesterday, but it's not "yesterday" till I sleep and wake up again), I am mesmerised by the message that was impressed upon my heart today while I meditated on Israel's Exodus in the Old Testament: Faith in God is ultimately not about looking forward, but remembering what He has done in the past. The Israelites were to live the new lifestyle that identified them as God's people and do so, remembering this: "I am the LORD, your God who who brought you out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of slavery." (Exod. 20:2) The pivotal event was to stay fresh in their minds and hearts. The Jewish passover still commemorates it today. Likewise, our faith in Jesus Christ cannot empower us to hope in the present if we do not make it a point to keep remembering and celebrating what He has done for us - on the cross as well as in the valleys we have trudged through. We can never truly see what lies ahead of us - the bad as well as the good - but because God has shown Himself to be good all the time, we have the evidence that His goodness will prevail, come what may. We can be confident that His good will triumph over evil or the worst of our fears - the best of what we can ever hope for. It is then no wonder that Hebrews 11:1 says: "Now, faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see." This is a faith that keeps looking back and refreshing itself.

And so I start my new birthday year by remembering.

Advent, Circus, and Such

Advent this year has been pretty special for me.

It's because I wanted it to be special.

The liturgical season of Advent zooms in on remembering, waiting and anticipating. We remember the surprise of the first Advent and we look forward to the second Advent of the Lord taking us by surprise again. That Baby in the Manger will return as the conquering, vindicating, eternal King... because there was a terrible cross. But not just a cross; there was Easter.

Advent exhorts us in our layovers, wherever we are.

Speaking of layovers, I thought about this while I was on a long, multi-city flight recently. I didn't choose a long layover because I like long layovers (contrary to what I jokingly shared with a friend recently). Rather, it meant a reduction in airfares to fit my skinnier-than-skinny momcation budget. Planning for the overnight layovers, I thought of all kinds of ways to make the hours fly by. Maybe, I'd read a book or two - I've always liked an overnight read. Then I'd sip a Starbucks' coffee in the wee hours of the morning. Walk around Changi's T1 transit area, window-shop at the bookshops, write post-cards, celebrate something, pray, enjoy the free wifi, Skype, eat a good breakfast the next morning, etc. I packed well for the layovers - including pantyliners galore. I must say in retrospect that I truly enjoyed my layovers, tiring as they were! Of course, I couldn't wait to arrive at my destination(s), but choosing to make the most of my layover and spice things up made all the difference to the waiting. Advent is rather like the treats I planned for my layover in the sense that it refreshes us to wait patiently while we wait.

As we carry our crosses on our personal death marches - not merely the day-to-day human burdens and sufferings but the commitment to make the sacrifices any true disciple must make in a world that rejects Christ - we wait, as His Easter people.

We wait because every today passes into a tomorrow. And the great, unending Tomorrow will come when "He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away" (Rev. 21:4).

We can only imagine for now. Which is why it's important that we observe Advent. At the end of a year so full of ups and downs, Advent keeps our vision clear, our priorities straight, and our joy full. We reflect: If Christ will come again, how should we live our lives in the year ahead? How should we simplify life, minimise the distractions, own less, give more, and see potential in our burdens? If Christ will come again, how should His great commission (of making disciples) take a front-er seat in our lives so concerned with living in the world? If Christ will come again, could we be comforted as we mourn and weep in grief? We pause to celebrate: We bless others, deck the halls, carol, savour time with our families, dress up, etc. New Year comes and we are given a foretaste of the Beginning of all new beginnings.

My Advent this year took off in Taiwan. As you'd probably gather now, it was pretty special because amidst all the traveling (and overnight layovers at Changi Airport), I had all the time in the world (for once) to pray and meditate on God's goodness. And now that I'm back, I have been all for making the season special for Sophie. My hope is that she would always look forward to Advent (and Christmas) and that all the family celebrations would leave her a legacy of treasured memories which become sacramental when she's grown-up enough to understand the Biblical significance of Advent.

It's all good, innocent fun with the family. Nothing overly religious. I am one of those moms who are absolutely serious about our Christian faiths, I assure you, but I am also realistic at the same time. S is a tod after all. (If you're wondering, yes, we talk about Jesus and pray at bedtime on a daily basis - these we don't just do during Advent.)

First, I let her delight in Christmas trees. They are everywhere, dashing and dazzling. We even have a mini one in our home. Sophie decorated it with her toys (we don't have proper ornaments). Very authentic.

Secondly, while the Queensbay Mall is out to wow shoppers with their whimsical Christmas decorations and holiday favourites, we discovered a train making its rounds in the central atrium which you could ride for a fare. Sophie was so happy, riding it with mummy (the sharp turns gave me motion-sickness though; I must be getting old) during a mom-daughter date. I was happy to see her so happy.

Thirdly, we watched a stunt circus the other night. Acrobats, trapeze artists, jugglers, hoop dancers and rope dancers dazzled us with their smiles - and stunts. As it was Sophie's first time experiencing acrobatics, she was spellbound throughout the entire session. (We had to give her fish keropok at regular intervals to keep her from doing her own stunts and getting into trouble!)

Finally, we will be spending two nights away as a family in Cameron Highlands and another two nights in KL during the Christmas week.

I hope that you are having a meaningful Advent yourselves!

A family trip to Genting Highlands

3 weeks went by in a flash. I can't believe that we are only 3 months away from Christmas!

All I remember of the last 3 weeks is teaching piano, practising piano, writing for Lent, eating loads of ice-cream, and going away for a holiday with Ben and Sophie.

Speaking of which...

Being a music teacher means having to break when it's the school holidays - public holidays and term breaks - otherwise I would have to do replacements, which I dislike. (There are no sick leave or annual leave entitlements, where I work.) First, it is a hassle to find a suitable time slot when both the student and I are so busy. Secondly, it means having to teach during the precious hours I usually spend at home (with Sophie) or during a holiday when my colleagues are not around (very lonely). Lastly, I would rather have my official holidays free for traveling if I need to. And so, when I fell sick recently, I made sure that my hospital stay did not extend beyond my off-days. I went back to work only a few hours after I was discharged! Contrary to popular opinion, it is not because I am a workaholic. Rather, it is because I want to enjoy my holidays to the fullest. 

Since we haven't visited my dad in Subang in a long while, we decided to do it during my break this month. As Genting Highlands is less than an hour's drive from Subang/KL, we thought, why not spend a few days there too? 

And so, we went. 

Sophie was very excited at the idea of going away for a few days with her superdad and supermum as well as Moon (her stuffed baby giraffe). She looked forward to seeing Kong Kong again and going on merri-go-round rides. The adults were more for the cool weather, rest and timeout from work. I also badly wanted to enjoy doing nothing with the family. That's important too, you know. 

Unfortunately, Sophie came down with food poisoning on our first day in GH. It must have been something she ate in KL. (Good thing it happened in GH and not while we were still in KL because if it had, we would have forgone our stay in GH and missed out on all the fun.) It began with a burning hot fever that night and in the wee hours of the next morning, she began purging every hour or so. Sometimes, she would soil her nappy right after we had changed it too. Thankfully, this is not our first time dealing with her condition and so we were well prepared for the emergency - prayers, meds, ointments, soy milk (to replace her regular formula milk), extra diapers, detergent to wash soiled clothes, etc. The challenge, however, was the sore bottom. Sophie cried (screamed in pain to be exact) every time we had to wash her bottom and after a while, she wouldn't even tell us after she had defecated for fear of yet another bathroom visit. Supermum has a very strong sense of smell though... Nights were the worst. She would wake up with random stomachaches and soil her nappy so that her parents would have to clean her up in the height of their grogginess (and disorientation), comfort her profusely, and settle her down again. This happened more than once. It also became increasingly difficult to get her to eat her medicine! There was a lot of gagging, throwing up and she even grew wary of drinking soy milk (because I usually mix her medicine in). Happily, the diarrhoea eased up a little on our third day in GH and she is back in the pink of health now.  

Despite the pains, we had a great holiday. (If only we could go on hotel stay-cations every time the toddler is sick!) We took things easy, watched TV in our hotel room, prayed with Sophie when she complained of pain, went out whenever we liked, took Sophie on rides in the indoor theme park of First World Hotel in between diarrhoea episodes, and spent the days and hours giving our little girl lavish hugs and kisses. We even made a short trip to Bukit Tinggi (45 minutes away from GH) just so that Sophie could have fun at the animal park and check out the Colmar Tropical French-themed resort. The last time Ben and I were there (with my sister, Zoey), it was just the beginning of our courtship!

It was after this trip that Sophie began saying the words: "I love you."

We love you too, Sophie.

9th of September

There are 4 days to go before the 9th of September. But I thought I'd dedicate today's post to a beloved mother who didn't live long enough to see me beyond my high-school days.

Mama.

A child remembers the tiniest but fondest details....


Your faded, mummified yellow cardigan. Mummified in the sense that it smelled so much of you.

Your rose-tinted glasses (literally). It might please you to know that oversized eyeglasses frames are now back in vogue.

The creases in your palms. I don't think you thought of using hand-creams, because you'd keep washing it off anyway... and you wanted to save all that money to buy us books and toys.

The scent of your presence. Especially when you switch on our bedroom lights upon a surprise spot-check to see if we had defied your orders to sleep right after lights-out (instead of yakking away). I remember rehearsing (with Zoey) the emergency procedures that we would need to follow, had you entered our room suddenly. Basically, we were to stop whatever we were doing or saying... and turn into statues. With closed eyes. Of course, a certain person often couldn't help giggling in her sleep!

Your neat, slanted handwriting.

Bedtime. Your heart-to-heart talks with your children - they lasted for at least an hour.

Hearing your voice on the other end of a telephone call from school - even though you were a little vexed about having to bring me the book that I had forgotten to put into my school bag the night before.

The deepest dimples in the world. Sadly, they appeared less and less towards the end of your life on Earth. Your infectious laughter too.

You driving at 60km/h on a straight, quiet road - much to my annoyance. I don't think you would approve of my driving speed too. In fact, you would be horrified. I guess we're even now.

That one night - when I was a little girl and I couldn't stop crying in the middle of the night. I remember you taking me back to bed after all that drama was over; wiping me all over with a comforting, damp cloth; and dusting my back with talcum powder that smelled so good.

Dearest mama,

I celebrate the day you were born because even on that day 61 years ago, God already had all your days written in His book before anyone of them came to be - including the days you would spend loving us. Thank you for being my mama.

Loving you still,
me

Back from Hong Kong with a toddler

Sophie's birthday is only 6 days before our wedding anniversary.

This year, we decided to celebrate it all by going away on a family vacation like we did last year.

Hubs has been very busy with work in the past few months, and so, he left the planning part to me. It wasn't a bad idea actually, since he wouldn't be as familiar with Sophie's daily routines and needs as I am anyway. (I am also the control freak mama.)

So... yup. Right after I was done with my writing project in March, I planned us a vacation in Hong Kong. Having heard too much about how hectic Hong Kong can be for young travelers, I yet decided to take up the challenge of bringing Sophie with us - simply because I love a good challenge. I booked hotels for both Hong Kong and Macau, purchased entrance/Macau ferry tickets online to save money and skip long queues (very important with an impatient toddler in tow), planned and matched the itinerary to our toddler's routines as well as I could, made packing lists, packed, practised baby-wearing, revved up my fitness level, and read up about our destination. I was the organiser, quack tour guide, the baby-wearing mama, and the bossy wife. It was fun! Hubs took care of the manual labour, GPS, route-planning during the trip, and negotiations with the locals. We worked together pretty well as a team. It turned out to be such an enjoyable family trip, despite the tiny hiccups along the way (more about them some other day, maybe). Sophie had a wonderful birthday vacation... and the adults... well, we celebrated our wedding anniversary up at The Peak, overlooking these grand views:

May the God who made the rolling mountains and the sea... as well as inspired the architects of those spectacular buildings... be the centre of our marriage and family.

What I found especially helpful for vacationing in Hong Kong with my toddler are as follows:

- Prayer. Prayer. Prayer.
- Preparing her for the trip way beforehand, so that she was looking forward to riding the airplane, trains, buses, ferries, cable-cars, etc. I made sure that she knew that I was expecting her to behave in public places too.
- Training her to sit on proper chairs at eateries instead of high/baby chairs - because most eateries are either too crowded or narrow for high/baby chairs or simply do not have any. Period.
- Preparing our hearts, minds, and luggage for a 101 worst-case scenarios. Haha.
- Reading up on kid-friendly places.
- Novomin syrup (for kids) before our flights. It prevents travel sickness and results in drowsiness. Double score. Sophie slept well for an average of 2.5 hours on both flights. There were no other side-effects.
- A good baby-carrier. Although my hip joints felt poorly after a week of baby-wearing (S weighs around 13kg, I think), it saved us from lugging a stroller, even the lightest kind, around, our hands were free to manouevre our suitcases up and down the buses or steady ourselves when the trains were full and we needed to stand, and Sophie eventually enjoyed napping in it so that we didn't have to return to the hotel in the afternoons for her naps. It also kept us sane in crowded places; Sophie couldn't wander off on her own and get lost (or kidnapped).
-  A lot of milk powder (1 kg sealed) and a travel dispenser. Hubs and I wanted to eat more economically in Hong Kong (it's very expensive to eat out) and this meant staying away, mostly, from posh restaurants with more international/Western fare. Sophie wasn't too enthusiastic about street/hawker food, and so, we supplemented her meals with milk throughout the day. She's back to her grandma's home-cooked food now.
-  Daily pre- and pro-biotics... those which you can find in small, convenient satchets. They sure helped to keep her gut healthy and regulate her bowel movements.
- A hand-held fan and hat for the candle princess.
- Fruit in pouches, purchased from grocery stores. We had no place in our tiny hotel room in HK to cut and store fruit (the room was maybe the size of my dad's attached bathroom in his master bedroom back home; we did everything on the beds and stored our suitcases under the beds; thankfully the hotel room in Macau was much bigger). Fruit pouches were the answer to fibre and vitamins.

- Toddler-friendly eating utensils, which most restaurants do not provide.
- A lot of patience.

For those of you who are parents of toddlers and are thinking of going to Hong Kong (+/- Macau) for a family vacation; if you would like to have a look at my daily schedule and packing lists, please do email me personally, and I will get back to you.

Back from fast-paced Singapore...

...and ironically, a restful vacation.

To my Singaporean friends whom I did not get to meet this round, I am sorry. I had 5 days, and thinking about it, it's not really that short a trip after all. However, I needed much rest and craved time on my own. Therefore, I couldn't schedule in too many meet-ups... except with my prayer partners. 

But yeah, it was a great trip. Walked a lot, read a lot (especially while on the SMRT), had many heart-to-heart talks with my closest friends, ate loads (of dessert), bonded with nature, had a little fun with church work (thanks to my dear roommate who roped me in so determinedly and desperately), and reflected on God... and life.

Sophie didn't make a big fuss over my absence. She believed that I would come back - and I did. (Then again, she is a very secure, independent little girl. It was I who missed her so much - her smell, her cheekiness, and her incessant "Mimi"-s for mummy - that I could get quite homesick.) While I was away, we Skyped, WhatsApped, took pictures of life on our respective sides... and enjoyed the break. Sophie learned to Skype-call me - and she took delight in doing so at the oddest hours of the day, much to my amusement. Anyway, I returned home to a happy, excited toddler who had grown from strength to strength.

So glad to be back in Penang.

I hope to make another trip to Singapore this year - hopefully with Sophie this time. (Yes, I am taking on a Brobdingnagian challenge obviously.)

The final 10 days of Year 2015

Looking back, it has been a roller coaster of a year. Physically, emotionally, spiritually. I finish off the year nursing a flu which I think I caught from Sophie. Or perhaps, we caught the virus at the same time. It is certainly not your typical flu virus, otherwise our flu jabs would have covered it. It is Week 2 now, and our noses are still dripping like broken taps. Even after taking medicine. Woe.

Nevertheless, I thought I would list five things that made my year worth remembering. In no particular order of importance:

1. Friendship

Made a couple of new and good friends over the second half of the year, which is helping me greatly in my walk with Jesus, especially since I have dropped out of cell group (long story), disappeared from the seminary, and don't focus as well in church as I probably should. Yet. There is this particular couple with whom we (Ben and I) meet for dinner almost every week. While we don't discuss the Bible much during our weekly meet-ups simply because we have other agenda and too little time, it is wonderful to be so present in one another's Christian lives, ups and downs, excitements and mundanities. They are a blessing to our marriage. They even cook for us once in a while. And Sophie loves their daughter (read: dog). On the other hand, certain old friendships have graciously withstood the test of time and distance. I am deeply thankful for how these connect me to the parts of my past that made me so, so happy. Academics and music. When I am connected, I tend to weather hard times in the present with more joy, tenacity, and hope. And I have had many rough patches on a personal level this year too. Can't imagine how I would have fared without this handful of precious people who make it their business to keep in touch as much as I do.

2. Sophie

Of course, it goes without saying, that I am incredibly blessed by motherhood. But I was also struggling a lot this year with my fear of failure and low self-esteem. Spent way too much time grieving over the things that I couldn't change, my inadequacies when it came to meeting her needs, and the inconvenience motherhood poses with regard to my personal ambitions and space. (I have a long way to go towards being a selfless mom.) Particularly consoling was the heartfelt joy each time she reached a new milestone in becoming. Physically, emotionally, intellectually, socially, and spiritually. Of course, I didn't really take her milestones as indicators that I have been an awesome mom, but rather, God's awesomeness in meeting me where I was. And somehow making all things work together for good. Overall, 2015 was a much better year with regard to family life and weekends (no more weekend blues, unlike those in 2014). Ben, Sophie, and I go back to our first home, enjoy one another's company, and minimise the distractions that often keep us from doing so. We also made occasional trips back to KL, did a weekend staycation in May, and attended a wedding up in Cameron Highlands. I don't know if our weekends will always be this delightful, but I thank God that He has blessed us with many of such weekends this year to help especially the mummy of the family with her personal struggles. 

3. Proofreading a friend's PhD-dissertation-turned-into-a-book

This was really an honour for me - to be one of those who read the book before it was published as an academic book, as well as to be asked to help with it. I am such a small fry compared to the other people who journeyed with him in writing the dissertation. Well then, I didn't think that I would be such a nitpicker when it comes to grammar rules, missing words, spelling, and etc. to make no mention of spotting shortcomings so easily (I missed out one or two things, which my friend thankfully detected last minute). It was a lot of long sentences and footnotes to comb through. More than 200 pages of them. But I surpassed my own expectations - and even enjoyed doing it. A therapeutic experience that taught me lots and left open the possibility of me proofreading for extra pocket-money. And pocket money, I really do need.

4. Engaging in an entrepreneurial start-up 

First and foremost, I wouldn't have gotten involved if I hadn't been dragged (a little reluctantly) into it by my dear business partners. I serve mostly as the designer and publicity writer. It has got absolutely nothing to do with direct sales or multi level marketing... more to do with nation-building, education, and youth enrichment. Yups. It is so not me, but who knows, it might grow on me. Never try, never know. Might blog more about this in the coming year if it actually works out. Haha. (Sorry if that sounded a tad bit pessimistic.) Stay tuned. 

5. Writing (and Preaching)

Despite having taken an inevitable backseat in my involvement in church (weekend) activities and the music scene, these are what I have been up to most of my week day afternoons away from home as well as nightly after the toddler has gone to sleep : writing devotionals, crafting sermons, and thinking. Preached a couple of times too - at my own church and as a guest preacher/speaker in other churches. Little sister and dear friends came to watch me preaching once; that was very encouraging (albeit nerve-wrecking). Well then, I have yet much room to grow as a writer and speaker - and so, I pray that 2016 would bring me ample opportunities to grow.

Hope you had a good year past. Here is to an even better year ahead.

Weekend, a bout of toddler flu, and the countdown to Christmas

A truly delightful weekend, what with my sister and her boyfriend staying over in our home. I truly enjoyed their company. (They make such an entertaining couple somehow.) If only they had stayed a bit longer.

Sophie basked in the attention of Aunty Zoey and Uncle Sim of course. They were good for her. She was in a great mood. Ate and behaved pretty well whenever we went out for meals and such. Made no fuss when the adults continued to chill and chat long after our meals were over.

No weekend is complete without a special family outdoor activity that doesn't resemble week day activities - so we brought our guests to explore a new beach (at least to us) in the vicinity of our home. Not bad a beach - scenery and crowd - and its sand is really something. You will like the sand if you are in dire need of an intense foot scrub. Or a back scratch. Etc.  

Nice.

Sophie wanted to swim in the sea like "Peter and Jane". This was before she swallowed loads of salt water and got knocked over by a huge wave. 

Uncle Sim

Back to the other side of the island for the working week, Sophie was plagued by a viral flu. Sneezes, a running nose, nocturnal congestion, disrupted sleep, postnasal drip, coughing  - the works. This time, I wasn't too keen on drugless, natural remedies just because they take much longer to work, Sophie was in a lot of distress (she threw up a few times no thanks to the irritating phlegm and we had loads of laundry to do), and I am a little too tired and worn out. Haha. We brought her to a paediatrician who then prescribed us some medicine for her symptoms. At least they helped her (and us) to sleep well through the night - and she is a lot better today. Sleep is mother of all cures, I think. My take is this : do anything (within the lowest risk means) so that your toddler might shut down and sleep uninterruptedly. The body repairs and detoxifies while you aren't awake. And bouncing off walls.

Christmas arrives in less than 10 days time. Slightly more than a week in fact.

I think I must have mentioned before that I never did like the Christmas all that much. I always thought that it felt kind of depressing when you think Christmas songs in the mall, winter themed decorations when winter is so far away from the part of the globe I live in (sob), the guilty pressure to buy (and wrap) gifts when one is so broke at the end of the month and year (sorry if that sounds Scroogey), social gatherings, secret Santas, and year end. Or perhaps it has got nothing to do with any particular one of the mentioned elements per se - but simply the realisation that the year is coming to an end. And my perfectionistic regrets take centre stage. I regret that I have not achieved all that I wanted to achieve. I regret that the year did not turn out the way I wanted it to. (It never does, does it?) Believe it or not - I feel lonely. Loneliness lurks in the mind of the wanting person I am. And despite the so-called commercialisation of Christmas that emphasizes giving as well as receiving gifts - I know deep down inside that some much yearned for gifts might never be found under the Christmas tree.

What, I felt, helped me appreciate Christmas more this year was observing Advent as a mother.

First, observing Advent - meditating not just on "how" Jesus came to Earth (i.e. a virgin's baby in the manger) but also "why" He came - instead of just nose-diving into the year-end rush - makes December the 25th more purposeful and necessary. December the 25th was originally not Christian anyway. When the early Roman Church wanted to establish a day to commemorate Christ's birth, it timed it strategically to coincide with an existing pagan festival which celebrated the birthday of the sun god. This day was the winter solstice - the day with the least day light in the northern hemisphere - and so, we dream of a White Christmas. The original Roman reason for the season? Evangelising to the non-Christian masses. Converts wouldn't need to go without the jolly celebrations December the 25th used to imply : giving gifts, ceasing hostilities, suspending civic functions, and parties. They..... just had to focus on a different celebrity. Jesus Christ instead of the sun god! Now with Advent (which begins the 4th Sunday before Christmas) in place, Christmas Day - or December the 25th - becomes the conclusion of a season of slowing down. Slowing down to trace history, to be thankful of our own journeys of allowing Christ into our hearts, and to imagine what life could be when He returns for good. A season of Christian hope. I think then, rather than merely trying to put Christ in Christmas (which I honestly find quite hard to do most of the time), Advent helped me to acknowledge that Christ was never at Christmas in the first place... and it is OK not to feel particularly merry on December the 25th. However, December the 25th is the closure to the very first season of the Christian liturgical year. And so, I'll try to make the day count... before we move into "Ordinary Time". Advent is a season I would continue to observe for many years to come. As an individual as well as a family. Works in progress.

Secondly, seeing my toddler's wide-eyed wonder whenever we step into the mall (where Christmas decos and songs abound) makes me see the pagan festival in a different light. I don't mean that I'd like to celebrate Christmas the way the earliest people did. I mean, rather, that nearly the whole world observes Christmas day - and the love, fun, and warmth it brings. And so, why not make nice, magical childhood memories for my toddler out of innocent gingerbread houses, cinnamon cookies, balls, bells, stars on trees, stuffed snowmen, thoughtful presents, nolstalgic musical pieces, pretty sights, family time, giving to the poor, and Christmas cartoons? Yes, we must remember Christ's birth (and that's what Advent is for anyway) - but I guess we can't just Christianise Christmas and criticise those who intend to join the non-Christians in their good natured merry-making.

Perhaps Jesus who dined with the sinners and tax collectors would say "How do you do" to Santa Claus in the mall, tap his feet to "Jingle Bells", and pause to admire the works of art Christmas trees are nowadays. Just saying.

I don't mind if you don't agree with me on this. :)

Happy birthday, mama!

You and your mama >20 years back

If you were still alive, you would have turned 60 years old today - like Popo in the picture.

I would have returned home to hug and kiss you.

Ben would have cracked his head trying to think of where we could go to get you your sashimi fix.

Sophie would have helped her Popo to blow out her birthday candles.

But alas, you aren't here with us anymore.

Anyway...

Today, on your birthday, I would like to celebrate the five ways you've put your stamp on your then-future, and thus, our present.

1. Your mothering methods (most of them), homeschooling approaches, and well-rounded nurturing of our gifts still inspire me.

2. You've raised me into a person who is passionate about learning, reading, and pursuing deeper understanding about things - particularly that of the human body, mind, and soul. You always said that I could learn whatever I set my heart to learn. You too were an avid reader and versatile learner.

3. I function best when I write down my schedules, vision, mission, goals, strategies, and plans - something you taught me to do back in high-school. "Write it down," you would say. "Seeing it on paper makes all the difference to your motivation. Without a vision, you perish." (Ok, maybe you didn't use the word 'perish', but I quote the Bible.) 

4. "Strong foundations matter." That was your modus operandi in life. It is now mine. "Whatever you build on top... if your foundations are shaky, it will all come tumbling down at some point, no matter how grand it looks. Math, science, English, music, etc, etc."

5. Kindness. You were always kind to others. Neighbours, relatives, our friends, school teachers, etc. You smiled at children, fed our playmates well, and blessed our teachers. As for those whom you didn't like, you still tried to be kind - by avoiding them as much as possible. Haha. I watched you, was inspired, and I would like to model kindness to Sophie too (although I am not very good at it).

6. Music. You invested in the best teachers that you could find, sat in my individual lessons, learned music yourself so that you could coach me at home, encouraged my active participation in the musical community, brought me for concerts and music festivals, instilled in me an appreciation for classical music, and was never bored of hearing me play. Of course, you were strict when it came to practising. I remember the rotan tapping on my music score in time to the beats. (How could I forget something so traumatising?) But you meant well - and I am glad that you made sure I had the strongest foundations in the art. :)

Thank you, mama. 

Still loving (and missing) you while you are gone.  

Yours truly,

Huey