Musician bytes

Whenever I am discouraged, God always slips in that vital bit of encouragement. Through whoever. In the most mysterious yet relevant way.

And I am often discouraged, I must say, when it comes to my musicality. 

I suppose, all musicians and performers struggle with this. There is always this fear that you are not enough. To bring delight, blessing, entertainment and rest to an audience through art is a good calling. But one of the biggest occupational hazards (other than problems with the bodyparts most needed for your art - e.g. fingers, elbows and back for the pianist) is low self-esteem. When I dip into my lowest, I tend to compare myself with other musicians and feel mediocre. Every bit of advice, tip, correction or constructive criticism from others (especially my coaches, leaders, mentors, etc.) are received in a destructive manner. Self-condemnation abounds. And I end up abandoning my art. Just like that.

The other day, I happened to dig out an old home-recording of one of the songs I wrote 2 years back. I was amazed at how blessed I was listening to it. I marvelled, "Wow, how did all these profound stuff get expressed so simply?" ~ and I knew that the song was nothing short of God's inspiration. I imagined... so this was how people felt listening to that composition, imperfect as I had made it, haha. I was then confronted with a question: "Why did you doubt, you of little faith? Why did you stop writing songs?"

Wait, make that two questions. My answer? 

I guess I stopped trusting in God because I doubted that He had delighted in helping me...and I began doing things in my own strength. Since it didn't work out too well, I was discouraged and gave up writing. Not exactly RIP song-writing, but still.

Following that 'revelation', a missionary contacted me to ask if I could join his team in a song-writing/music project... to which I jumped because it was a dream come true. Praise God! Subsequently, a friend encouraged me (out of the blue) about a song performance I did at somebody's wedding last year. It meant a lot coming from him, because he is really critical and yim zhim when it comes to music. Thank you, to whoever you are. 

God, You have indeed turned my mourning into dancing. 

While you were away (Day #3)

I worked hard but played hard too.

I'm typing this with tired eyes, tired ears, tired face, tired mouth, tired brain... but also with a very happy heart and doggy slobbers on my calves (courtesy of Presto and Tutti ~ my vocal teacher's pair of inquisitive and loving dogs). 

Basically my day went like this: 

Seminary (for my Sacrament and Liturgy class) --> Home (to work on my paper) --> Voice training --> Home (to work on my paper) --> Tesco's (for dinner) --> Straits Quay (to watch a concert at PAC) --> Home (to work on my paper and look into the piano parts for the performance rehearsal tomorrow)

Today, voice teacher assessed my performance so far ~ it was very encouraging. I thank God for the grace to progress and improve under a wonderful teacher. May He keep empowering me to serve Him better.

Classes with the triplets were cancelled (they couldn't make it) ~ so I had more time to do my assignment! Voila.

The concert, organized by the Japan Foundation, was superb. I went with Alice and Tansy. The ladies were very entertaining (and I guess they were secretly pleased to make me laugh). I really enjoyed my time with them, even though it was too short.

 Waiting for Alice and Tansy at the main entrance of the Performing Arts Centre at Straits Quay.

The performers were these three, very cool, skilled Japanese musicians - Junichi Takagi on the guitar; Yukihiro Isso who played many different traditional Japanese flutes - including the Nohkan, Shinobue, Dengakubue and some recorders; and Hiroshi Yoshino on the Contrabass. They are active professionally in the classical and contemporary music scene in Japan of course - specialists in multiple instruments. The profound performances incorporated the essence of ethnic, classical and jazz music into a fusion which I found divinely fascinating. I must say that it was an extremely delightful way to be enriched.
 

Anyway... let me end here with a line from one of those oldies I heard on the radio this evening:

"Woe-uu Woe-uu Yay-ee Yay-eee...."

Anti-climax, I know. 

EDs and voice training

Like I mentioned in some previous posts, I have a history of eating disorders (EDs). (You can click on "Eating Disorders" under the EASY LINKS section on the right side of my blog-page to read more of my "writes" on it.)

For those who only recently began following my blog... my EDs in a sort of nutshell: I had them for over a decade ~ anorexia nervosa, bulimia, compulsive eating and the likes. You could always ask me personally and I will be glad to elaborate (don't want to go into details here). Today, I still struggle a bit from time to time with self/body-acceptance ~ but I don't live the lifestyle or possess the mindset of an eating disordered person; and therefore I don't qualify as an eating disordered person anymore. 

I owe every part of my journey to recovery to Jesus Christ. 

It was only by looking at my illness in the light of my salvation in Him that I was able to truly hope, persevere and choose life over death. It was through His power, grace and the unconditional love He had shown me through my church friends that I was able to transform and heal... and the healing process continues, even today. For this season in time, against the backdrop of voice training...

Regarding voice training... 

Recently, I realized that it has become much easier to love and accept my body since I took up voice training. I don't see it as singing lessons - because it does so much more for me than merely helping me to sing better. Our voices are a total of who we are beyond skin-deep. Our voices reflect the well-being of our bodily functions, the regular meditations of our hearts and minds, as well as our spiritual landscape. Voice training ultimately leads one (while he/she engages in the process of setting his/her voice free) to appreciate the human anatomy; deal with the skeletons in one's closet; and most importantly, draw near to God (who has given us the breathing mechanisms into which we tap when singing). These aspects are valuable for  recovery from eating disorders - especially for those who have warped body images. 

Furthermore, since I'm a med school graduate, my voice teacher loves talking physiology at lengths with me - and so, we've explored some physiological mechanics of the musculoskeletal and nervous systems of the body in the light of singing. Via practical experiments and experiential awareness. (How did I get myself into such a nerdy situation? 8-P) I now love my body much more (despite the imperfections and fat) because I've reconciled with it more than ever - thanks to voice training. We are good friends now.