Musician bytes

Whenever I am discouraged, God always slips in that vital bit of encouragement. Through whoever. In the most mysterious yet relevant way.

And I am often discouraged, I must say, when it comes to my musicality. 

I suppose, all musicians and performers struggle with this. There is always this fear that you are not enough. To bring delight, blessing, entertainment and rest to an audience through art is a good calling. But one of the biggest occupational hazards (other than problems with the bodyparts most needed for your art - e.g. fingers, elbows and back for the pianist) is low self-esteem. When I dip into my lowest, I tend to compare myself with other musicians and feel mediocre. Every bit of advice, tip, correction or constructive criticism from others (especially my coaches, leaders, mentors, etc.) are received in a destructive manner. Self-condemnation abounds. And I end up abandoning my art. Just like that.

The other day, I happened to dig out an old home-recording of one of the songs I wrote 2 years back. I was amazed at how blessed I was listening to it. I marvelled, "Wow, how did all these profound stuff get expressed so simply?" ~ and I knew that the song was nothing short of God's inspiration. I imagined... so this was how people felt listening to that composition, imperfect as I had made it, haha. I was then confronted with a question: "Why did you doubt, you of little faith? Why did you stop writing songs?"

Wait, make that two questions. My answer? 

I guess I stopped trusting in God because I doubted that He had delighted in helping me...and I began doing things in my own strength. Since it didn't work out too well, I was discouraged and gave up writing. Not exactly RIP song-writing, but still.

Following that 'revelation', a missionary contacted me to ask if I could join his team in a song-writing/music project... to which I jumped because it was a dream come true. Praise God! Subsequently, a friend encouraged me (out of the blue) about a song performance I did at somebody's wedding last year. It meant a lot coming from him, because he is really critical and yim zhim when it comes to music. Thank you, to whoever you are. 

God, You have indeed turned my mourning into dancing.