A nightmare

When I was around Sophie's age, I dreamed of my mom lying in a hospital, sick and dying. I woke up heartbroken and frightened. Perhaps that was when death became a reality to me. Those whom we love will have to leave us someday. Sometimes, they leave thinking that we'll be better off without them.

Yesterday night, it seems that Sophie had a dream of a similar nature. She woke up crying for her mummy and was so distraught that she even peed on me when I picked her up. (I changed into dry clothes and continued trying to pacify her.) When we asked her what happened - did she have a bad dream or something - she said that mummy was going away... and mentioned something about dying. My heart ached strangely as I hugged my sobbing baby close. Suddenly, the memories came flooding back - of myself, earlier last year, praying that God would take me Home because I couldn't bear my burdens any longer (and nobody would miss me anyway, least of all Sophie - so I felt). Remembering, I was filled with remorse and repented before God.

Dearest Sophie, mummy is sorry. I am sorry for the times I let you go, thinking that you'd be much happier without me. For the times I left, thinking that you needed the space. For being susceptible to the Enemy's work of sowing inferiority in me. For doubting God's appointment of me to be your mummy. I don't know how long more I will have before we have to part ways; neither do I know how I will have to leave. But I promise to work hard to be the best mother I can be meanwhile - to meet all challenges head on, to love you unselfishly, to take good care of myself, to bring you up in the ways of the Lord, etc. Please forgive me.

Love,
Mummy

Inspired

My dad is a double doctorate holder now.

He had his DBA from years ago, and this year, he was conferred a PhD by research.

I, his daughter, am so very proud of him, and am inspired (again) to do my PhD, something that I gave up on since I had a baby last year. While I have never been all that keen to be called a Dr. Somebody even though I am technically one, somehow, God has not stopped sending people to speak to me about continuing in the academia and furthering my studies in my field of choice ever since. In the most spine-chilling, jaw-dropping, awe-striking ways.

My dad's recent achievement was the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back - in a good sense.

Doing my PhD doesn't make me any less of a mother, right? Motherhood is my calling, and perhaps, education is also my mission field.

I'm definitely going to pray about this.

A really strange dream

It was a strange event.

Men and women were queued up before the gates of Heaven in order to receive their report cards. On each report card were the grades that determined whether one would enter Heaven... or not. Grades were based on how "good" one had been while he or she was still on earth.

I was not aware of the report cards of others... but all I knew was this: my grades disqualified me. Badly, period. My heart sank, hollow and empty as it felt. What was the meaning of life then? Would I ever meet my Maker? Where would I go from here? Death - the terrifying unknown, lonely and dreaded - when would it come?

How relieved and glad I was to awaken from my dream... and remember that I had the hope of salvation - because I believe in a risen Saviour and Lord - Jesus Christ - He who has paid the penalty for my sins on the cross. "Heaven" might not be what I can imagine at the moment - it might be beyond my wildest dreams - but I know that Heaven is where Jesus Christ is. Where sorrows cease, reconciliation is celebrated, reunions with those who have died in Christ are a blessed reality, life is lived to the fullest and God's presence satisfies forever.

And these suffice.

It might take me my whole life (on earth) to comprehend fully Paul's proclamation in 1 Corinthians 15:55 - "Where, O death, is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting?" - but I know I will.

Of dreams

I have been having many weird dreams lately. A common theme that these dreams share is: getting frustratingly lost in a big, foreign/familiar place.

In last night's dream, it was so frustrating that I even whipped out a GPS (which I hardly use in real life, haha) - and still, I couldn't get to my destination without having to ask someone for help!

God, are You speaking to me?

Muse: Fragile Dreams

Read almost the entire story of Joseph (in Book of Genesis) in one seating today.

I was captivated afresh by the tale of a man whose life painted a portrait of God's sovereignty. Joseph's life often spoke to me on waiting faithfully when time seems to draw to a painful standstill - and it still does in many ways. However, our focus shouldn't be merely Joseph, but ultimately... God. We see how determined Joseph's acknowledgement was toward the end: "It was God who sent me..." (Gen 45:5,7,8) and as for his well-known speech to his fearful brothers in Genesis 50, he stressed that God's purposes could never be thwarted (Gen 50:20). God who called Joseph as a dreamy boy had orchestrated the events of his youth and later, of adulthood - that his brothers' pit of revenge, Potiphar, prison and Pharaoh were paved into footsteps which led Joseph well into the centre of God's purpose... and thus, his destiny. Joseph walked with God - and he was certainly faithful. But more importantly, God walked with Joseph, and He was sovereign. No, not only sovereign but also good and gracious. Wherever Joseph ended up or whatever he put his hand to do, God blessed Him - and such blessings overflowed to even his captors, Egyptian authorities, Egypt and last but not least, Joseph's very own brothers who had wronged him. There was also forgiveness for the brothers on Joseph's part - but it was ultimately God's forgiveness for those who had unknowingly opposed His plans, as it was for the Apostle Paul in the New Testament. I love the fact they were comforted in the end (Gen 50:21) - not merely by Joseph's kindness but God's, because God was behind it all.

Indeed, God makes all things work together for good, for those who are called according to His purpose (Rom 8:28).

We dream fragile dreams. Dreams that are easily threatened, shattered or put to death.

But I desire to dream God's dreams for the Kingdom... because, regardless of how fragile they may be, God will yet bring such dreams to pass. I would dearly love to taste the sweetness of a fragile dream come true. And as much as I wish that my self-centred dreams would materialise (haha), I know that a good dream is all about God. A good dream anticipates God's glory.

So let me dream good dreams, God.

Here's Hisaishi's poignant piece - Fragile Dream - for your listening pleasure.

A calling, a community and a country

As I ponder on post-graduation plans, I can't help but remember fondly... the people who first affirmed God's calling upon my life to a pastoral vocation, during my early twenties.

I was a student then. In my 2nd year at the university (I was 20 - and gosh, has it been nearly a decade already?), I came to know that I wasn't going down the path that everyone else in my class was going. (That's a story for another day.) I was both excited and confused. Thought to myself, since I'm not going to be a doctor, why continue studying medicine? It wasn't as if my family was rich. In fact, we were struggling badly to make ends meet. I was both sorry for my dad who was working so hard to support my studies and so tired of not knowing when I would receive my pocket-money. Life in Dublin was terribly costly... especially in winter. Somehow.

I was ready to give up on med school and go home. Go to the seminary. Be equipped and then go, serve. It didn't feel exactly right either... but then again, I was young and rash.

Thankfully, the leaders at EN (my church in Dublin) were wise, discerning and encouraged me to wait on God longer. "There's no rush. You might need to pray and wait a while. If it's about the finances, we will pray for God to provide for your med studies..." And because I had learned to trust them (they were very prayerful leaders indeed), I listened and continued to study medicine. God was gracious to provide for our family - and for my studies. Because of His great faithfulness during that trying season, I could trust Him to provide when I later entered the seminary with no fixed source of monthly allowance (I wasn't married yet). The people at EN continued to pray along with me, discipling me, helping me with my eating disorders, affirming my gifts and the calling (apparently - as I found out later - they had been expecting somehow that God would call me eventually) and giving me the opportunities to serve (and be moulded through the difficulties I faced). I learned much, grew in my walk with God and grew even more passionate than before. It turned out to be one of the best seasons in my life.

In 2006, EN sent me back to Penang with prayer and blessings. I'm thankful that I am still able to keep in touch with some of the people who have played such major roles in shaping me. Some of us stay the best of friends, for life.

Sometimes, I find myself wishing that I could go back there to give back what I've been equipped to give, after all these years. I remember the Irish, my great burden for them (as well as for Europe), the prayer-walks I've joined and the tears I've cried for Ireland - and wonder what all of that was for. I think about Dublin often - the homeless people on the streets, the drunken pub-goers fighting and loitering in the back alleys, the orphans, the heartbroken divorcees, the lonely faces in the parks, the poor musicians trying to make a living on the sidewalks and the pew-warmers who live a Godless life during the week - and I am broken. I still think of EN (as well as the other churches we worked with), rejoice with them and wonder about their needs. Needless to say, I am homesick indeed. I am especially homesick now - as I blog about EN.

These are what have been on my mind for the past few days.

Weekend over

...and it's time to work my socks off again. *Puts on my most determined and enthusiastic face*

Sunday. My dream the previous night was interesting. I dreamed a dream ~ and then I replayed the memory of that dream like a video (whilst still asleep) and so, there were two identical dreams in one sleep. Why did I decide to replay? Well, I was surprised by something in the dream... a twist of some sort... and so, I wanted to see the clues I missed out when I first dreamed it. This was certainly no pizza dream. Roti Bom dream maybe - after last night's mamak session with the cell group people.

I didn't hear Bach's Brandenburg Concerto no. 1 playing the cue for me to wake up... and so I woke up late. Because the hubby overslept too, we had to fly to church. However, we were blessed that we had gone.

Choir practices at Fettes Park went on for 3 solid hours today (usually it's 2 hours). One hour of rehearsing for a charity concert (during which I will be a 2nd soprano) and another two hours of rehearsing for the Festival of Sacred Music (1st alto). By the end of the third hour, I was so tired of sitting towards the edge of my chair with back straight and feet flat on the floor that I must have looked very bored (and rebellious) in the front row. And then I began croaking.

Had dinner at Gurney Plaza with the hubby - and we watched a recording of "Life As We Know It" back home. I think it was an educational film. But if you ask me if it made me especially clucky, um... not really. Don't get me wrong. I do want kids of our own - and Ben would love them. But at the moment, I've got unresolved anxieties about motherhood and pregnancy. I'm also waiting for God's direction with regard to what I am to do post-graduation. It's a lot of anguish, uncertainty and unsettledness. Restlessness even. People tell me to "Have faith" and stuff. "You are not getting any younger. Have a baby before you are 30." (which doesn't leave me that much time, huh. I will be gloriously 30 in January.) Good advice. I concur mostly. But honestly? I really want to run away whenever I hear things like that. Well, it's God's call. If He gives us a child now, I'd gladly receive him/her as a blessing - and I believe that He would help me to straighten out my issues too. Otherwise, I don't really want to think of "making a baby" - as some sort of urgent "mission"- at the moment. I just want to work on being healthy, work on my marriage (!!!), work on my studies, write and live. The baby will come whenever or if God permits. He is sovereign - and I am thankful for that. 

Ehem... to those who pray for us... thank you. Keep praying. We never know when God decides to surprise us.

Anyway...

Have a fantabulous week, folks.

Strange Dream

I had one last night. It was quite dramatic and tragic.

(I actually like it when I have dramatic dreams which I can remember ~ coz they make me think and reflect deeply on life.)

I was back in school. Or it could have been college. A guy (whom I've never met in real life) developed feelings for me - and soon, he began following me wherever I went, albeit from a distance. He thought I didn't know - but duh, of course I did, being the sensitive girl I am. He did things for me in secret - and I guess, he cared not if I knew he was the do-er. Sometimes I knew it was him. Sometimes I didn't. Sometimes I guessed it was him. Well, well...

I grew to enjoy his protective presence. He was a nice guy, definitely. Neat. Clean-shaved. Smart. Concerned, but maybe because I was often klutzy and slow. On some occasions, we saw one another in the school corridors - and he would smile. I would pretend that I didn't see him because I was proud. I was embarrassed to show him that I cared and wanted to be his friend. I always thought, "Maybe tomorrow...If I bumped into him tomorrow, I would say hi."

While following me around one day (again from the distance), he suddenly disappeared. I sensed something amiss and ran in the direction of where he had been. I was just in time to glimpse the rear of a white car speeding away with him all tied up and gagged in the back seat... and his captors/kidnappers pinning him down while he struggled to escape. He saw me. The desperate look on his face was the last I saw of him. 

I ran up to the teacher's room to use the telephone. Dialed the police's number - but the line was down. My hand was shaking. The teacher, whose phone I was using, wasn't helping.

At the peak of my desperation... I woke up. With a slight headache too.

I still feel a little bad that I couldn't help him. Perhaps, what bugs me the most is that I never bothered to express my gratitude to him - when I knew that he was behind all that sweet magic that put warmth into my heart, made me blush and helped me to smile when I was depressed. I wish that I had told him how much I appreciated him... and liked him, even. At least once. And perhaps, I would never see him again.

I know. Just a dream ~ but it taught me good lessons on gratitude, thankfulness, and not taking people for granted.

That particular land....

There is this particular land that I often retreat to when I am dreaming at night. Like literally. Do you?

I happen to revisit it so often that I am getting quite familiar with the place. Yes. Happen to. I've never had to purposely try.

Is that normal? You tell me.

It is not a perfect place - so I don't think it's Heaven. It certainly doesn't look like anywhere I've been to in Malaysia. I remember (from my most vivid dreams of this place) some buildings being renovated (with the scaffolding, cement-dust, planks over mud and all), a glamorous dance studio that I have always wanted to join, some of the nicely tarred streets and huge mega-malls which can look creepy when darkness falls and when they are deserted for the night. It's often windy, grey, damp and chilly - the grounds never feel warm to my bare feet. Sometimes, a ghost haunts the building I am in or chases me across the town - and I end up praying/quoting Scripture in my sleep. (God always intervenes and deals with the spookies whenever I call out to Him!) Familiar people/ my loved ones may turn up in this place randomly - most commonly my late-mother, my younger sister and in the recent years, my husband. I don't remember making any new friends there. Perhaps I did - but I can never remember. Faces are often blurry and out of focus somehow. I am after-all short-sighted. Perhaps... just perhaps... if I wore my glasses to sleep, I would be able to see better in my dreams. Haha!

...Not....

Dreamland. My dreamland. Not really a land I would dream of settling in. I've always wondered if such a place really exists. I wish it were more cheerful. It isn't too bad a place, but it isn't very nice either. Somehow, it feels like the township was built over the grave ruins from World War II (there is pain behind the face-lift) - so I have my "heavy-hearted" feelings about the place, like when I was in certain parts of Poland. Sad things that make me cry (in my sleep) often happen. My mom is usually either very ill or trying to hide her identity.  However, there is so much relief in seeing her alive in my dreams. I think I still miss her very much - even though she has been gone for more than a decade now.

There is nothing extra-ordinary about this dreamland - except that my feet often feel much lighter. (I can leap into the air and take 2 seconds to descend, maybe...) Also, whenever I dance, everyone stops to watch in amazement. There is always so much freedom in dancing that when I dance, I feel like I'm on the top of the world!

Weird huh?

Running on the horizon

A few days ago, I felt God speak to me about something. I wasn't 100% sure at first.

But anyway, I did tell my husband about it at that time. We were driving from KL back to Penang after the weekend away.

In life, we are often so intent on reaching the horizon, but we never arrive. As you swim or row your boat further away from the shoreline, the horizon never gets any closer ~ because the fact is that you would be setting your eyes on newer horizons ahead. I was pondering about this... when I felt a breath-taking (almost literally) impression on my heart: "But if you keep your eyes on Me (God), you will eventually arrive at the horizon(s) you were meant for... Just continue moving towards Me, Grace..."

Such a strange impression it was. I was deeply impressed - and my heart beat fast reflecting on it. I was even planning to write a song about this... and I think I now will.

A day or two later (yesterday), a friend of mine (Seong Won) posted the following picture on his Facebook wall. You can interpret it in many ways, I suppose... However, the only interpretation that immediately came to me was this:

...A man running on the horizon with his eyes on the light. Furthermore, he was running from one horizon to another...

I was pleasantly shocked, because something in that picture resonated with the impression upon my heart which I had received that night. Again that "inner voice" spoke, "But if you keep your eyes on Me, you will eventually arrive at the horizon you were meant for... Not only that... but you will be running on the horizon."

Not only walking on water but running, You say? Impressive.

Last night, I lay in bed, thinking of God. That same "inner voice" was speaking:

"Grace, you have been swimming toward many horizons, right?"
Um-hm.
"Aren't you tired?"
Yes, often. Never-ending is this swim, Lord.
"Well...if you just keep your eyes on Me, I will bring you there. My time. My way."

I was going to ask Him WHAT the horizon(s) was or were - but I realized that I didn't have to know right there and then... so I placed my hand over my heart... felt it beat... and thanked God that I am alive ~ in Christ.

It was a beautiful moment. It did remind me of that moment in time, when my dad proudly walked me down the aisle as a veiled bride. Perhaps it was the Father's love I felt.

Today, I was again relating this to Ben... when I felt that "inner voice" speak one final time regarding this matter: "Grace, don't you realize... where you are right now is a horizon which you used to set your eyes upon? I've brought you this far. You are moving from one horizon to another... just keep your eyes on Me. That is all that matters."

My Father. My Heavenly Father ~ thank You for speaking to me this whole term. It has been absolutely beautiful, learning what it means to stand in Your grace as the uncondemned, loved and known.

Abba, may this heart in my chest beat passionately for You. I want to love You more and fix my eyes upon You more faithfully.

Your child,
Grace-melody

Sunday

What began with a nightmare ended with lots of laughter over Ji's and Hwa's dining table and a celebratory choc-chip cupcake (courtesy of Kimmy).

Nightmare ~ Ji claims that it was because of my stress (over the talk I was to give today) that the nightmare was shaped. Rather, I think that it was a result of all the pizza I ate the previous night at the gathering! Whatever the cause, I woke up this morning with deep anguish of the soul and profuse perspiration. Attending the service at TOC (Tabernacle of Christ) afforded me much comfort. Nothing beats encountering God first thing in the morning, after a semi-sad, semi-shocking dream in the night. While Ji did not come to church with me (because she had to be on-call today), I was glad of Ewan and Laura's company - otherwise I would have felt very alone. I hardly know anyone at TOC!

The sharing with the TOC youth on eating disorders went OK. Nothing much to be said about it, except that I was extremely nervous before and after I gave the talk, haha. The agitation of nerves had already begun 2 days prior; and so, can you imagine my immense, immense RELIEF now that everything is over? :P My greatest desire is that God would use my sharing in His own way (despite its many inadequacies) to touch or even heal at least one heart. Or to empower someone to minister to his/her friend who is suffering from EDs. Or whatever. God, may Your will be done. It must have been a divine appointment for me to share this weekend - random as it may have seemed to the youths and myself. God, I trust You.

Spent a good few hours just pondering on Pst. Francis' sermon, talking to God and reflecting on life in the evening (over cafe latte at Gloria Jeans). Apparently, through the two sermons preached on two different nights this weekend by two different pastors of two different churches (on two different topics too), God seemed to have spoken to me these same words: "Your life is not found in ministry, but in the relationship you have with the Father." It was really a confirmation of/complement to what God had spoken to me in the past week - my life should be in God and my world should be God.

Yups, I am certainly not done reflecting on the significance of those words yet, as well as the ultimate reason I am in Singapore this week. So God, please show me.

I was telling Ben how much this trip to Singapore has helped me. But I am really missing my husband now...so I look forward to going back to Penang the coming Tuesday - although I'd be sad bidding my friends farewell.

After a sleepless night

Couldn't sleep well the last night. Kept having weird, mind-cranking dreams - dreams in which I had to do a lot of thinking - like figuring out how to come up with theological statements, LOL. When I woke up, I wouldn't be able to go back to sleep for a while. But I did remember to pray for somebody when that happened.

Today, I am all disorientated. But I know three things that I'd have to do:

1. Prepare to worship lead on the April Fool weekend. Gotta start now, coz I'll be away in Singapore from this Wednesday onwards to the next week Tuesday. I don't think I can do much when I'm away - especially away from my trusty piano, on which I depend a lot when it comes to preparing musical arrangements.

2. Prepare for an interview on Wednesday morning - regarding a work that I might do as part of my M.Div internship. I already have another ministry/work that I'd be doing. This one is just a look-see, as far as I know.

3. Prepare for this Sunday's youth talk. Finalize the script and prepare heart.

May God shield us from all distractions of the Enemy while I do His work. Also, that He may do a phenomenal work through me, even though I have been feeling really down these few days. Like down, depressed and unsettled.

A little unwell

I hope to finish reading Roger Olsen's "History of Christian Theology" today.

I am so tired. Not that I did a lot of work. However, today I seem to be extra tired. My head feels as heavy as lead. Perhaps, I'm coming down with a little something. Furthermore, I had a dream last night about the end of times. The scary part was that everyone was just doing everything that they normally did - unaware, ignorant, in spiritual complacency and still zealous in gaining the world. Little did they bother with the little "signs" here and there; with the presence of false teachers in their midst; and to return to God.

The Barren Fig Tree (Mark 11:12-14)

Source

Some light was shed on fig trees (which I knew absolutely nothing about) by an article by F.F Bruce in “Hard sayings of the Bible”:

“Was it not unreasonable to curse the tree for being fruitless when, as Mark expressly says, “it was not the season for figs”? The problem is most satisfactorily cleared up in a discussion called “The Barren Fig Tree” published many years ago by W. M. Christie, a Church of Scotland minister in Palestine under the British mandatory regime. He pointed out first the time of year at which the incident is said to have occurred (if, as is probable, Jesus was crucified on April 6th, A.D. 30, the incident occurred during the first days of April). “Now,” wrote Christie, “the facts connected with the fig tree are these. Toward the end of March the leaves begin to appear, and in about a week the foliage coating is complete. Coincident with [this], and sometimes even before, there appears quite a crop of small knobs, not the real figs, but a kind of early forerunner. They grow to the size of green almonds, in which condition they are eaten by peasants and others when hungry. When they come to their own indefinite maturity they drop off." These precursors of the true fig are called taqsh in Palestinian Arabic. Their appearance is a harbinger of the fully formed appearance of the true fig some six weeks later. So, as Mark says, the time for figs had not yet come. But if the leaves appear without any taqsh, that is a sign that there will be no figs. Since Jesus found “nothing but leaves” - leaves without any taqsh- he knew that “it was an absolutely hopeless, fruitless fig tree” and said as much.”

Above: taqsh (picture source)

When I read the above, I suddenly remembered the troubling, recurrent dream that has been bothering me on and off for the past 3 years – until I related it to my husband some weeks back. Somehow, an interpretation of that dream came very naturally to him; I had the peace that God was speaking to the both of us. 

In that dream, I would be pregnant – expecting a baby. The circumstances surrounding the dream always led me to understand that I had been admitted to the labor ward and would be in labor soon. However, laying my hand on my half-swollen belly, I would be never fail to be disturbed, anxious and in disbelief – because the baby never felt like he/she was fully grown and if birthed, could potentially be a severely under-developed baby. I always woke up before “labor” in the dream could begin - feeling to some extent, unsettled.

Hubby felt (with good reasons) that firstly, the dream was not a cautioning for my future pregnancies, but rather a warning from God. We both know that there is a certain vision/burden He has conceived in me for a certain ministry - since my earlier years in med school. However, we both are also aware of certain struggles I have been facing and not enduring too faithfully in the past few years – my attitude and struggles did impede my efforts to nourish the vision and prepare adequately for the birthing of the ministry. If I go on like this, I would be fruitless and under-prepared when the times reach their fulfillment and the assignment has to be taken on.

Secondly, this recurrent dream must then have been also God’s encouragement for me to forget what lies behind and buck up - because He has made me more than an over-comer in the tests/trials I am facing... To abide more faithfully in Jesus, drawing the sap of life from His Vine and growing. The time for figs has not yet come, but it will come. Let my leaves NOT appear without any taqsh anymore - a sign that there will be no figs. Rather, let the taqsh appear amidst my leaves – so that I will not disappoint the Lord.

Dreams from God

Ben is on leave for the next 3 days, thanks to the Hari Raya festival. So thankful to have him home with me - even though I will be quite busy with my assignments.

Recently, I've been having some "wow" dreams again. I didn't think that they were "pizza dreams", because my pizza dreams are never this vivid and meaningful. Then again, God does seem to speak to me through dreams quite often - and those dreams could have been Him graciously speaking to me about some things I've been ruminating on recently. Especially with regards to what I should be doing post-graduation. I even spoke to Pst. Mark (my spiritual formation II mentor) in one of those dreams. I don't know why he appeared - because I haven't seen him in person for ages. I am working on all his assignments this final term though! Hehe.

May God continue to speak. Lord, open the ears of my heart so that I can listen to You clearly.

Freaky Dream

This time I dreamed of Ben and myself having to sleep in a haunted room... >o<

Somewhere. It wasn't our house - probably we were just putting up there for a night or two. Two nights. The first night, we went to sleep feeling that there was some strange presence in the room watching us. Then I got attacked in my sleep (yeah, I was sleeping in my sleep!) - and I was praying hard to fight off the suppressing spirit. The second night, Ben and I prayed before we slept. However, it was tough - because we had to fight not going to sleep before we finished praying. Don't know why we just felt so drowsy - it was as if there was some resistance in the room toward prayer and the presence of God.

I woke up before I went to sleep in my sleep again.

Interpretation, anyone? :-D

Weird dream

Had another one last night.

I'm not sure why... but I sometimes dream of the guys who used to feel for me in that special way - requited and unrequited... when I hardly (if not never) ever think of them throughout the day. The dreams usually have sad overtones - they make me wake up feeling emo, sorry - and wishing that I could go back in time to say the things that I left unsaid, comfort the broken-hearted and apologize for my insensitive-ness.

Perhaps this is part of being "normal". Don't you have such dreams too? :P

Wednesday

It's mid week... and I haven't finalized the musical arrangements for this Sunday's P-n-W yet! *panics* There has been changes on our worship team (a musician suddenly couldn't play) - so we are in the midst of getting replacements.

My sleep was disturbed by 2 more nightmares last night (had a bad dream the night before too) - I woke up broken-hearted and crying my eyes out. Oh wait, it wasn't just when I woke up - I think I was crying in my sleep too. The feelings of loneliness and being abandoned were keen. Now, I feel so.... emo. >.<