A nightmare

When I was around Sophie's age, I dreamed of my mom lying in a hospital, sick and dying. I woke up heartbroken and frightened. Perhaps that was when death became a reality to me. Those whom we love will have to leave us someday. Sometimes, they leave thinking that we'll be better off without them.

Yesterday night, it seems that Sophie had a dream of a similar nature. She woke up crying for her mummy and was so distraught that she even peed on me when I picked her up. (I changed into dry clothes and continued trying to pacify her.) When we asked her what happened - did she have a bad dream or something - she said that mummy was going away... and mentioned something about dying. My heart ached strangely as I hugged my sobbing baby close. Suddenly, the memories came flooding back - of myself, earlier last year, praying that God would take me Home because I couldn't bear my burdens any longer (and nobody would miss me anyway, least of all Sophie - so I felt). Remembering, I was filled with remorse and repented before God.

Dearest Sophie, mummy is sorry. I am sorry for the times I let you go, thinking that you'd be much happier without me. For the times I left, thinking that you needed the space. For being susceptible to the Enemy's work of sowing inferiority in me. For doubting God's appointment of me to be your mummy. I don't know how long more I will have before we have to part ways; neither do I know how I will have to leave. But I promise to work hard to be the best mother I can be meanwhile - to meet all challenges head on, to love you unselfishly, to take good care of myself, to bring you up in the ways of the Lord, etc. Please forgive me.

Love,
Mummy