Refuge

Sometimes I feel that God has His own sense of humor.

Today, I made a comment to hubby: "I don't know why... but I really like watching dramas with a particular storyline whereby the main guy, who was all cold, aloof, strong and silent (complete with the poker face).... who never got along with the main girl of the story (who is most often gawky, geeky, awkward, different from other girls, not that attractive on first look etc. - in summary, she has to be totally not his type) - suddenly found himself in love with the girl (of course she loves him too), but she only got subtle hints of his feelings through certain actions (most of which are of a rescuing nature - eg. rescue her from trouble). Then suddenly, in the most unlikely circumstances, he made the BIG confession... and then even though there would be many more conflicts to come, there would be always sweet moments because the girl now knew that he loved her."

Of course, my hubby cracked up. Even I laughed. (Who wouldn't? I bet God was smiling too.)

Was doing my QT just now (late evening) - opened up my Bible to the spot where I had stopped reading the last time. The words of Psalm 62 tugged strangely on my heartstrings in a way I did not expect. I mean, I've gone through this Psalm many times... but the words have never aroused such emotions.

"Truly, my soul finds rest in God... my salvation comes from Him. Truly He is my rock and salvation; He is my fortress, I will never be shaken..." and "My salvation and my honor depend on God; He is my mighty rock, my refuge. Trust in Him at all times, you people. Pour out your hearts to Him for God is our refuge...." and "Power belongs to You, God; and with You, Lord, is unfailing love..."

Suddenly, I felt that God was ministering to me powerfully. Such stirring.

The comment I made to Ben this afternoon suddenly came to mind. I was led to reflect on my childhood - whereby I always longed for an older brother to put his arm around me and protect me. To talk me out of my fears. To tell me that it was OK to be different from others; and I did not have to pretend or lie to be accepted by my peers - or look a certain way. When I was old enough to develop crushes on guys, I would wish that my crushes would do the same for me... and I was always silly enough to make so many self-sacrifices for everyone of them that whenever I found out that the someone I liked was going after another girl, I would be extremely hurt and my already low self-esteem would plummet even lower. Haha. I never thought that I was beautiful before I walked my journey of healing from eating disorders with Christ... and I never felt that any guy would care to date me.

As I was wondering about this, I re-read Psalm 62... and I realized that all this while, there has been a deep longing in me for a redeemer - and a safe refuge. Perhaps, I hardly saw my dad around when I was a kid (coz he was always working hard) - and so I lacked a sense of being cherished and close to a loving father. I didn't know God as a kid - therefore I was so used to transferring such neediness to the guys I like-liked. Obviously, the great need and hunger for love, affirmation, acceptance and protection remained unmet. Even while I am now married (and I have an awesome hubby), the need for such aspects is not completely met. Because only one can fully meet that need. God Himself.

Back to my comment, I felt that God was showing me the reason why I liked such kind of drama storylines... It was because I often unconsciously put myself in the shoes of the gawky, geeky, awkward and unattractive girl.

I would wonder about God (whom I saw as cold, aloof, strong and silent) just as the girl would wonder about the guy. I would long for His unfailing love, acceptance, affirmation and protection - just as the girl would long for the guy's. I would fear His displease and disdain, just as the girl would fear those of the guy. (Suddenly it's not just about being a hopeless romantic, is it?)

And today, I feel that God has responded to my comment with an assurance: "Your salvation comes from Me. Truly, I am your Rock and Salvation... I am your fortress; you will never be shaken. Yes, your soul... find rest in Me. Your hope will come from Me. Your salvation and honor depend on Me. Trust in Me at all times... pour out your heart to Me - for I, your God, am your Refuge..."