Worship leader's jitters

It has been a long time since I led a worship team in church.

The last time I led a worship team in church setting was in 2006 - not at Trinity, but Every Nation Dublin. On a 5-member team... Me, the worship leader on the keys... and 4 other back-up vocalists, some of whom played instruments (bass guitar, guitar) simultaneously. Somehow, after I had left Dublin and returned to Penang, I felt that God was urging me to take a backseat in stage work for some time (after 2.5 years of constantly appearing in front of the congregation and attending worship conferences in Belfast) - to work on my heart as well as my relationship with Him. So I did. However, I found myself not exempted from the smaller scale stuff. Having been newly elected as the PMC-CF worship coordinator, I still had to lead worship sometimes. (Actually everyone on the worship team is leading worship. In fact, if you are in the congregation, you are leading others to worship God in your own way and contribution to the pool of voices - but the "worship leading" I am referring to in this blog-post is more of the role of one who chooses songs, directs the team, conducts the practices and addresses the congregation most during the singing.) Slowly, I found my way back to back-up vocaling. Although I have been leading worship on the MBTS chapel-stage on and off this year and the last, I can't really count that as "church".

Zooming back into the present, while I have been so-called "co-leading" at Trinity, I have been actually functioning as a back-up vocalist - and that's about it, really. I confess that it has been a rather comfortable "hiding spot". Of course I will never say that it is easy being a back-up vocalist - no-sweat kind of thing... I have indeed always needed God's grace (and mercy) in playing my roles - from supporting the various team leaders, working with other musicians and warming up my voice on Sunday mornings. I am never a morning person - and the performance of my vocal cords depends much on my consciousness level and my morning allergies. Sometimes, my voice can remain nasal, out of pitch or husky for quite a while (hate it when this happens). Nevertheless, despite all these, my stress-level in being a back-up vocalist never goes up to that of leading worship (and so I really appreciate and look-up to my worship leaders).

And then, our church worship director, DK, began trying to get me to worship lead at Trinity some time this year (or was it last year?). However, I have been avoiding him at all costs (haha); partially because I have been extremely busy with my seminary studies and wedding preparations this year...so I couldn't have possibly included another item on my over-flowing plate. The second reason for avoiding DK is this: I have been somehow overwhelmed with fear and intimidation everytime I think of myself leading worship in front of the Trinity congregation. Why? Perhaps the Trinity congregation looks much bigger than that of Every Nation Dublin. Also, the styles allowed are a little different. Also, I am afraid that I might say or do the wrong thing. Or choose the wrong songs, haha.

Or on a more serious note, lead with the wrong heart.  

Anyway, I think God never stopped challenging me to over-come this fear of worship-leading. Eventually I could not run away from the calling. Last month, DK told me that WAM was in a severe shortage of worship leaders for July-August - so would I please consider leading? Feeling very convicted (and guilty for being so reluctant) I agreed - and he put me in the 3rd and 10th of July slots. Honestly, I kinda regret now... although the regret is mixed with great anticipation of what God will do. Ultimately may the Holy Spirit be our worship leader - because it is for God, we sing and play our instruments - and offer ourselves, afraid as we may be. To Christ be all honor, glory and praise.

Please don't congratulate me for being brave and all :P ~ coz I have been having the jitters (and mild insomnia) since 2 weeks ago. I would appreciate prayers, pweety pwetty please!! I am so thankful that Peky will stick around to help me this week.

Oh, God, please help me!!!! :S