Two On the Same Side Keeps a Lover's Triangle Away

Common sense, huh?

Picture source

However I promise you that it was profound insight to me a few months back, when I was attending Mrs. L's class in my seminary on Conflict Dynamics. So simple but profound. So easy in theory... but, as I realized, difficult in practice sometimes... We tend to forget this when emotions are running on high like fiery lava expelled during an effusive volcano eruption.

Anyway, a cool game she made us play in class to introduce the concept went like this: We were told to pair up. Each pair received a piece of rope from Mrs. L. We were instructed to tie a knot in the middle of the rope. At the count of three, each member of the pair had to get the knot over to his/her side.

Our class was in a humorous uproar. I was trying not to be distracted myself. There were some red faces as some got so into the game that they were burning up all their calories from breakfast (and their fingers) attempting to win the tug-of-war. My partner was Pam... whose conflict style eventually prompted her to let me win and be happy. When Mrs. L told us to stop, some continued pulling for all their worth. It was so, so funny! She then showed us the way by which both members of any pair could win.

Basically, what we had to do was to get on the same side of the rope... and pull the knot toward us both in one swift stroke! LOL. The simple game taught us one of the most important rules of conflict resolution: we should not fight over who is right and who is wrong (seeing each other as "the problem")... or bargain for a compromise (coz one side inevitably loses out more... and the resentment/bitterness may play up later on). Rather, we should negotiate a win-win situation by putting ourselves on the same side and tackling the problem together. This is applicable in most conflicts, actually.

We worked a lot with scenarios in this particular course - and so I will quote a scenario commonly faced in marriages to further illustrate the aforementioned concept. Husband and wife quarreled because wife was complaining that he was working too late every night and returning home too exhausted to do anything but eat, shower and sleep. This has gone on for many weeks and months. No more time for dates, sweet chats and romantic nights. Husband felt that he was unfairly treated by wife. "If I don't work late, I might lose my job. If I lose my job, who will provide for our family?" Wife bawled. Why? Because she saw husband to prioritize work over her. Husband sulked. Why? Because he saw wife as being difficult and totally not understanding. They had both neglected to sit down together and list down the options of what they could both do about the situation so that the couple could spend more time together and husband wouldn't have to lose his job/lose their family income/feel like a loser with regards to his career. Win-win. Affair-proofing the marriage in the long-term too. I don't have to explain much on affairs, right? There are too many movies incorporating such disasters into their story-lines already. I believe that you readers should be experts by now!

Two on the same side keeps a lover's triangle away. He, she and she... or He, she and he... whatever.

I thought I'd share this, since many of you know that I have more than a 10-year-history of eating disorders (EDs) that occurred sometime in the past 27 years of my life. Anorexia and bulimia nervosa... compulsive eating disorder, etc. Been there, done that. While I can be considered mostly recovered (as in I do not anymore fulfill many of the criteriae published in the DSM-IV that clinically define these illnesses)... recovery is yet a continuum. There is no line in the sand for you to jump over from "sick" to "well"... rather a lifelong journey during which you: heal physically; learn; forgive; rid yourself of the wrong mindsets that you were used to; willfully give up the "crutches" that were used to support your brokenness but which ultimately disrupted the important role of adolescence in your life; authenticate your identity; and of course build new, meaningful relationships with others. (Yeah, so EDs are not about being vain - but rather, being in control. A false sense of control, though.) Straight-forward as it all sounds, the difficulties can be so complex that many sufferers feel powerless to defeat their EDs; and so, relapse rates are high. I confess - I failed miserably at therapy myself (I salute those who stuck at it - I was merely too inconsistent and too anxious to get out of it, tee hee). It was only by staying close to God through Jesus Christ that I was able to find the strength to go on and be where I am today. And no, I didn't stay close to God by my own puny capabilities either - God has indeed graciously blessed me with friends and awesome family members who kept me faithful even when I kept falling down into pits of miry clay!  

However... having arrived at where I am today, it is so easy for me to take for granted that the journey is still on-going. That my weaknesses still exist and that the Enemy, Satan, knows where my vulnerabilities lie. The transition from singlehood to now (having been married to Ben for 6 months+) has been about learning how communicate; adapting to one another's values, needs and die-hard weird ways *haha*; developing intimacy; as well as identifying one another's baggages in order to trash them and move on together. I hardly thought about my journey of recovery from ED until recently, when we were trying to address certain issues regarding intimacy.

Regarding intimacy: Erik Erikson's developmental theory, which organizes life into 8 stages extending from birth to death, argues that deep intimacy with the opposite sex is only possible after an adequate sense of identity has been confirmed. In many ways I agree. I amuse (or annoy) Ben sometimes when I repeatedly ask him to tell me who I am.

"Am I pretty? Tell me the things you like about me. What do you think I am good at?"
More often these: "Am I fat? Am I putting on weight?" More, more, more often.

Honestly, I have caught myself fretting about weight-gain more often (yeah, not again, huh!) after I got married. This brought me to realize how much integrated still, getting thin and staying thin, are in my sense of self. So much so that I sometimes find myself: feeling guilty after pigging out with Ben, longing for an excuse to skip a meal (although there has been none), contemplating whether or not I should purge; and juggling my commitments in order that I still have time to exercise (you can guess what my motives were) etc....I can safely say that I don't do even half the dangerous things I had planned to do... by God's grace. BUT... potential lover's triangle? Me, Ben and ED. It would be tough for me to be fully and vitally intimate with Ben if I continued obsessing about "being thin" and allowing the lies of Satan to steer my life or define who I am. It would be difficult for me to fully commit myself to marriage if I stand so near to the enticing flames of ED. However, the journey toward recovery needs not be disrupted here and now. I thank God for an understanding husband, who is fully committed to give stability, assurance and love so that I may continue to reach new stages of healing... who walks alongside myself as I confront past painful issues and grow secure in God. Therefore, two on the same side will keep the lover's triangle away.

No... I am assured... not just two - but ultimately THREE on the same side keeps a lover's triangle away. God, Ben and myself against ED (and Satan).