Today was an extremely-feel-fat day for me.
The problem surfaced because I have been attending loads of eating events lately. The eating kinda threw me off track, because I'd more often than not end up so stuffed - that I'd eat much less in the next meal because I would still feel full. As a result of the irregular meals and irregular portions, I would feel like I am spiraling out of control. I would also feel hungry at the oddest hours of the day and whenever I eat, I'd feel condemned and defeated somehow.
Having said the above, this is one of my "down" phases. I believe that God is watching over me and helping me over this rough patch. In times like this, I know He is bringing to my attention the insecurities I've neglected to settle, the parts of my ED that I have yet to work on... and ultimately my great need for God Himself. God's healing presence.
Sometimes I wonder - as a former full-blown ED sufferer - about precisely this: Why do I still feel the pressure and urge to be thin even when my size never mattered to those who love me... when my passion, gifts and skills have never required me to be stick thin... when my BMI is pretty normal for a woman of my height and age... when I know deep down inside that I am beautiful (I hope it didn't sound braggish though LOL)... and when common sense tells me that being healthy should be always my aim? I know what are lies and in contrary, the truth. So why am I still placing such unrealistic expectations on myself? I'm not saying that it's all the time - but certainly in moments like this. Is my brain mistakenly perceiving the fake "high" I am expected to feel when I'm super thin to be... euphoria? Or am I secretly longing for that fake sense of control when I engage in ED behaviors?
I know it's silly - but I feel so terrible to be troubling anyone regarding my struggles sometimes. Even God. Sometimes, I wonder... if He shrugs in Heaven whenever I have all these irrational thoughts in my head - and says, "I'm getting sick and tired of her inconsistencies...."
That is just me wondering. Deep down inside, I believe He cares deeply.
Felt very unworthy, faithless and sinful before God today...but somehow the Holy Spirit reminded me during my quiet time... that nothing can separate me from the love of God - a love that is patient and kind, not resentful, not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly, does not seek its own, forgives, rejoices with the truth, bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.... a love unlike any humanly love - one that never fails. A love that chose to redeem me from my unspeakable shame and the guilt of my sins. A love in which there are no more condemnation and fear. 주예수, You are my solid Rock. The waters of this flood may threaten to sweep me away - but as long as I stand upon Your strong shoulders, these tears of mine will soon cease to flow as I await Your gracious and merciful salvation. Thank You, Heavenly Savior.
1 comment:
I know you do not know me but I have been following your blog this past month. I accidently came across it and read about your ED struggle. I am a christian and also struggle very much with body image and struggle with it on a daily basis. Reading what you wrote here is exactly what I have felt today. Thank you soooo much for your honesty and sharing. I dont feel so alone.
Post a Comment