Reporting from the school-of-hard-knocks...

PERFECTIONISM. I have known myself to have a severe case of it since my days in Dublin.

My student pastor alerted me to it. From my behavior, tendencies and violent struggles with bulimia at that time, he had already detected it. "Perfectionism kills," he had warned.

I don't think I took him that seriously. I was after all a half-baked, naive, junior medical student. Thinking that the world is my oyster.... which I with my perfectionism would open! ("Perfectionism" as opposed to Pistol's "sword" in Shakespeare's play ~ The Merry Wives of Windsor -1600)

Praise God - I have matured ever since... and part of the maturing process requires that I am transformed by the renewing of the mind. And having renewed my mind, I now see that there is something wickedly, grotesquely twisted about perfectionism. I really need to get perfectionism out of my system.

Anyway, I was talking to Ben today about some weird tendencies that I still am unable to kick. I tend to be too hard on myself. Too critical of my performances. And I give myself too high expectations that I am unlikely to achieve.

We were actually talking about the possibility of me in the preaching ministry someday (yikes) - and I was expressing much reluctance because I don't have much confidence (yet) when it comes to talking before a sea of faces. I recounted one of those talks I gave to the youths once and shuddered as I remember my own perception of my performance. I remember myself walking away from the microphone feeling extremely frustrated with myself for not having done better. My mistakes, although mostly forgotten by others, glared at me from my near past - almost in a mocking manner. The youths are probably laughing behind my back now, I thought. Imagine my surprise when Uncle GL - one of the youth coordinators - came up to me with a sheet of paper where he had jotted down some observations. And guess what, most of the feedback I received was positive. Half-encouraged, I still thought that Uncle GL was being too kind.

"But you were good," Ben affirmed.

Fast forward back to my conversation with Ben this evening; having recalled the effects of the youth-talk on my confidence to speak publicly (gah!!!), I was led to reflect on my working style.

Whenever I work on something - be it an academic paper, an artwork, song-writing, a performance or preparations to do upfront ministries - if I make just one mistake OR if I feel dissatisfied with my work.... one of the following 3 things usually happens:

1. If it is a personal-project kind of thing (think artwork, song-writing) - I would be very upset/discouraged and not want to continue, feeling mediocre. Unless someone convinces me good - and it must be someone whom I trust to not flatter!

2. If it is a project with deadline (think academic paper or prep for upfront ministries) - I would be very upset/discouraged and keep going back to where I began (over and over again) to see if I can tweak something to make it better. And then I would keep checking and re-checking to see if it all "flows". This obsession drives me up the wall and yet I often feel some SICK sense of satisfaction when I engage in it. It's like a love-hate affair. 

3. If it is a performance (say, playing the piano or singing solo for an audience) - I would feel very upset/discouraged on the spot. This would sear my confidence and potentially cripple the rest of my performance. And then I'd get even more depressed. It is a vicious cycle. 

*Sigh* No wonder God is refining me by putting me to work in teams. It is hard to be an individual perfectionist while engaging in team-work. You would be busy getting mad at the imperfections of people or making enemies while expecting perfection out of your team-mates. OR you could burn-out trying to edit others' work to perfection.

Anyone can relate to this? :P

Of course there are many other weird behaviors, but I won't elaborate on them here. Related to my perfectionism and eating disorders, I am a person who finds it very difficult to stand in between two extremes. (I must have blogged about this sometime ago - all that "de ja vu" suddenly! xD) Neither do I feel comfortable in the middle of two extremes. Whenever I find myself there, I tend to attempt to slide back to either one of the extremes. In between the extremes of "perfect" and "absolutely mediocre", once I perceive myself away from "perfect" and nearer to "absolutely mediocre" than the distance between these two extremes... I kill myself (figuratively) trying to make my way to "perfect". Even when I am at "imperfect but good". This is quite silly actually, when deep down inside, I recognize that I can never be perfect ~ and that I am wasting too much time trying to be what I can never be.

No wonder, I suffer from so much depression. Silly melancholic girl!

To quote Ben: "Perfectionism may produce excellent work, but it is a sickness to yourself." I really need to learn how to draw the line between excellence that comes from living life to the fullest ~ and the perfectionism that kills. To differentiate between excelling in order to honor God and excelling in order not to feel mediocre. To joyfully celebrate with Christ whether I excel or fail to do so.

May God help me in His merciful and gracious ways.