In the past year or so, I've felt myself rot away with regards to music. Figuratively and almost literally.
Not many new songs, no fresh chords and I was getting too familiar with certain styles. Bored with jazz at times, even while I have always loved it. Sometimes, it pained me to listen to brilliant compositions and arrangements of other musicians/composers ~ because while they wowed me good, they also made me wonder: "What's wrong with ME?" Yeah, a little self-centered by the sound of it ~ but I was seriously worried. Did God leave me? I couldn't work a gift on my own, even if I were to try my best. Furthermore, through some stretches of my 2011 journey, I got dry spiritually - felt like I was wearing dri-fit instead of my armor of God! This aggravated my condition, like um... scratching your eczematous rash over unmoisturized skin on a blistering hot day in Penang. My fingers seemed to have died some kind of tragic death - not physically of course, but they just felt like 2 bunches of bananas dancing clumsily upon the shiny keys of the beautiful instrument. I was so ready to throw in the towel and give up. As you can imagine, I was depressed all the time. Low self-esteem kicked in; I began comparing myself to other pianists I knew - and these seemed to cripple my playing even further.
Anyway, since the year turned 2012, and I entered my 4th year in MBTS ~ certain changes happened; I began more than anything to learn how to live by God's grace and not my own effort. And guess what?!? My music went through some face-lift (I don't know how to explain it better) - in the past 2 days, I could really worship God while I played; neither cared too much of what my fingers were doing nor tried hard to sound good. BUT, the music sounded absolutely divine ~ especially when I was alone! It wasn't even my music. My soul was so stirred; my fingers spontaneous. I could just play on and on for hours and not notice the time passing by. While the skills I already possess provided a good frame, I felt God graciously lift me beyond my limitations. So liberated; so recharged; so inspired; so awed by the experiences of God using my fingers as His instruments for masterpieces. And the thing is... I don't think that I will ever be able to fully transcribe into a manuscript what went on in between God, my piano and myself. Never.
It has been a breakthrough for me. In the retrospective, I am thankful that God made me wait in my brokenness. Indeed, I've seen His perfect strength in my weaknesses.
Going back to my First Love ~ Jesus; yes, Lord. Let it be so. Amen.
2 comments:
It is so true that when we surrender all our dreams, passions and desires to Him who knows best, we will be given so much more! Everyone of us have God-given limitations and God-given abilities so that in all that we do, we give glory to Him. As you continue to play for Him and for His people, He will enable you to enlarge the place of your tent and do not hold back! :) I love the piano so much, but I cannot play it ;( God has given you this gift and I know He will use you for His glory and yes, you are right, there is no point comparing with others because that will only make you miserable and depressed. You have your own gifting and calling which will be different that others. You will blend in your own style and God given uniqueness into your music which will lead you to producing much more amazing pieces that will speak into others' lives. Ultimately, it is Him working through us :) I hope one day, maybe I can listen to you playing the piano! God willing :)
Your piano playing never fails to touch my heart, jie (n the neighbours i'm sure)...when you're back in kl and playing on the piano, and i come back from outside, the anointed tinkling sounds of your piano are so welcome, so beautiful...i understand how it feels like to feel like having banana fingers...n glad God refreshed you!! hugss
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