Reflecting on Abandonment

Firstly, I spent alot of much-treasured time with people that matter. Although it's just been 3+ days we were away from Penang, it felt like ages and that's a good thing.

In church on Sunday, God spoke to me about His heart ~ or more specifically, the Father heart of God. To date, I've received the same message many times in the past 5 months or so. My sermon passage in Dr. Lawson's class was on our sonship in Christ (Gal 4:1-11). the theological presentation assigned to me by Dr. Sunny was also on our sonship in Christ (Gal 4:4-7). In Singapore (in March), I was at CHC and Pst. KH preached his message was on the story of the Prodigal Son. On Sunday, in CHCKL, guess what? Pst. KH was there for the weekend, and his message was on another aspect of the Father heart of God. During a dinner with Rach (last week) with whom I was sharing my heart's burdens, she reminded me of God's delight as a Father to bless His children.

Reflecting on this and while journaling in my God Journal this afternoon, I realized that God could be working on another aspect of healing with regards to a wound of abandonment in me. For the longest time (as far as I can remember, since I was a child), I've always enjoyed being sick. Not merely because being sick gives me the advantage of sleeping in bed the whole day (haha), but because I craved (and ached for) the attention that came with being sick - the kind that brings you warm hugs, gentle words, special treatment fit for the invalid, closeness with my care-giver, etc. I would often go around, looking very sorry for myself - with plasters on my arms and legs, over non-existent wounds. From the vivid descriptions of hospital-stay I've read from story-books, I would fantasize what it would be like to stay in a hospital as a sick person. When I struggled to find my identity during my adolescent years (along with other stresses and family issues that life handed me), I decided that to be accepted, loved and esteemed as "beautiful" would require me to be thin and sick ~ and thus, I fell into the horrible clutches of my eating disorders. Of course, this led me to Jesus - and the rest is history. While I can explore why this wound of abandonment was there even when I was a child, only God can heal it. It has been a journey - one that began 10 years ago when I gave my life to Christ. This season, I am to learn what it means to be fathered by God. I pray that I'll learn this lesson well. Perhaps, while I heal a little more, I am being prepared for another chapter of my life.