On being pai-seh and etcetera

I've been realising recently that I have been more pai-seh (self-conscious) than ever when it comes to asking for favours from people. Or asking for help. Or when it comes to saying things like, "Can I join you guys?" If I actually do ask for any of these, I will feel very bad and guilty after that.

I just feel like I am pushing myself forward a little too much. Why do I have a tendency to need to appear independent, macho and strong? Or is it because I am afraid of rejection? Perhaps, this has got something to do with my childhood experiences. Back in primary school (when the "I-don't-want-to-friend-you" was popular), I was often rejected by my friends. Not all, but some (and mostly the group which I really wanted to be part of). They unfriended me whenever they wanted, they called me "fat" when they knew that I hated it... but they would also befriend me again when I pleased them. I got pretty conscious about the things I said or did - and when I entered secondary school, I had gotten pretty good (at least I think so) at wearing masks in whatever way that pleased people. I thank God that I got to know Jesus ~ or I could have a multiple personality tendency. Today, the first impression people get of me is that I am prim and proper. I have gotten so used to being prim and proper that I can't tell if it is my nature or if it is a mask. Haha. The truth be told, I do wish that I was more "free" to be less prim and proper - and yet NOT feel bad about it. I also hate being painfully shy. It is a kind of pride, really.

But then again, there is nothing wrong with asking, right? It should be OK for me to ask for favours or ask if I could join others on a group thingy. Right? It should be fine for me to appear weak and admit that I am depressed/lonely (and that I am in need of good company). I pray for the courage to be vulnerable... to allow myself to be vulnerable.

As a result of me keeping my silence, I have suffered a lot. Self-condemnation, a sense of abandonment and the likes. I have much pent-up agony too. I sometimes feel very unwanted and unwelcome - even when logically speaking, I can think of many people who love and like me. Reflect deeper into this - I have concluded that I may not like myself very much. My husband mentioned, in a discussion we had tonight - that for some time, he observed that I had labeled myself as a "Dum-dum". (a.k.a. stupid) And then, I became more clumsy than ever, more timid than ever, more self-conscious, more depressed, more anti-social and more absent-minded. I would say that I became weirder than ever too. I could feel my weird-juices oozing out. No kidding.

But, the truth is, I am NOT a dum-dum! I was not meant to be a dum-dum. I don't think anyone is meant to be dum-dum anyway. We were all fearfully and wonderfully made by God. We were made in love.

Anyway... how I came to muse on this was because I have grown very tired of the phase I am currently in.

I have grown very tired of feeling exhausted every single day because I felt that I didn't match up to the expectations of people. I am tired of those sleepless nights of wondering what I could have done better.

I have grown very tired of wearing my masks - which are becoming heavier and heavier as the days go by. I feel like I am suffocating under them, in fact.

I have grown very tired of suspecting that so-and-so doesn't like me... OK, maybe so-and-so DOES not like me - but I would like to not give a damn about it. I would like to remember, when I feel someone's disapproval, that I do not have to apologise for being ME... that everybody makes mistakes once in a while. 

 I have grown very tired of my lack of confidence and insecurities - which lead me to say and do the most horrifying things, in hindsight. 

Oh God, help me.