Substitute

Definition: A person or thing acting or serving in place of another (n). Or a replacement.

You know, like how stevia is a substitute for sugar in health foods? It is supposed to be better for you than sugar - or so they claim. I had stevia in a hot chocolate powdered drink I once bought. I guess I wasn't too hot on stevia in hot chocolate. I hope I will never have to suffer from diabetes and switch to stevia.

Give me durians instead. Anytime.

In the past years, I have quite often felt like a substitute in many ways. An unimportant substitute of an important, significant other.

A substitute friend.
A substitute member of a certain group.
A substitute piano teacher.
A substitute musician.
A substitute minister.

The list could go on. And on. And on. *Here, I am hearing the introduction of Titanic's theme song in my head.* (Good thing I've never felt like a substitute wife though.)

Perhaps, I always happened to be grafted into a particular group/ situation/ project/ etc. way after it was established. Someone-left-and-I-came kind of thing. Not that this is bad ~ in fact, God must have intended such for good. God must have intended me to enjoy the blessings of His divine arrangements and appointments.

But dunno... It's just that I have been feeling like a substitute this and that. In the group for instance, I felt left-out in a way, because the rest had gelled with each other before I came along ~ I felt like an extra finger on a hand. The sixth finger. Awkwardly placed and unsure of its function. Dragging the rest down and being more of a nuisance than a help. Always timid and nervous to voice out what I thought because I didn't think that my two cents were worth any attention. Sometimes, I wondered if anybody would miss me if I didn't show up. 

I was talking to my boss today about the possibility of stopping my work at Faith next year because of other ministry commitments. Of course I haven't made up my mind completely yet, but I already feel very sorry because of the inconveniences I would cause her (and other teachers) if I were to leave - after she had kindly taken me on board too. I found out today, that she already had a feeling that I wouldn't be staying long in Faith the moment she took me in. Why did she decide to hire me then? 

Her name must not be a co-incidence, really. Through her, I have indeed received God's Grace.

I digress. Anyway, I apologised and told her that if I were to leave, I hope that I had been a blessing whilst I was a "filler" (a.k.a substitute) before the a full fledged teacher came on board. And her answer completely surprised me:

"You were never a "filler." But a full fledged teacher to Faith!"

My eyes filled with tears. I don't think it was just because her words had moved me (they had). But something heavy seemed to fall off my shoulders. Was it relief I felt? Maybe. But more than anything, I felt affirmed. It was as if I had been comforted by Heaven's kiss.

And then I thought of Jesus - who replaced me on the cross. He was God's Lamb of sacrifice ~ sent to die for the sins of the world so that we could have life. Jesus was our Substitute - rejected, mocked, mistreated, spit upon, scourged and killed - so that we did not have to receive the wages our sins deserved. 

Jesus loved. I don't think I love enough - or I would be more contented about my portion and lot. Whether God or my neighbours, I do not love enough. Period. Does it really matter so much if I were a substitute? Unimportant as I may seemingly be? If God had meant to bless someone or a group of people through me, then He will do it whether or not I am significant to that someone or that group of people. But it is not just about me not loving enough. Rooted in deeper is this problem: I don't think I am adequately convicted of God's love for me somehow. There is no condemnation for those who are in Christ ~ but somehow, I still feel condemned. 

Phantom condemnation, haha. It is like how some people can still sense that a missing limb (e.g. due to amputation) is still attached to the body and is moving appropriately with the other body-parts. We call such sensation a "Phantom limb". I have phantom condemnation.


God, help me to first be convicted of Your Father love for me... so that I may love You more and love Your people more. Help me to unlearn the lies that have taken root in my being ~ so that I may see the truth... Your good and perfect will.