Muse: Why I studied medicine

People often ask me why I left the medical field. While I have given their questions a lot of thought and prayer, my inchoate answer persists ~ because there are parts of the mystery that I yet cannot understand myself ~ and I will probably never fully understand these until I meet the One who has called and confirmed.

Recently, some soul-searching brought me to wonder why I studied medicine in the first place. 

I was a child who dreamed much (just like most children would) ~ and therefore, my childhood ambitions were many. When I entered elementary school, I was convinced that someday, I would become one of the following: (1) a doctor; (2) an architect; or (3) a visual/performing artist. A doctor so that I could cure the sick and put smiles back on the faces of the needy. An architect so that I could design gorgeous buildings of inspiration and retreat. An artist so that I could help the world to find beauty despite life's inevitable pains. My heart ached for people ~ especially the hurting, sick, helpless and hopeless. I wanted to make a difference in the lives of these. And so, in my simple mind, I could do so by becoming one of the three: doctor, architect or artist.

In Form 4, I told my mom that I would study medicine because I saw it as both a science and an art ~ through which I could bring life to the otherwise dying. I still don't know why I was so convinced that I could do it. Everything I had heard about medical school frightened and excited me at the same time ~ from the long, arduous hours of cramming massive amounts of knowledge into your head, to the pungent cadavers the students would have to dissect (and the hair-raising cadaver resurrection stories too ~), the exams, the sleepless nights, the blood and the action. I didn't feel like I was smart or strong enough to survive 5-6 years of that, but the courage that trembled in me was almost reckless. (And it was ultimately God who enabled me to graduate.)

My mom was rather skeptical. "Why not study music and be a music teacher?"

I would answer vehemently: "Never. I will never be a music teacher!" (I wasn't too passionate about music back then, having failed a major, performance grade examination miserably.) I guess mom was also rather concerned that I would never get married if I became a doctor. Indeed, I would probably never have married Ben if I had continued in the medical field. I would have neglected him badly if I were to immerse myself into the hectic, adrenaline-pumping lifestyle of a full-fledged doctor. I already find it a challenge now not to neglect him while I am deeply immersed in my writing. *Guilty* May God help me.

There were also some other people trying to discourage me from studying medicine (and I still wonder why); one of them being a tuition teacher whom I highly respect because he made physics, chemistry and biology so easy and delightful to understand. Mr. Q was amazing. I must have found favour in his eyes somehow because he paid me more attention than the rest (perhaps it was because I looked so ill most of the time); gave me so many free reference- and work-books that I hardly bought any in my graduating year of high school as well as in A-levels (maybe I didn't only look ill, but poor too, LOL); and even expressed interest in having me become his god-daughter. Oh well, I digressed. What I meant to say was that I cannot forget the strange expression on Mr. Q's face when I met him after the SPM exams and told him that I was on my way to studying medicine. It was one of concern. He asked me if I really had to do medicine, which surprised me. 

"Yes, I must."
"Well, then... if you must, then you must. Don't study medicine, unless you are very sure that you want to be a doctor." 

I remember myself leaving the appointment feeling rather deflated, disappointed and worried ~ because I wasn't 100% sure that I wanted to be a doctor.  

Anyway, after I became a Christian, my mom's death, SPM and a year into A-levels, my journey toward "bringing life to the otherwise dying" began. My applications were shortlisted, the interview was smooth and into med school (which played an important role in my spiritual formation more than anything else) I went.