The Aftermath of A Loss

I did tell myself last year that I shouldn't visit this particular subject on my blog ever again - because it does sound whiny and whimper-ish to a certain extent, when I have got so much to be thankful for. God has indeed availed healing and manifestations of His gracious love. But something, somehow, crumbled in me today - and I was moved to write about it - as a way of therapy. 

Perhaps, there are others out there who need to know that they are not alone.

This morning, Ben texted back from Austin to express how broken-hearted he had felt upon watching a TV show yesterday evening - he was reminded of the immense pain that he experienced when we lost the pregnancy end of last year. When he shared about it, I couldn't help but let my guard down and weep a little weep. I don't know if I was crying for the hubby or the baby!

Thanks to the comfort of a dear friend (who also inspired me to create papier-mâché), I am feeling much better now.

I now know why my obstetrician advised us to take things slowly and not be in a hurry to "make another baby" even if my health permitted it. (I don't think that my health is stellar this year anyway.) I thank God for the wisdom that He has given Dr. N. Some people tell me that "things could have been worse" - i.e. I would have felt worse if I had lost the baby later in pregnancy - but to me, it makes no difference when it comes to grief. Grief is still grief. When I grieve, I grieve deeply - regardless of the "degree" of the loss, because all losses that warrant grief hit me hard. Whether the loss of a mother, a friend or a baby, etc. (I've got the personality for that, I guess.) Sometimes, grief doesn't just pack up its bags and leave when you try to put behind a loss with the new. Or get back to "life as usual". One needs to respect the grieving process, the length of which is different for each person and circumstance. 

The grieving process, I believe, is also one of healing - a time to draw near to God, to confront denial and anger (and guilt), to relieve sadness through tears, and to readjust to the world seen through a renewed pair of lenses... which the transition of loss has afforded.

Well, it has been 6 months since the miscarriage. Half a year of quiet grieving. 

In terms of healing, I am definitely way ahead of where I was in the beginning - to God be the glory. (I've got a wonderful support system too.) The stress of completing my seminary assignments has distracted me more than enough. However, honestly (and obviously) it still does pinch whenever I see people so happy with their new bundles of joy - especially my friends who got pregnant around the same time as I did. Not that I am jealous or resentful. Indeed, I rejoice for them - but at the same time, I have got to work on trusting God that He is making all things work together for good. Even the painful parts of my life. I need to remember, still, that God cares for me as His child in Christ. These are certainly not easy, but I know that wanting to trust and remember is half the battle won. 

Wait... what am I saying? It is God's battle won. Christ's work on the cross is complete. His grace flows steadily. His grace is sufficient.

It is all in the aftermath of a loss.

To those who prayed and encouraged ~ thank you? :)