Lament: Farewell...

Today. Left the final meeting of our spiritual formation group (before graduation) feeling extremely down.

We mostly engaged in an umpteenth conversation on our post-graduation plans. Nothing much has changed since we last talked. Most of us are in the same "wait, pray and see" boat. You know... do the necessary stuff, explore options and let God's plans unfold in His time. Our lecturer adjourned the meeting and year with a short prayer which affected me much, because reality suddenly hit me: the end of my time at MBTS is near. I have not given much thought to this lately, being wrapped up in papers (if you'll pardon the pun), but well, with the graduation less than a fortnight away, it's about time. While I had numbed myself the best I could to the avalanche of emotions that was descending upon me (and I am rather good at that in the presence of other people, I must say.... A kind of silly pride so that I won't burst into tears in public, tsk tsk)... I couldn't wait to run out of the building, down the hill and into my car, so that I could be alone.

I feel a lot like how I felt when I was about to part ways with my batchmates at med school in '08. A keen sense of losing my bearings. I think, what pains me the most is the realisation that many relationships are going to change drastically. As an introvert, I am not a very sociable person. I don't, for example, attend that many gatherings - because they are not compulsory, haha - and I used to be working in the evenings (a legitimate excuse). Neither am I wild about the hikes and sunny outings that the people at the seminary seem to love (not too fond of the sun too). However, I do have close friends whom I meet up every once in a while for lunch or coffee; a home-group which discusses theological issues and the Bible; and a random few others with whom I can connect at a much deeper level even though we hardly have time to sit down and do heart-to-heart chats. I depend quite a lot on these people to keep me sane - especially while I live a rather unpredictable life. (But then again, who doesn't?) Of course, graduation doesn't necessarily mean that I will lose touch entirely with them (especially those who are permanent residents in Penang). And I know for sure that God would bring me new friends in His time. However, things are never going to be the same again - and there is a part of me which dreads the transition and wishes that something urgent could be done to anaesthetise the dreadful destabilising-pains that uncertainty brings. (Doesn't help that I happen to be a very sentimental person too.)

I guess God has His reasons for painful experiences like this. More than anything, it is so that I can draw closer to Him and feel His warmth. Indeed, no friend or lover should replace Him, I am reminded. None can compare...

Hmmm. I'm sorry if I made anyone emo. I need..... to trust God.

*Listening to melancholic violin music on BBC Radio 3*