Lament: the many gifts

I have had people, in various occasions, tell me that I am gifted in many things. Or "smart".

Some are genuinely happy for me. Some have this wistful look on their faces that puts me into a dilemma over how to respond. Very few (fortunately) show signs of envy, although I'd take my hat off to them for being honest.

I do not talk about this with pride - rather, vexation to a certain extent. I wouldn't usually talk or blog about gifts - but I thought I would tonight. And just in case you can't tell, I am not in my happiest state at this very moment, haha.

I thank God for His gifts - and I am glad that my parents had the wisdom to nurture them when I was young and clueless (and rebellious). It is good to be able to put together skills, gifts, diligence and often, passion - whenever I need - and to have the assurance (at least the slightest bit) that things will go well, especially when God is in the picture. Using those gifts to serve God and others has brought me joy and fulfillment. I guess I can't complain too much. No, I shouldn't complain at all.

Bu-u-u-u-t......

...the so-called "many-gifted" do have their difficulties, trials and challenges too. Especially if you are anything like me.

I must say, that I do struggle when people pay me compliments (especially those with the wistful and envious faces). I feel like hiding.

And what should a person like me have to struggle with?

Well, sometimes, I struggle to be thankful. Because I can't imagine what responsibilities will come with those gifts... or whether I have been faithful with all of them. Sometimes, I struggle when there are many needs (more to do with ministry) all at once. How to choose? How to prioritise? I could meet many needs, but what would God have me do? Sometimes, I am cynical... Like really? What do you want? Sometimes, I am insecure. I'd compare myself with another person who is gifted in the same areas as I am and think, "But he/she is so much better.... how can I be gifted, as they say?" Sometimes, I envy those who can focus on just one gift or two ~ and be such masters. I'd look at myself and think, "Jack of all trades, master at none." It's a little like having many children in one family... I would love to spend more quality time with each child, but time and energy are limited. I can't spend too much time with one child without feeling guilty that I am neglecting another. They are all God's gifts, no doubt about that. But humanly speaking, they can be hard to manage or juggle. I am just being human.

And many times, I am miserable because I can't decide what I am supposed to do with my life. So many opportunities/offers, so many possible areas to work on, so many choices, so many needs I could meet, etc. I end up exploring playing fields one after another - and yet, I can't decide what is best (and God doesn't exactly say NO either - I wish He would), so I appear fickle-minded. When I am relaxed about things and think, "Ah, take one day at a time. No rush, no pressure, no need to think too much. Just do what you're supposed to do and leave the rest to God," somebody would come and ask me why I am not doing anything about this-gift and that-gift... Why, there is this need that you could meet... and that need... and that... Why are you not nurturing that gift? (As if I have all the money and time in the world.)

I really like it whenever God gives me a very clear call and I hear Him well - for example, back then, to study in the seminary.

But sometimes, life is fuzzy-wuzzy and I am hard of hearing. Not to mention, indecisive.

Ah well, it's like they say... in His time, in His time.