Love hate

I think I've mentioned before that we (hubs, Sophie and I) spend our weekends at Ben's parents' home so that we, Sophie's parents, would be able to get more rest, go on dates, get work done (ironic isn't it) and go for Care Group on Saturday nights - all while Sophie is being looked after (read: pampered) by Ben's mom and dad. Sophie also gets to spend more time with her grandparents and vice versa. It is a pretty good deal, as you can imagine.

However, I confess that I do have my struggles. 

I don't think that I am the only mother who struggles the way I do - and so, I thought I'd share a little something here.

I have a pretty awesome mother-in-law who goes the extra mile to love and bless me. If there was an award for the best MIL in the world, I would want it to go to Ben's mom. Godly, prayerful, kind and compassionate - she is such an inspiring woman - not to mention that she cooks well and does an amazing job looking after our daughter. Sophie is often a happy girl in her presence - smiles, laughter and all. 

And I have a problem with that. 

I don't think I could have done without my MIL's help, especially in the first two months after I delivered Sophie. She stayed with us - cooking me nutritious meals (so that I could recover quickly after my operation and make more milk for Sophie), took care of Sophie so that I could rest and focus on expressing milk, and kept the house spick and span. 

But the insecure part of me resented the bond she had with my daughter while I was having such a hard time getting over my post-partum depression (which did not help me to bond with Sophie). I was glad that Sophie had a grandma who loved her so much and got along well with her - but at the same time, I felt like I was being robbed of Sophie's affections. My insecurities seemed to deepen with time, and when Sophie began smiling at her care-givers (she seems to be more reserved when she is with me), I became emotionally drained, often crying alone and feeling guilty for "not having been an adequate mother" to my child. Perhaps, just perhaps, Sophie would prefer her grandma to me. Would she even miss me if I were gone?

It was - and it still is - lonely business. I wonder if any of you, mothers out there, can relate.

Something Ji said to me on Friday struck a chord. We were praying together (she was back from Singapore, so we went out for tea) when she said, "I don't know why... but I feel that God wants you to know that you are the mother whom He has appointed specifically to be Sophie's mom."

Thank You, Lord for giving me grace in my struggles. I know that You will make me more than an overcomer in this. Amen.