I can only imagine

Pondering over a Facebook status that a friend shared last night brought tears to my eyes today.

Well, here is an excerpt from her status:

"Watched Heaven is For Real - true story on a 4-year-old boy, who miraculously survived an emergency surgery, and had a beautiful experience in heaven.

One particular scene that touched me: The boy met his 'miscarried' sister.. When he recounted that to his mother, the parents were shocked as they had never talked about the miscarriage to anyone as it was traumatising. The boy went on to say that the sister hugged him tight in heaven..."

I was reminded of the miscarriage I had two years back. Our child would be approaching 3 years old this summer if he/she had been born. Sophie would have a doting older sibling (if not an envious one).

Until today, I still cannot bring myself to dwell on his/her existence (Ben and I had a feeling that he was a boy) simply because it hurts. And yet traumatises.

People say that miscarriages are common things; but it is never easy for those who go through it. Physically, emotionally, spiritually, etc. I know it might be silly (and faithless) of me - but I dread having another child after Sophie, partially because it would mean going through all that anxiety all over again. While I was pregnant with Sophie, we were always anxious. Ben and I feared that we would lose her like we lost the previous baby. Antenatal appointments were scary even while they brought much joy. Every random bleed and unusual sensation I experienced sent the alarm bells clanging. While I was in labour, waiting for my cervix to dilate (and of course, I had to have an emergency C-section because it did not dilate fully and Sophie was going into distress), I was afraid. I trembled violently throughout the surgery not only because of the anesthetics and cold. but also because my soul was troubled. I only stopped trembling when I heard Sophie bellowing her lungs out across the theatre upon her exit from me - fully alive.

Most of all, I cannot bear to remember the sight of that tiny heart beating upon the ultrasound image - only to stop some weeks later.

Something my friend said reminded me of the hope I have in Christ:

" [The movie is] a token of comfort to all mothers who had this traumatising experience before.. Because God is love.. and heaven is real...our little one once lost is not lost at all but waiting for us above...."

I can only imagine what it would be like when I finally meet our child in heaven. All well and happy.

I would take him/her in my arms and perhaps flood heaven with happy tears. He/she would perhaps hug me tight and ask, "Mama, why are you crying?"

And I would reply, "It's because I have missed you so. God knows."