Wednesday 4 February 2015

31st birthday

While I think that some people make (too) much of their birthdays, I still believe that celebrating your own birthday is important and good.

In the trenches of my eating disorders many years back, I never liked the idea of birthdays. My friends would take me out for dinner, surprise me with cakes and presents, throw me parties, and etc. However, I would feel hollow and depressed at the end of the day, as if my birthday was a reminder of how yet another year had passed by and I still hadn't met certain expectations that I had set for myself, achieved certain goals, improved in my condition, grown in measurable ways and gained control of life. I did not like myself - and I did not see why in the world I should celebrate the day I was born. After all, you would hardly celebrate the birthday of somebody whom you did not like - unless a bank holiday came with it. Celebrating the birthdays of friends left me drained (emotionally and in terms of my wallet) and secretly bitter. 

Being able to be enthusiastic about my own birthday (and my friends' birthdays), for me, is a sign that I have by God's grace come far from where I was. You cannot love others (even God) wholeheartedly when you do not have a very good self-esteem (it's love others as you love yourself), and I have a lot of space for improvement when it comes to self-acceptance and love, but I am thankful that I can now wake up on my birthday, feeling excited about what God has in store for me in the year ahead. Easy or hard hurdles, good times and harder times - He does, according to His purpose, make all things work together for good for those who love Him. Making an effort to live one day a little differently than I would normally do helps refresh my faith and hope in Him. It also helps me to reflect on the year past, particularly the very darkest of days, and rejoice that I had made it through the valley of the shadow of death by His rod and staff.

Well then, I turned 31 last Saturday. Bro-in-law treated the Wongs to a good Italian dinner on Thursday and my hubby took me out for posh, fine dining on Friday evening at Equatorial's The View. (The food, view, and ambiance were top-notch - but I think what I enjoyed most, aside from our 3-hour long relaxed conversation, was the live jazz piano performance. I liked the repertoire, and although the musician made some mistakes and sounded tired towards the end of the night, I still thought that he did a very good job!) I then spent the whole of Saturday at home with Sophie. :)

I don't usually blog so much about my birthday (if anything at all) - but there was something about it this year's birthday that was very different (in a good way) from those in the previous years I have lived. Perhaps, the way things are - the existing state of affairs now that I am a mother - makes me appreciate the day I was born a little more. How blessed and delighted my own mother must have felt when she nursed me for the very first time; how proud my father, when they placed me in his arms all swaddled up, a warm bundle of sweetness. They celebrated. Not just on the day I was born, but the many birthdays that would come. I would love to do the same for our little girl. To remember creatively the day she came into the world as a gift to us for years to come - while we still can.  

Or perhaps, it's just a sign of aging. You tend to appreciate it that you got to live past yet another birthday. Phew. Haha.  

Well, it has been an interesting year past. Here is to yet another beautiful year ahead, Grace.

1 comment:

adeline said...

Happy belated birthday and vim glad you posted this. Makes me analyze how I see my birthday too.