Rant : friendship

Recently, I was feeling a little sad over a friendship that seems to be fizzling out into thin air by virtue of distance, dissipating chemistry and diverging life pathways.... when another friend, from whom I haven't heard in ages, wrote to me asking for my address in Dublin (because she needed it for some reason). Since we were very close while I lived in Dublin (we went through quite a lot together) but lost touch with one another throughout the years, we exchanged news, and suddenly, our friendship seemed familiarly hot all over again.

However, there is a part of me deep down inside that still fails to warm up to it. I'm numb there. And I am at a loss why it is so.

Don't get me wrong. I am thrilled to be connected to her when we have lost touch with one another for so long. (I did grieve over that.) I am thrilled that this might mean opportunities to strengthen what had been weakened. But it's just that.... I am older now... more cynical and more pessimistic about things than I used to be. (Then again, I was never a very positive kind of person.) So I can't help wondering how long the hot-ness would last. I dread the day when I'd be feeling sad over this friendship fizzling out into the thin air. I'd hate to be strangers again. I wonder if I am being overly possessive... or if I expect too much out of my friendships. I wonder if I misinterpreted hot - what if I perceive the friendship hotter than it really is?

Or if I am cuckoo. Can't I just enjoy the season while it lasts?

I wonder what makes us (me) work harder at certain friendships and be more relaxed on the rest. I wonder what makes me want to hang on to certain friendships when I am so detached from people in general (by virtue of my personality). I wonder why I should feel sad over certain fading friendships when I've been blessed with so many other friends in season. Perhaps, certain people provided me the much needed crutches while I was going through the most difficult stretches in life; and the fact that they have done so makes it much harder for me to let go of their hands if and whenever the time comes for me to do so.

Why, maybe we were meant to pop in and out of each other's lives. Does friendship ever end? Perhaps it never does.

There it is... a rant, while I am feeling terrible about my "fizzling out friendship". Haha.