To enjoy motherhood

R asked me yesterday: "What do you pray for yourself when it comes to motherhood?"

I said, "Many things... but most of the time, wisdom."

"Wisdom is important," she quipped, thoughtfully. "But I thought of something just as important, if not more. Ask God to help you to enjoy motherhood."

Bingo.

I love Sophie to the moon and back - but recently, or more than recently, I have been struggling with deep-seated anxiety each time I have to manage her alone... or bring her out of the house on my own. My greatest fear is that I would have zero control over a given situation - e.g. an emergency, a tantrum, a cranky baby due to a missed nap, an unexpected fall, the non-existence of a clean changing room, my precious baby pooing in her nappy, or germs. Yes, germs. I might not have full-blown OCD necessitating medication and all, but I am obsessed over the germs, bugs and bacteria in public places (especially toilets and changing rooms). I bring Dettol wet wipes wherever I go, whether on my own or with my baby - and I avoid bringing Sophie to hawker centres, mamak stalls and places which are known to have less than immaculate hygiene. I gravitate towards "safe places". I keep having urges to wash my hands with soap throughout the day. (I am currently recovering from rash on my palms from too much hand-washing.) Whenever S drops a toy on the floor of the restaurant, picks up tiny, unidentified objects from her crawling expeditions on the floor (even at home), or licks tables (golly-schmolly), I'd get a panic attack that is seriously not funny. It feels as frightening and suffocating as one of those panic attacks that I used to get by virtue of my eating disorders whenever I was forced to eat something off my list of "safe foods". Although I try not to react too vigorously or be overzealous in cleaning, for Sophie's sake, I can feel my heartbeat accelerating and my fight-or-flight responses turning on. I freeze in the face of emergencies.

Sophie's go-out diaper bag just burst at its seams this month, because I kept over-stuffing it with spare diapers, creams, wet wipes, toys and etc. Even I would admit that we hardly ever need everything on each trip. And I keep wondering how my mom (when we were kids) hardly brought anything with her whenever we went out!

Hmmmmmmm.... :'/

Helppppppppppppp!!!!

It is no wonder that I am so exhausted after every family trip or outing. Exhausted to the point of depression, really.

Was I like that before I had a child? Yes and no. Yes - I already had moderate issues with germs, hygiene, organisation, numbers, bizarre fears (for example of walking on grass), rigidness, intrusive thoughts, overzealous introspection, overanalysing relationships and such. I tried my best to step away from these - and I made conscious choices on what thoughts/behaviours to curb. Healing from my eating disorders helped; in the healing process, I recognised that I had always entertained many irrational fears - and was able to, by God's grace, identify other non-food/non-weight related fears in my life. But there was no child in the picture, then. Now, I am sometimes afraid that I might project my fears unto my child or affect her negatively by my behaviour. I am also unsure if my symptoms are hormonally triggered - because something's different about them post-partum, for sure. I don't think that my struggles are all too severe, compared to anything I've read on the sufferings of other OCD mums, but I wouldn't want S to grow up in the shadow of my issues. God, please.

Well, something has got to change for certain. My husband told me (when I confessed this to him) that first, I would need to learn to "play by ear" more instead of planning so much. And let go.

Why does that sound emotionally challenging?

Anyway...

You can imagine that OCD tendencies are taking a toll on my enjoyment of motherhood.

And so I agree with R. I need to pray that God would help me to enjoy motherhood. To enjoy outings and our time together, rather than being distracted by the unfounded fears that I allow into my system. To know what matters and what doesn't. To let go of my obsessions and dull myself to the impulses to act on compulsion. To learn some spontaneity and well, if I need to plan so much, to plan to be spontaneous. To relax. To know that it is ok to be anxious but not to allow anxiety to cripple my mothering instincts. To take chill pills. With God, all things are possible.