Musing: Post-post-pregnancy and EDs

I last blogged about my journey as a former eating disorder sufferer here: Post-pregnancy and EDs.

It has been 8 months since I sat down purposely to ponder on my experiences pertaining to my EDs. I thought I'd do it more often, but life went on and I didn't. The fact that it has been 8 long months says a lot about how intimate I am with my sufferings nowadays. Or perhaps, I have, by the grace of God, made peace with my intrusive thoughts, and have accepted them as "normal" and negligible as long as I do not act on them.

Speaking of which, I think that recovery from EDs requires the sufferer to have realistic expectations of the kind of thought life that one should possess in order to qualify as "recovered". This involves accepting the new "normal" in the sense that it is OK to struggle inwardly with certain issues as long as one still does his/her best to be helped, live healthily, integrate into society, and focus on bigger and more important things - such as living one's passion(s) and potential to the fullest. There will always be temptations. You will tend to scrutinise your body and imperfections more (and often, more than others do). You might be more easily offended when anybody makes light of eating disorders or teases an overweight friend... or an overweight child in my case, because it brings back memories of my childhood and makes me paranoid that that child whom you are calling "fat"/"chubby" would grow up to be me. (I was not that overweight though.) You might still take a long time to decide on what to eat when eating out. And it might still drive you crazy whenever your husband tells you that "I've got no plans for tomorrow... let's play by ear... free and easy" - because a predictable routine and structure makes you feel safer and in control. This is what "normal" is like for me. By not fighting or denying it, and learning to live with it, I empower myself to make the right choices, let go, and live. By not obsessing over the very mindsets that I've learned are wrong - I acknowledge that I am human, in need of God's transformative work in my life. By not trying to eliminate the unfounded fears because they will somehow return to lurk in the battlefield of the mind and challenge what you believe, but rather, soaking in God's truth and the affirmations of loved ones, I find myself forgetting to fear. The fears drown with time. This is what being a recovered ED sufferer looks like - at least for me.

Anyway, it has been 8 months. I may have stopped fearing for myself, but being mom to a blossoming girl toddler, I catch myself being afraid for her at the randomest times of the day - for instance whenever she walks up to me with a trusting smile on her face, or immerses happily in a warm bath with her floating ducks and water balloons. I wonder if my own mother ever foresaw the dark years I would enter as an adolescent, desperate for acceptance and rituals (and ultimately, a malignant lifestyle) to neutralise the disgust I had for my imperfect body and self. As I tell Sophie how beautiful she is to us - how loved and delightful - I wonder if my mother ever hoped that THE DAY when I would stop believing in those very same affirmations would never come. As I drink in Sophie's happy oblivion to our societal ideals of beauty and success, I fear that she might one day be engulfed by them. To think that I am responsible to guide her so that she would grow up to cherish her worth in Christ, be fully alive in Him, and not self-harm in the name of beauty/acceptance. What a mammoth responsibility! I pray that I would not fail. Let me finish well.