When guilt is expensive

How many of you, moms, have succumbed to the guilt of not having enough quality time with your little one(s), and therefore, tried to patch things up by spending money?

I have. Guilty as charged, I am.

And imagine... me, a partial stay-at-home-mom. I can't imagine what I would be like if I worked out of the home full-time.

I always struggle with the temptation to spend money in order to feel less guilty about my absences at home, build rapport with Sophie, or gain her affection. Buying new toys, books and clothes. Letting her go on kiddie rides at the mall. Special experiences - like a baby spa and posh holidays. Expensive disposable diapers. Organic food when the non-organic versions are just as good. I am not saying that these things are bad; it is great when we can afford them. But my motives behind acquiring these things are wrong - and so, they can be temptations. I don't always succumb - but unfortunately, I have. It is a real struggle. Eventually, there will be the temptation (and peer pressure) of expensive enrichment classes and schools... and it is a little depressing when I know that I can't afford too many of these things. I would feel sad and angry about the fact that I am not earning a five figure salary (and so isn't my husband) but hey, Charles Spurgeon did say this: "You say, 'If I had a little more, I should be very satisfied.' You make a mistake. If you are not content with what you have, you would not be satisfied if it were doubled." Why should I be dissatisfied when God has provided us so much? Why should I try to appease my guilt by spending money unnecessarily? Why should I be guilty in the first place? What am I teaching Sophie about money when I spend like that?

The root of all evils is my insecurity. Logically speaking, I don't think that Sophie resents my absences all that much, just as long as somebody familiar (grandma) is at home with her and she gets to play, sleep, eat, and drink milk. Sure, she whines a little whenever I say goodbye, but I always come home to a happy (and not sulking) child. Rather, I project my own resentment of self on her. I resent myself for needing that time out in the afternoons - to work, write, and drink tea alone. Selfish or sensible? I resent myself for being that boring, predictable mom who reads the same book to my daughter every day... that tired mom who has little energy at the end of the day to do too many creative things. I so need to break out of this guilt.

Making every moment spent with our children count - that should suffice. If we try our best as moms, I think that there will be quality time enough.