"Please" is said in hopeful anticipation to receive. "Thank you" is said in joyful gratitude - upon receiving.
But a sincere "Sorry" requires courage to utter. Unless you are an over-apologiser (like some dear people I know) or are pathologically racked with guilt and shame, "Sorry" not only requires courage but also humility, love, and a certain measure of remorse for having wronged another (or made a mistake). Even grown-up and mature adults find it hard to say sorry at times, to make no mention of little children. It's embarrassing. It makes the apologiser feel weak (even though it's a sign of strength). Being forced to say sorry makes things worse. It makes a person like me rebellious, sarcastic, and ANGRY.
And so, it's rather pointless to make our children "Say Sorry" so that they accept responsibility for their wrongs. (I am speaking from guilt. Been there, done that.) Because they can't be less prideful than us adults, can they? And for very young children, like my 18-month-old toddler, "Sorry" doesn't make sense when you don't understand why you shouldn't do certain things that feel so right - like slapping people across their faces when you are furious.
Apologies, forgiveness, and reconciliation are ultimately about human relationships.
I think kids learn to apologise without being taught when we nurture empathy in them.
It is not enough to model apologies when the situation necessitates it (although a child who has been apologised to would be able to understand better the need to apologise when he/she wrongs another). It is very subjective when it comes to deciding who is wrong anyway. But empathy, i.e. the ability to identify with another's situation, feelings or pains, helps children to be more intuitive about the consequences of their actions toward others. Empathy is about accepting that everybody is different - and so empathy goes beyond apologies. It motivates sensitivity and generosity in accepting that others may not see through our lenses, and thus, they might not see what we see. Empathy makes us want to know what others think and feel - even when we are so certain that we are right. We rethink our words and actions. We make peace. Furthermore, empathy rises above grudges. We forgive those who have wronged us especially when they apologise. And being able to forgive others makes us more ready to apologise when we ourselves are wrong - simply because we can appreciate the beauty of reconciliation in relationships.
Science demonstrates that toddlers typically show the earliest signs of empathy after their first birthdays.
With my toddler, here are what we've been trying to do on a daily basis so that we nurture the growing spurts of empathy that she demonstrates towards Duckie, Doggie, Bear, et al. (to us as well - but it is much easier to empathise with furry creatures that do not bite the hand that slaps them. Not that we do, of course):
1. Show her empathy. Whether she is happy or unhappy.
2. Provide clear, simple explanations about how others feel when they are sad or hurt. Picture book characters, her stuffed animals, and us. I make her stuffed animals cry piteously whenever they fall down so that Sophie can comfort them. Haha. I also don't beat her hands when she slaps me on her face. I'd rather hold them down firmly and tell her that I am not going to beat her back; beating is NOT ALLOWED because it hurts others. Use your hands to sayang. Not to cause pain. She usually strokes my face after that to make peace.
3. Praise any act of empathy she initiates. Sharing her food or toys with others, kissing Duckie when he is down, or kissing daddy when he comes back from a long day at work.
4. Model empathy to others - neighbours, friends, janitors, grandma, grandpa and even the stuffed animals. I cuddle them alot. :P I mean the stuffed animals.
As a way of conclusion, here is Elton John's "Sorry seems to be the hardest word" for you. Not that it is really related to my blogpost content! :D And that is definitely not Elton John playing it in this particular video.
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