Something that made me uncomfortable today

A friend gave Sophie some money for ice-creams today. Very kind of her.

As usual, I cued, "What must you say?" The correct answer is, of course, thank you. S usually says thank you. However, S refused to thank the giver this time. After a few prompts, I said softly while tugging gently onto the 10 dollar note in Sophie's hand, "Shall we return the money then?"

To this, my shocked friend said, "Don't force. You should never threaten a child."

That made me blush. However, I simply replied, "It is to teach her manners."


The incident made me rather uncomfortable. And guilty. And embarrassed because I embarrassed the giver (more than my child, I think). I didn't get to explain the rationale behind my actions/words because it was not a very appropriate moment to give a speech. Thought I'd do it here instead.

First and foremost, I am not the perfect mother. I apologise if what I did was tactless, rigid, rude, and tiger mom-ish. Thank you for feeling sorry for Sophie.

Secondly, I actually meant what I said. If it was a threat, it was not an empty threat. Yet, I would like to think of it as an enforcement of a logical consequence which I have explained in advance to Sophie in case she deliberately neglects her basic manners - rather than a threat. S understands what is expected of her. I may not spank my child (yes, I don't!) and I can be pretty lenient with many things, especially considering that S is still a toddler. I tend to fight the much bigger battles instead of sweating the small stuff. However, I am big on consequences - both natural and enforced, logical ones. I don't think I was manipulating or forcing S to say thank you. Neither should we see it that way. Rather, I was empowering her to choose good etiquette - in a way that she would best understand at her age. Say thank you; because it makes the giver happy, it makes your mummy happy, and you get to keep the money. Win-win-win. Having said that, I probably won't be doing this when she's older.

Thirdly, I am not really forcing manners down her throat. We model manners at home all the time, including thank yous and other forms of appreciation. There is no excuse for not thanking the giver when you know how to do it. Furthermore, a gift costs the giver something. Instead of treating S to ice-creams, my friend could have used the RM10 to buy herself lunch the next day. If S isn't going to appreciate the monetary gift the proper way, I would rather that my friend uses the money to buy herself lunch. Sorry if that sounds harsh. Perhaps, returning the gift would be kinda rude after all. I might want to modify the consequence. But what could it be?

Fourthly, it is ultimately not merely a matter of manners. Rather, it is a matter of respecting parental authority. As a mother, I am all for a very sensitive approach to parenting that empathizes with the feelings of the child, acknowledges the importance of his/her presence, is mindful of the developmental stage of the child, and affirms constantly. I demonstrate patience, kindness, and gentleness to the best of my abilities. With this, I also expect S to respect those boundaries that we do set for her. I am strict with these because it is necessary for her to comprehend the significance of obeying her parents especially at this stage. I don't think S was really ungrateful when she refused to say thank you. Rather, she was being toddler-rebellious and testing her boundaries. And so, I had to do something about it. Sure, my methods could still be improved, but saying thank you when your mom cues you to do so (or else...) is the rule.


Well then, Sophie got to keep the money and eat ice-cream.

So why am I still feeling bad about this?