The tiger in me...

Some nolstalgic feelings...as I flip through my old photo albums.

 

 

 

Pictures of mission trips - my one-month trip to Poland especially. It was a very stressful mission trip (actually most of my mission trips have been stressful, because save the one to Sandakan, I have never gone feeling adequately prepared. I always had to rush assignments before my trips!) - Ben was in the States then; we communicated mostly via Skype (which was terrible, coz my house has bad Internet connection); the time-zone differences had either myself staying up pretty late or him waking up super early so that we could talk; plus I had to prepare for Poland all on my own. Thank God my dad sent me off at the KLIA airport - otherwise I would have felt even more miserable! In Poland, everything is written in Polish - so my English didn't do me much good - we kept going in circles in the city, because we didn't quite get the directions kind passers-by gave, we took a long time to order food in the eateries and mostly stuck to the "safe" stuff; there was pork and boiled potatoes in almost every meal (which I should have been thankful for, but I don't like pork or boiled potatoes... ); I was pretty under-prepared for the drastic changes in weather (fell sick too - thank God that by that time, I had learned quite some words in Polish - and therefore could order my medication at the pharmacy!); and the water at the Warsaw Baptist Seminary was full of iron - so our white clothes turned yellow and I was paranoid about using the water in the sinks to rinse my mouth, in case the water stained my teeth yellow too! All these - to make no mention of the various conflicts with had within our team. They were dealt with very well though - I've never had such things happen before, so it was alot of valuable lessons for me.

However, remembering that tough month at Poland makes me very touched. Yes, I was inadequate, but God made me adequate. I had nothing to pay my way to Poland (not to mention - to cover all the expenses over one month. Including the air-fare, it was a little over RM10K) - but God graciously supplied all my needs so that I had even some money left-over to pay my dear sister a visit in the UK after our mission trip was over. My dad also sponsored part of my UK trip so that Zoey and I could make a trip to Cardiff and Bath. I was suffering from a bad case of emo-ness, having been geographically separated from Ben for 3 months with poor means of communication (I cannot imagine how people do long-distance relationships - or how the wives of soldiers could cope with their husbands being away from the home for many years with no news of their whereabouts in between), but somehow God heard my prayers, helped me and gave me strength - that I really enjoyed my Poland trip despite all the mishaps. My mission trips are times in my life, whereby I had to depend on God the most... but at the same, these mission trips were the best times in my life. It is during such mission trips, I can be fully myself.

I have always wondered what implications my marriage would have on the "tiger" within me. That part of me that often longs for adventures, to accomplish new missions, to travel to new places, to keep learning, to minister to different people, to do many new things. Will that "tiger" part be tamed? Or will my "tiger" be unleashed? As I journey as a married person, I am glad and thankful somehow. I thank God that Ben is one who is much steadier than I am - in a sense that he doesn't make important decisions in a hurry (at least now!) and race off on crazy ventures without counting the cost. That "ties" me down to reality in a good way. On the other hand, he is also one who is different from many others I know, coz he is almost never conventional... constantly churning out new (and sometimes wacky) ideas, longing to do things differently, etc. He is quite a "tiger" too himself, except, he is a "tiger" who is forced to be a pussy-cat at this point of life (and he is trying to be cheerful eating Friskies from a bowl). Plus, he always encourages my "tiger" to come out, show some "claws", roar and conquer new missions... even when I hesitate. I guess, ultimately it's God's beautiful plan for me.

So today, my prayer is simple: God, show me who I really am. Those dreams I once had - will they only remain as fractions of wild imagination? Those tears I once cried for Your work - will I still cry them today?

God, show me.