The lamp unto my feet

As the MBTS graduation draws near... while I am supposed to be studying for my final test next week on the Book of Mark...

I can't help getting a little obsessed over a certain worry - of what I am to do after this season is over. I remember that this happened in my final year of med school too, after I graduated from PMC and while I was working at TMCP ~ before God finally lifted up the black curtain and I saw......a majestic sight: MBTS looming up in the distance. Which highlighted the starkness of my "penniless" state. Haha! So I've gone through this before and God had shown Himself faithful. Imagine - 3 years of full-time theological studies in Penang, 3 mission trips (one of which I stayed in Poland for a whole month) and I never did much work to earn any money for my studies/living expenses apart from giving a Korean girl English tuition for a month... and teaching piano for 3 months. Prior to my theological studies, God had already prepared my dad's heart to accept that his eldest daughter would never become a clinician - and eventually, he came to be most supportive of my studies. My non-Christian relatives, even though they didn't quite understand why I had to do what I did, were also prepared (so unexpected) - because my cousin-in-law began his theological studies 6 months before I did (also unexpectedly). When I announced that I was going to the seminary, most of them just went, "You too???" ~ much to my relief. (I thought that I would get a earful.) Through the kind, generous hearts of some, God mercifully provided for me all the way. But why are my present uncertainties getting my knickers in a twist again?

It doesn't help that everyone keeps asking me and I really don't know how to answer. I don't want to do something just because everyone is expecting me to meet certain needs. After all, there will be needs everywhere. I don't want to appear "unambitious" to people or look like I don't care... I care, but I just don't know what kind of "ambition" should I cherish in my heart. I just know that I'm good at some certain things other people have confirmed... In the past 7 years or so, I've discovered my gifts, my heart, my personality and the life experiences that I've got to faithfully put to good use by God's grace, leading and timing. I just know that there are so many dreams and so many burdens in my heart (including those with regards to being a good wife and mother) ... I see so many possibilities.... and yet, I still feel like I'm trapped in a rut. Or rather, lost in transition. Maybe I try to look/plan too far. I don't know. One major concern in my heart: It is ultimately not about me. It is all about God. How does He want me to join Him in His Kingdom mission to this world? What if the way I've always imagined isn't the way that God is preparing me to go? I wished... how I wish, God would just throw me a life-saver - and yet, what if He's already done so and I don't recognize the life-saver?

I think I sound like a very confused human being, right? I apologize that I often go on and on about this and yet never seem to find a conclusion. Even my husband took some time to understand why I can be sooooo fickle-minded. I waver because I am unsure (and the perfectionist in me is afraid of making mistakes). I say that I will do something at one time, only to abandon my initial plans at another. Give me some time...I will muster up the courage and faith to attempt what I am afraid of. May God help my unbelief. I also believe, God will again mercifully lift up this black curtain I face, sometime...

Nevertheless, I am always glad that my husband is ever-faithful to remind me to "start somewhere... start small". God's Word (and guidance) is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path (Ps 119:105). It was during a mission trip in one of the very rural villages of Sarawak that I learnt to appreciate this verse. In the pitch black night and the absence of electricity-generated light, we carried bright torch-lights to make out the paths that would lead us from Pastor Sammy's house to the common building, where church services were held. I must admit - I have a fear of stepping on poo - be it that belonging to dogs, hens or cats - so I was obsessed with directing my light to the ground right in front of me so that I could avoid any poo in the damp grass I was treading on. I realized after a while, that it was impossible for me to check out what was on the ground a few steps before me while shining my light to the further distance to see where I was actually heading. I could only choose one thing to do - and since my friends around me were already navigating the way, I chose to check out the ground for poo and warn my friends. In the same way, God's lamp unto my feet will only illuminate the few steps before me. As I continue to move forward in faith (and not veer off course), the lamp will illuminate another few steps... and so on. One day, when I look back, I would see that I have walked a whole path. God's gracious path.

Life will go on after graduation. I will continue with my language studies and work on my writing and music perhaps. And we will see how.