He gives and takes away...

Thoughts.

Again, reflecting on Robert Clinton's writings ~ which we are required to do as part of our Spiritual Formation III course...

"Obedience checks are not always logical. It is one thing to obey when it seems logical and necessary, but it is quite another when obedience calls for something that doesn't make sense. Obedience doesn't always hinge on understanding. Sometimes it is true we know in order to do but it is also sometimes true that we do in order to know..." - Robert Clinton.

I agree with Clinton's statement. For me, it perhaps shed some light on one line of a song that I used to find tough to sing... "He gives and takes away..."

Recently, I have been pondering on why God sometimes allows us to receive gifts/opportunities of which He would eventually tell us to let go.

In moments of weakness, I would be bewildered at why God didn't stop me from embarking on my med school journey... so that I wouldn't have to spend five years (or more) studying for something that I would never be licensed to practice. I had dreamed; I had prayed; I had worked hard in the "right" direction even since high-school; I had given much of myself to reach for that childhood ambition... and in fact, I had been so sure that God had confirmed and made my road straight. It would have been a "happily ever after" ending so to speak... if I didn't encounter the circumstances which led me to ask myself one of those "dangerous" questions; and if I had not begun dreaming a different dream. (I felt guilty for delighting in it too.) In my second year in med school, I asked God, "Why only now...?" ~ which later led to, "Was it a mistake to come here?" as well as "Is this new dream really from You?"

God's Word, my time with Him, prayers, dreams, prophecies, miracles and the encouragement of my prayer partners - these gracious confirmations continued weaning me from my initial plans for post-graduation to follow a whole new path. One that I had never imagined. Furthermore, those confirmations played a major role in spurring me on in the remaining years of med school... both to graduate and to study matters of the Human Body diligently even though I didn't see the point of doing so anymore. I pressed forward and eventually came to a decision... but it was not without inner conflicts, wonder, confusion, doubt, dread (of what my classmates would think of me - schizophrenic, perhaps), guilt (for my dad's sake) and fear of how to break the news to my family and relatives that I wasn't going work as a clinician after graduation. Obeying God meant giving up the medical degree God had given me as well as the privileges it held. Also, it required me to, in many ways, detach from friends with whom I once had many things in common. Despite my earnest desire to be in the center of God's will, I don't think that I obeyed very well ~ I certainly could have been more cheerful about things. BUT, I thank God for the grace and strength to obey nevertheless. It is difficult to explain fully how I felt about the whole act of obedience... Perhaps, grief and self-doubt... and yet - joy, peace and FREEDOM. I'd swing between these two extremes.

It is approaching four years since my graduation from med school, and I must say that the extreme of grief has diminished greatly, if not all. At the hindsight, it is a whole lot easier to rejoice and feel blessed that God has "given and taken away"... because I now see better how my time in med school has not been wasted. However, would I be where I am today if God had not given me the grace to obey Him back then? Highly unlikely. Indeed, God is sovereign ~ full of love and unfathomable wisdom.

And so... He gives and takes away. But let our hearts still choose to say, "Lord, blessed be Your name."