Can I?

It is going to be my 5th year in the seminary. Technically. 

Coz I began my theological studies sometime in 2009.

It has been an amazing journey. I wanted to use the word "Magical" to describe the journey ~ but it was way more than magical. Life hasn't been a fairy-tale - living happily ever after and all - and yet it is exceedingly and abundantly more than a fairy-tale. Rather, a memoir or narrative of the Creator of this world (our Creator) providing His children the best things in His Holy love and will - both painful and pleasant. In the bigger picture, it was History (His Story) of His faithfulness and interest in human individuals whilst He was redeeming the whole Creation through the spread of His Kingdom on earth.

I've had many ups as well as downs. I've gotten my heart broken and yet I've dipped into God's healing stream of grace. I've stumbled, bruised my knees and sometimes, run away from God... but each time, God wooed me back by His lovingkindness - and so, I've also gotten up to walk again ~ many, many times, by God's grace. I've been lonely - and sometimes I still am - but I've been truly blessed with awesome friends who, many times, play the role of God-given mirrors. In the context of my interactions with them, I discover my many imperfections and insecurities. Eventually I would turn to God and say "HELP". Last but not least, I've been confused and yet I've been helped to discover some God-given mission fields where I can be effective ~ one of which is my current work with the little children. 

I believe that God gives you beautiful journeys like mine too ~ wherever He has called you. As long as we walk in the center of His will, it will always be the best journey ever. 

I'm slowly arriving at another beginning of an end - and the end of a beginning. A forked road awaits me in the distance. The tide of that sea of many different options and needs is coming back in ~ and twilight beckons the dawn of a new day. I have to pray for God's direction and guidance ~ and wait. I am musing over the many options too. The question I seem to be asking myself most is, "Can I?" ~ as in "Am I really capable of attempting such things?" I ask the question with such doubt in my heart too. We are always back to square one with regards to learning to trust God in the face of uncertainties, aren't we? I know I am.

Well, God has been reminding me recently - that even if I cannot - or am NOT capable of attempting the things He has called me to do - I should just be glad that God has called me. Just avail myself and leave the rest to God. Because ultimately, serving God is not about being a worldly type of slave or employed worker - but fully living and growing as a child of God. One who is empowered by the Holy Spirit to do spectacular things as he/she lives each day in faith, hope and love. One who is ultimately geared towards knowing God intimately through the mission-field God has placed him/her in. Indeed I hope, that this is precisely what seminary and ministry are about ~ ultimately, truly knowing God... loving Him and therefore loving His people.