Grace's Book of Waiting Records and EDs

Today, Dr. White preached a thoughtful sermon at chapel, which was nutshelled by his introductory words right at the beginning: "...If missions are to be revitalised, we must wait on God. God is GOD. His time is not our time. His ways are not our ways..." He went on to give us examples of how 3 Biblical characters, who had been called to do great things, waited long and hard on God before the time was ripe. Before God's time came to its fullness.

Very well then. 

I was momentarily and gracefully distracted there by my own random thoughts. Very Grace-like indeed. 

Sorry, Dr. White.

Pic source

Well, Grace, I thought... A huge part of your life was spent waiting. Waiting to "grow up". Waiting for things to fall in place. Waiting for open doors. Waiting for good things to happen. Waiting for bad things to cease. Waiting for hurts to heal. Waiting for people. Waiting to be loved by a guy who would accept you the way you are - nerdy and geeky. And then, you came to wait for answered prayers. You came to wait on God - for His time, His place, His ways. Most of the time, you thought that you would die waiting. It took you a long time to appreciate those two words - "Too late" - because almost everything was apparently too late... Baa baa...

Here, I remembered to switch myself back to "good student" mode. Back with Dr. White. 

I think that I have mentioned before that waiting was not my forte. Waiting still isn't that much easier for me now.

To pass time while waiting, I have been keeping a book of waiting records for the past 10 years or so. Kind of. It has many parts - and each part records (and journals) the waits that I've had to engage in for a  particular season within the decade. The less-than-private parts (mostly related to med-school, seminary and church/missions/ministries) were posted up on my blogs - as a way of keeping myself accountable to my family and friends. And my mentors.

I thought about Grace's Book of Waiting Records again later in the day - and amused myself by recalling and defining some record-breaking waits. The funniest wait. The most exasperating wait. The most miserable wait. The most embarrassing wait. The most assured/faith-filled wait. You name it. I was thoroughly amused. My mouth kept grinning. A fun brain exercise - and definitely more meaningful than my near-unconscious habit of adding up numbers on car license plates when I hit the roads. (A friend told me recently that I should save up more of my brain bandwidth for my course assignments. I quite agree with her. I would lose a lot less hair.)

My thoughts fell on the longest wait. The hardest wait too. 

The longest and hardest wait began way before I started blogging or journaling. When exactly it began, I do not really know. I was young - probably in my early teens. I am also unclear as to when exactly the wait ended. Or if it has ended completely. I just know... that I don't really feel like I am waiting any more. Perhaps, waiting for that grand finale has become a way of life that it feels normal.

I was formally diagnosed with eating disorders when I was 16. That was also when my journey to recovery formally began. 

I shared in Aug 2012 (12 years later) that I no longer qualify today as an eating disordered person according to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fourth Edition or DSM-IV. That is true. However, I am still working hard on tying up many loose ends. Realistically speaking, the uprooting of bad roots and the unlearning of bad emotional habits still have to go on. While I no longer obsess over calories, exercise compulsively, binge or purge - and indeed, I have come a long way by God's grace - I am yet a work in progress. By the look of things, this status quo will carry on for a long while more. Perhaps, I am living out the Coda of the whole symphony. But one thing is for sure - my more-than-a-decade-long journey to recovery has eventually made me passionate. Passionate about the fragile life that I yet possess - that was not lost despite the terrible illness. Passionate to live this fragile life to the fullest. Passionate to see others live their lives to the fullest. Period.

Going back to Dr. White's sermon - I was encouraged somehow, that long waits are not necessarily bad. They may not necessarily mean that you are weak or not pro-active enough or not trying hard enough. They may just mean that God's time is not our time - and He doesn't do short-cuts. I guess, when a person makes up his mind to follow Christ, one can be comforted and assured that God would certainly accomplish His purposes in the fullness of His time.