Musing: Abandonment, a short story and lost sheep

A childhood fear of mine was abandonment. The other day, I happened to be musing on it.

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When I was a kid, I used to wonder... what if I woke up one day to discover that I had been given away to strangers. I was haunted by nightmares of my parents leaving the mall without me and leaving me to wander around the mall alone at night - and of myself being chased by the mannequins which had come alive after the mall had shut down. Another recurring dream I had was one which took me on random trips to a particular town that probably didn't exist in reality. The town wasn't particularly deserted, but the grey buildings and roads always looked lonely to me. Everything was pretty grey. In that town was a dance school in which I often took classes and a shopping mall which was always under renovation. I don't think I liked being there much.

Today, I still have the "adult version" of this fear, which I am slowly learning to overcome in Christ. I am not really afraid of being alone now. (In fact, I enjoy my solitude.) Rather, I am more afraid of being abandoned or forsaken, within the context of relationships.

By God's grace, I am now less wary of making friends and keeping them; I am more willing to be vulnerable in the name of love. I am less clingy or sticky to the people whom I trust - because I am slowly learning to find my emotional fulfillment in Christ. I am trying to run away from people less. I am also slowly removing the masks I wear. The defense mechanisms are in the process of being undone. But sometimes..... just sometimes....I lose sight of Christ, and return to floundering about in lies - of how I need to be "good enough", "likable enough", "successful enough" and "doing enough" in order that I wouldn't be left behind. Or left out. Or disapproved by the people whom I trust or look up to. Even my loved ones.

My imagination amazes me sometimes. 

Back to that day's muse: a picture - almost like I was watching a video - crossed my mind. I saw myself as a child, running behind a bus, trying to make it stop so that I could get on. But it never did. Field trip was over. My friends had gone before me. Laughter emanated from the windows of the bus. The boys seated right at the back were engaged in a playful game of punch. I waved, but they remained unaware. 

I was unmistakably left behind - all alone and forgotten - surrounded by dust and bushes. Soon, it was clear to me that I would never catch up no matter how quickly I ran. My heart sank. A sense of fear engulfed my heart. A sense of hopelessness. How would I get home? Where is home?

Looked up. The sky gazed back down at me silently. Somewhere underneath that huge blanket of blue, my home awaited. I wished that the clouds could speak. Call my mom! I want my mom! 

I realised that I had sprained my ankle, running after the bus. It was beginning to throb badly. Perhaps, I'll die here, I finally thought. And nobody would know. (Yups no handphone too. Or 3G.)

Limped over to the side of the road, in shock. There was a smudge on my white frock. I would usually have jumped. OC traits I have... but now, I was too distracted to fuss over it. The tall weeds swayed about in the breeze. The air smelled organic. Something buzzed nearby. A winged insect, unseen. I shut my eyes firmly and hoped that it wouldn't see me.

Suddenly, someone came running back. His footsteps were the best sound in the world, I promise. Startled, I looked up. A grown-up. Someone, whose hand I could hold!

The sun behind him was blinding. "I have come back for you!" he panted. He squatted down in front of me so that I would be convinced that I was not dreaming. I was so relieved that I cried long and hard in his shadow. I couldn't stop sobbing and he did not attempt to stop me. I sobbed till I had no tears left to cry. 

"Do you know me?" I finally squeaked. I was more timid than I sounded.

"You thought that nobody would care, didn't you? I did. I looked everywhere for you but you were not there. I made the bus stop. I know... you weren't expecting me..." he continued - "But I... really wanted to come and bring you back with me."

My heart beat with anticipation of home. And mom. 

"Can you walk?"

I looked down at my swollen ankle. "I don't think so," I gulped.

Without a word, he swung me carefully onto his back, stood up and began walking. His back was warm. And so was my heart. 

The end.

What a beautiful picture! I was somehow reminded of the parable of the lost sheep. And the Shepherd who left the ninety-nine other sheep to look for that mere one lost sheep. (See Matthew 18:10-14 and Luke 15:3-7) Been reflecting on it ever since.

Luke records this parable as part of Jesus' trilogy on His mission to the world. The parable of the lost sheep precedes those of the Lost Coin and the Prodigal Son.

Jesus came to seek and save the lost. To heal the separation which sin had forged between God and man - a curse that enslaves and can only lead to death. Away from the Source of Life, we eventually cease to live and have our being. Away from our Creator, our lives lack meaning and purpose because we do not understand our existence in a world of suffering and decay. Some of us fight to survive. Some of us, who have gotten the survival part settled (or so we think), fight to gain the whole world. But neither of these can equal to the fulfilling life that our Creator meant us to have - as ultimately, His sons and daughters, rested in their intimacy with God. An everlasting and abundant life. 

Jesus came to give hope, even to those whom the world deems shameful, unworthy, unpardonable, unmemorable and undesirable. These can now be assured that they too are loved - not by the world perhaps, but by One much greater than the world... God, who saved us from His own wrath. He bore that wrath for us on the cross.

Jesus is the good shepherd, who ultimately died for His sheep. He abandoned none - even when they abandoned the fold occasionally. He wanted to see all of them alive. Hundred out of hundred. We've got to chew on that.

For those who have received life, the Holy Spirit helps them to continue living while they continue to pursue God earnestly despite their failings.  

Alford Usher Soord's "Parable of the Lost Sheep"