Post-pregnancy and EDs

I haven't blogged about body issues for a while now - but I believe that those of you who have been following my blog (even since the Xanga or Grace Points days) know that I have a history of eating disorders which plagued me throughout my teenage and young adult years. I went to school, college and university with them. They tinged my happiest moments with shadows, my relationships with distrust and my readiness to live life to the fullest with fear. But they were who I was - or at least I thought so. You see, my eating disorders, tormenting as they were, gave me a sense of false security; They made me feel special, exceptional - like I was in full control of life when I was, in fact, never in control. I feared that losing them would mean losing my identity.

Lies. I believed in them. But thank God, my pursuit of Christ exposed them. As I encountered Him, I got to know the me I never knew. The me that could be so much more alive in Him. The me that was worth so much more than I thought - not because of anything I had done (or the way I looked), but because God, Creator of Heaven and Earth, had fashioned me as a masterpiece and provided for my reconciliation with Himself. The me that Jesus loves and died for. The me who had been slave to a master so much weaker than Christ and yet, one who had me in his chains because I was so deceived to think that they were the most beautiful things in the world. And the lies lost their appeal.

Having said that, it would be naive for any eating disorder sufferer to think that enlightenment, with regards to those lies, guaranteed an immediate return to life as it was before EDs. It does not. (And life post-ED will never be anything like life pre-ED. It is rather like losing your virginity - pardon the crude comparison, if it is.) Enlightenment is only the first step of a long journey - the evocative path of which meanders through a sort of wilderness, uprooting, testing and excavating. I don't know how any sufferer can finish the journey well without the rod and staff of the Shepherd (cf. Psalm 23) - I certainly couldn't have, myself.

Those lies may have lost their appeal. However, they do return in crafty ways and at one's most vulnerable moments - in attempt to seduce and catch a recovering sufferer off-guard. To paralyse and enslave again.

For me, they were around throughout my pregnancy. Thankfully, I was expecting them - and hence, by God's help (and the encouragement and prayers of the most important people in my life), they were stopped in their tracks. Besides, being pregnant with Sophie made me feel beautiful and pretty. I couldn't have given a damn.

Now that I am no longer pregnant, they lurk again in the air. They mock the flabbiness, the stubborn fat that has lodged itself in the most unflattering places, my inability to fit into my pre-pregnancy wardrobe and etc. They point me to the advertisements of slimming centers and "miracle" slimming pills - and they advocate the fad diets that celebrities subscribe to. While subtle, they also criticise the decisions I make as a mother - for example, to breastfeed my daughter (can't go on low carb diets or skip meals - what have you - when you want to breastfeed) and to be a stay-at-home-mom rather than pursue my ambitions (I do have quite a few which do not go with being a SAHM).

While I struggle, I do realise how important it is for me to stay close to the Lord so that I can have things in the right perspective.

While it would be nice, I do not need to be a size 8 (what I was before) to prove myself to the world.

I do not need a PhD to prove myself to the world. Neither do I need to be called "Doctor".

I do not need to be "out there", performing and being applauded, in order to be worthy of acceptance. God's acceptance in Christ is enough. Sophie's smile and excited cry when I pick her up are enough. My husband's tolerance of my quirks and admiration despite my eccentricities are enough. The enthusiasm of my closest friends over my new mama priorities is enough.

I do not need to be ill (with EDs) to be loved. God has blessed me with friends and family who love me even when I am unlovable.

I do not need to have EDs to be a somebody. I am a child of God.