Friday 17 October 2014

Of marriage proposals and words

My best friend (and Sophie's darling Godma) got engaged to her beau yesterday.

I thought that it was very sweet of Mr. Godma to make it so special for her. In my opinion (and I speak as a member of the generally more emotional sex), asking a girl to marry you, regardless of how much the both of you have discussed or planned marriage prior to that, should always be an effort you make to honour the lady you love. A proposal does not have to be extravagant or overly dramatic; neither does it have to involve too many people or be done in public like in the films (of course, you could). However, it does matter that you ask her properly and formally so that you put her heart at rest with regards to your commitment toward her, marriage and your leadership in your marriage. I used to think that such proposals were unnecessary and much ado about nothing until my husband proposed to me in June a few years back - in the dining room of my old flat (over home-cooked pasta and a bouquet of flowers). It was a simple event and there was only God, him and myself to witness all that happened - but I can't describe adequately with words how much that meant to me, back then and in retrospect.

It is by words that a man asks his lady to marry him. Written, shaped out of candy-floss (and etc), verbalised or signed.

It is also by words that he may shred the fabric of his wife's dreams for the marriage, leaving her desolate and cynical about their future.

I heard a man say to his wife this week: "I know you too well - and so, I do not like you anymore."

He told her that he loved her because that was the right thing to do (he holds that love is an action borne out of commitment toward the one chosen to be loved - and he would love her by helping out with the house chores, taking her to eat at the places she fancied and giving her money to spend)... but because she wasn't the "same woman" with whom he fell in love when they first met, he had ceased liking her. He meant, of course, that she had changed over time - having grown more selfish, short-tempered, hard to please and distant. She had also not been fulfilling her wifely sexual duties well (oh tough, I have no other way to describe them), as she found sexual intercourse painful and unsatisfying. I suspect that this is a very important issue for him - if not the most important. What she had tried to communicate to him but he failed to understand was that she did not feel very loved, despite all that he was doing. She craved words - affirming words, sweet words (like those he used in the early courtship days), wooing words, empathetic words, teasing words when she made her absentminded mistakes (rather than judgmental ones) and comforting words whenever she voiced out the troubles of her heart (rather than words of advice). He assumed that he knew his wife "too well", but she felt that he had stopped being interested in her. He knew not who she had become as the seasons passed - her evolving aspirations, dreams, likes and dislikes - and he did not bother to ask. The more he saw her in negative light, the more complacent he grew of finding out. And she wished that he would.

"You could tell me. It's tiring to keep asking."

"It's not as if it's all about you."

Well, he stopped liking her. I suppose that he did not like her weaknesses (there were probably things that he still admired about her) - but the words he used spelled out rejection and broke her heart. I don't know how carelessly those words were uttered, or if the man was half-drunk/asleep when they tumbled out of his mouth - but they had been spoken nevertheless, and their effect irrevocable. She could forgive him, but if she had my kind of memory, those words and the brokenness they effected would never be forgotten. They would haunt her during times of vulnerability... and temptation.

Well, he does not like me anymore... but this other man, he likes me. He is interested in me.

My heart goes out to her.

To be fair, she is a flawed being. Yes, she may be selfish, short-tempered and hard to please. And lacking in sexual libido. But you, Mr. Man, aren't perfect either. I imagine that you are frustrated...and yes, it is your obligation to love her as her husband, but have you made the effort to like her as well? By saying that, I don't mean that you should force yourself to feel good about her weaknesses. Rather, be interested in her like you were while you were courting. Her favourite colour, food, books and music might have changed; ask her. Her opinions, struggles and fears may have changed; let her know that you care. Her walk with God might have faltered; build her up with your words so that she would be encouraged to get up and walk right with Him again. Celebrate her strengths, her beauty and her charm - instead of criticising her flaws. Romance her with the endearing words she longs for, affirm her, praise her. Seek to understand her heart. You asked her to marry you (and she responded), so take lead now in speaking her love language, even when she can't speak yours yet. Make her feel like she is that important to you - and in fact, the most important to you, after God. Allow her to transform into the woman that you would like her to be (assuming that your ideals are reasonable).

And perhaps, she would feel emotionally up for sex again. A woman can't quite submit (bodily) to a man who lacks interest in her as a person and respect for her dignity.

But then again and like I said, I speak as a woman. And a married one too.

1 comment:

adeline said...

well said.