Left behind

I was up at the seminary this morning to hand in the last bit of my illustration work.

Didn't expect to find myself sitting down for a heart-to-heart chat with my boss - but I did.

And I am glad that I did. We talked about the challenges of motherhood, my intentions to further my studies (and the related dilemmas, now that I'm a mother; it is never easy being so academically driven - and I don't even know why I am like that), upcoming missions projects and etc. I felt so understood. So mothered. So relieved at not having to explain myself that much because Dr. R is a mother herself, and her kids are all grown-up by now.

And then perhaps, a word of knowledge came to Dr. R, and she said emphatically something along the lines of, "You must be feeling left behind..." She was of course referring to the situation I am in - what with my batch mates moving on to pursue their MTh degrees, a step closer to their doctorates, while I want to do the same but hesitate... as I do not know what life (with a child) has in store for me and if I would be a horrible mother for wanting to study.

I shed some tears because I AM feeling left behind - and it hurts somehow. Regardless of how very blessed I am to have Sophie in my life and how blessed others think I am, it still hurts when I meet up with that particular group of friends and hear them discussing their academic paths. It hurts whenever I see links to attractive study packages in seminaries around the world... and realise that the idea of studying in those places is too far-fetched. Of course, being a mother is the best "job" in the world, if you could call it a job; it is also an important mission field - but even mothers have ambitions, dreams and passions. Is it that wrong for a mother to want? I, being very realistic and human, can only hope that I would want for good reasons. I pray that if and when I do further my studies, it would not be out of some egoistic need for worldly admiration (or even admiration from my fellow Christians). It would not be because I feel left out while my friends are studying. Rather, it would be my gift back to God with the academic gifts/talents He has placed in me - to write more impactful theological discourses, to teach better (even my own children), to preach better, to minister better... and to love others more unselfishly. To be a more faithful mother, wife, sister, friend, church member and community person.

Let me be contented in this waiting season.

This was my contemplation for the day.