I am about to blog about something that would probably make me sound over-reactive and hypersensitive.
If I do to you, I apologise.
Anyway.
All throughout my life, I've never called anyone but my mother "mama". I call my father "pa", my grandparents "gong gong" (for grandpa) and "po po" (for grandma) regardless of which side of the family they were from, and etc. I was never confused.
The word "mama" is an emotionally loaded word to me. It must have been one of my very first words (just as it was, for Sophie, along with "papa") - and it was natural that I should have attached it to my reference to that one woman, whose body had once been my home and sustenance. When I utter it today, I am flooded with a sense of warmth, happiness, and security. I remember my late mother's face, the beauty of which could never be tarnished by any line or blemish, pallor or frown. That lovely face hovered over me when I was ill in bed; it greeted me when I tumbled into her car after school, exhausted and farmished; it shone when I kissed her goodnight; and it creased at the forehead and brows when she was worried. And she was always worried because she loved us and didn't know any better. Mama was a woman who was the best mama in the world (to me) not because she made no mistakes or had no weaknesses. Rather, she was the best mama in the world because she tried her best to be one from the very day she discovered that she was carrying me in her belly - and I love her for it. While I've always had the most loving and giving spiritual moms in the world, I could never bring myself to call any one of them "mama". No, "mama" belonged and belongs to my mother, because nobody would be able to occupy her spot in my heart. Ever. I always looked forward to the day when my own child would call me "mama".
Fast forward to when I brought Sophie into the world and beyond, I now have a problem with this "mama" thing. It makes up at least 40% of my daily woes. This is because my parents-in-law (Sophie's grandparents) insist that Sophie calls her grandma "mama" and they have been doing it since day 1. (Apparently, it's both Cantonese and Hokkien. Why can't we just stick with Mandarin?) We have been staying with my in-laws since November last year, and everyday, I have been struggling silently whenever my MIL refers to herself as "mama". They refer to me as "mummy" (which is so much harder to pronounce) and Ben as "daddy" or "papa" (which is weird, because shouldn't "papa" and "mama" come in one pair?). I struggle to resist responding with a "Yes?" whenever Sophie calls "mama", unless we are out of earshot. Whenever I do, I feel so much guilt that I revert to referring to myself as "mummy" and nothing but. It's just... not the same.
Now, I don't mean to be mean-spirited or selfish, but honestly, I feel robbed. And resentful. On some days, I feel so pained and troubled that I cry and lash out at Ben for not saying anything or doing anything about it. And it's not really his fault. I do understand that it is just as hard for him as it is for me. She is after all, his mom.
We don't know what to do about this. We don't want to dishonour his parents, who have been making many sacrifices to accommodate us in their home and daily routines. We don't want to make things difficult for my MIL who has tried to love me as a daughter. We also don't want to make a big deal out of this with Sophie - and confuse her. I am after all, the mother, and nobody can replace me. I know this well. Why then, should it matter so much to me whether I am called "mama" or "mummy" or anything else?
But it does. Ridiculous as it may sound, I am having a hard time swallowing my "fate". It is affecting me - my feelings toward motherhood, my self-esteem, my marriage.
I miss my mama and wish that she was here to help me through this.
10 comments:
I feel you...I had the same feeling too. hmm... u may not be able to change what Sophie calls your MIL now, cos she just imitates whatever that has been taught to her. but when she is bigger, probably 1.5years old, you can slowly direct her to call your MIL Ah Mah (hokkien) Ah Ma (Cantonese) when you are talking to her. for example, Sophie, see Ah Mah/Ah Ma is calling you. Look Ah Mah/Ah Ma is cooking. Sooner or later, Sophie will be able to understand that you want her to call your MIL Ah Mah/Ah Ma. When Sophie calls mama when refering to your MIL, just repeat...oh you are calling Ah Mah/Ah Ma.. yes Ah Mah/Ah Ma is there....say such thing to overide what sophie is saying and directing her to what you want her to say. I have tried and it worked. Just continue with this tactic even though your MIL will still refer herself as mama.
As a mother, you have the right to want what your child calls you. I don't think it is dishonouring if you ask your child to call your MIL another name such as Ah Mah and Ah Ma. Continue to use the word Mama when referring to yourself when you are talking to Sophie. Children are very good at different intonation, they can differentiate the tone perfectly although it may spell the same way. slowly, your child will change her words to call your mil Ah Mah/Ah Ma when you use frequently in front of her even though your MIL will continue to use Mama to refer to yourself.
No one should rob you from your motherhood. An understanding and loving mother in law/mother will never do that to their daughter. I say be selfish in this matter, there is nothing wrong/sinful for wanting your child to call you mama. since it affects you so much. You can still honour them in other ways.Try my method and see. sooner or later, your MIL will learn to accept that name although she will still refer herself as mama but your child would have been trained by then to call her Ah Mah/Ah ma.
Hmmmm. Good idea. I will try when she is older then.
you need to start now ...actually, they do understand... just that they dont have the speech control and it takes time for the habit to form, so i suggest u start early.
My dear Grace, it is so natural to have such feelings. A lot of mothers go through the same selfish desires but keep it inside and suffer. Thank God for His grace and inner strength when we cry out to Him in our weakness and He helps us, always without fail. Try to look at it this way, isn't it a wonderful blessing to have someone extra who loves Sophie just as much as you do? I always feel my children are blessed to have so many adults to love them - to fill up my inadequacies as a mother. So, whatever label I feel doesn't matter cos at the end of the day, only you are the true "mama" to your Sophie.
Unknown : That is true. :) It's just... my personal insecurities and cultural differences going clash bang. :p I would definitely need God's grace to move on.
I understand how you feel. But can't you talk to MIL to see what she says? Isn't the accent on mama for grandma different than for mother though? Maybe MIL will understand how you want to be called mama. Sophie is your daughter after all. :-)
Adeline: Sigh, I am even afraid of the thought of bringing up the subject with my MIL. I'm shy like that. Plus, she may not object to it - but I can't tell for sure what she really feels. I don't want to hurt her unnecessarily. She is after all a great MIL.
The accent is different, yes. But I am not sure if Sophie would be confused, as it is the same word.
This must be so hard for you. Bring your struggle to God. I trust that He will give you the wisdom to do what you need to do, whether it be processing your own feelings and accepting what needs to be accepted, or talking to your in-laws about it and praying that they understand how precious the word "mama" is to you. God is our Father. He knows your heartache. Praying for you too, dear Grace. Hugs...
Grace, seen your latest post. Have u tried the method I said above? My kids now called both sides with additional word 'ah' .. so ah mah (hokkien) ah ma (Cantonese). Nowadays I test them by saying mama to refer to their grandmas. They will auto switch to ah mah/ ah ma . Do try but takes months of consistent practice. For your own sanity of mind n to be happy mama, do try ya.
I understand the jealousy part cos if u Google, it seems common btw a mother in law n daughter in law thing. I have that too.
Haha, I don't think it worked out, because grandma keeps referring to herself as "Mama" so Sophie doesn't think that it's necessary to change, and I didn't want to insist on "Ah ma" just in case my MIL thinks that I'm challenging her. However, my husband and I refer to grandma as "Grandma". So if you ask Sophie to call "grandma", she will go "mama".
Think it's good if I could chat with you about this offline. :)
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