I haven't really played for more than a year now.
Apart from those few instances when divine intervention (and a friend's kind initiative - I'm so honoured and grateful) had me playing for my Immortal King in a graduation banquet and a seminar, I haven't been practising. Or even playing for fun. The dust on my piano and books lie about 3 inches thick. Despite the fact that I always feel ashamed about it.
To be fair, when we moved in with my in-laws last November, my piano didn't come along. When we finally moved it into my in-laws' place, I couldn't really connect with it anymore, for some reason. Environmental, mostly. And partially due to the internal conflicts I didn't know how to deal with. Making music just made me hurt even more. It reminded me of what I had left behind. The losses and goodbyes. I actually felt sad whenever I played.
My husband says that I feel too much - and perhaps, he is right.
I didn't feel like playing and so I didn't play. Yet, when I listen to music or watch pianists on the YouTube, I ache to play like I used to. I miss being a musician - for the sheer pleasure and delight of playing as well as the identity. Maybe, even, I am lost now, because I can't really identify myself as a musician anymore. Yes, I should ascertain my identity in Christ and anchor myself in that - and I guess this is what the season is about. Learning that ultimately, being a child of God is what matters most. But when you are wired the way I am, and music has always been your world and playground, bread and butter, it feels odd when you part ways with it and see yourself as a separate entity. Perhaps, my mistake is that I lumped being a musician together with being a performer. Now that I am not a performer, I don't feel like a musician anymore. It shouldn't have to be that way. Music does not need an audience. A musician doesn't need to play just to entertain. Rather, one was made to play in order to live and thus, lives to play. One who lives not is dead.
While the solution seems simple enough, I don't know how to begin playing again.
I don't know why I am ranting. Even I want to slap myself now.
2 comments:
For such a long time I, too, didn't know how to play just for enjoyment and not to "perform"..I'm still learning (although I still really need the "mood" to play). Actually, it was you who reminded me that the mere love of making music was as good a reason as any other to play even if no other pair of ears was listening :D
Yes, it is something that I have to keep reminding myself. The mere love of making music is the best reason to play - especially because God, the giver of the gifts and pleasure, is listening.
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