Shadows

Perhaps, I am not afraid of lines, sagging body parts, aches and pains. Nobody stays young forever.

I am just afraid of arriving at one point of my life and looking back with regret. Over the things I should have done in my youth but was too afraid to try. Over the things I shouldn't have done and yet did, thinking that history would shut its eyes to me for a while. I always woke up realising that it never stopped looking. Where we like it or not, history collects the shadows of the has beens. From my sins, I eventually repented, but their shadows dance in the background still - and they always take a long time to fade away. Normally, I try to catch the light that God sends graciously into the present picture so that the shadows pale. Light purges darkness. But on days when one feels like God is so far away, she also grows a little blind to light so that the old, unwelcome shadows emerge to take centre stage. Sometimes, they are even macabre. They are the reason I am so indecisive. So overly cautious. I fear making mistakes. I hate living the consequences of my failures. They warn me that my choices in life cost something in the long run. I pray that I might sacrifice the right things and not give up those that I was not meant to lose.

Yes, I know that God makes all things work together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. To believe Romans 8:28 is a life journey of ups and downs for me.

I am about to make a major decision soon.

I wonder what its shadows will be like. But oh, to have one's eyes filled with the sweet light of God at all times so that one sees nothing but hope even when there must be shadows around, somewhere. This is my heart's desire.

There is no shadow of turning with Thee. Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me.