And (it's gonna sound a little cliche, but I will say it anyway), so will I. I will be a two-year-old mother to the little princess.
Many blessings, I have received. The joys of every milestone, big or small. The warmth of every one of her hugs and kisses that seeps into my soul like hot soup on a cold day. The delights of productivity with regard to cleaning, feeding, coaxing, playing, teaching, and making her laugh. The lessons God teaches me - on patience, perseverance, (His) love, forgiveness, and my need to depend on Him. The friendship of fellow mothers that eclipses much of the loneliness I often feel. The consistent support of those close and dear - you know who you are. The awe of tracing His patterns in the entire tapestry of yet another year. These make up for the tears, the battles I fight daily, the losses, the broken nights, and everything else I find difficult.
God be praised. Because honestly and truly, every day is a crazy, exhausting day. Not so much because Sophie is tough to handle - because she actually isn't. Her diet, routines, and ways are as predictable as clockwork (usually). She is mostly happy and wonderful to be with. Of course, if I had more energy and talking stamina, it would be even more wonderful - but I'm contented. Rather, my days are crazy exhausting because I struggle a lot with anxiety and guilt. I am naturally an anxious and guilty person - especially in the context of depression, perfectionism, low self-esteem, and obsessive compulsive traits. Motherhood seems to be a whole new soil for the seeds of anxiety and guilt to grow into trees - if one does not learn to take the pressures and insecurities in her stride. To be unaffected, self-acceptance is needed. One needs to accept that it is OK to be imperfect... to make mistakes as long as we learn from them... and that her kid will be imperfect regardless of how wonderful a mother she is. God's grace is sufficient for us. Our children may be very important to us - but they are even more important to God. He is their Maker. The One who made them to fulfill His very important purposes.
Obviously, I am still not very good at this.
So from the moment I wake up, I feel anxious and guilty. I feel bad that I didn't wake up earlier to pray - or do household chores. (So hard to wake up though!) Mid-morning, I walk awkwardly out of the house, feeling stressed about going down to the gym to exercise, because it would mean leaving Sophie to my mother-in-law and (possibly) troubling her when she has so much to do already. My distress escalates exponentially once an hour has passed - and I hurry home. Back home, I kick myself for not doing enough with Sophie - engaging, playing, reading, etc. In the afternoons, I despise myself for feeling happy about going out to work even though I know that work will be good for me. Returning home from work relieves the conflict in my heart although I often find myself wishing that time out hadn't passed by so quickly. In the evenings, I find it so hard to leave Sophie (again) with her grandparents while Ben and I eat dinner, just the two of us. We come home in time to pray with her and put her to bed. On top of the routine anxiety and guilt, I worry much about what people might think of me. My in-laws, my husband, my friends, fellow mothers, church, etc. I analyse and reanalyse my life decisions, mull over people's responses to my decisions, and feel troubled over the silliest things. I even bear grudges against myself. At the end of it all, I am drained.
No, I don't want to go on like this. I've definitely got to work on my thought habits by God's word and help. Renew my mind, Lord.
Here's to a more guiltless year ahead.
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