moving on...

In the past week, my heart has been feeling as tender as a piece of meat which I've slapped with the back of my Chinese cleaver-knife and marinated a day with salt, pepper and herbs.

Like I mentioned in my previous posts, I've even sensed God speaking to me through the randomest movies/people/books about things dearly important to my heart - particularly moving on in life and becoming a whole person so that I can serve Him better. This has been the crux of this season's life lessons somehow. There are so many facets of moving on; so many past issues to put to an end; people to forgive... Also, one has got to accept the fact that there are many things that can't be changed - but still need to be addressed and their "sunny sides" harnessed so that while history doesn't repeat itself, sweeter history can be wrought in the future. More than anything, one who desires to move on has got see that man's history is ultimately all about a gracious and sovereign God. Because of Him, there can be beauty in ashes, triumph in tears, sweetness in brokenness... and hope - the light that is shining at the end of the dark tunnel.

Anyway... last night, after returning home from a worship practice at church, I clicked on one of the telly channels... and watched the ending of a movie purely for the sake of entertainment (I don't even know the title of the movie.. tsk, tsk, tsk...) Suddenly there came a scene whereby the girl, who was struggling with her parents' divorce, was crying in the arms of her loving step-mother. Her step-mother later conveyed the message to her husband (the girl's father) and his ex-wife (the girl's biological mum) that while their divorce couldn't have been avoided in the past, they still needed to bring their marriage to a proper and respectful closure (very sad I know) - to honor the love that they once had for one another. This was also so that their daughter could rest assure that she had been a product of parents who were in love with one another, wanted her and did think that they would stay married forever. I cried at that part. But I also felt somewhat... comforted.

Now, I don't advocate divorce. I come from a family whereby my parents loved and made many sacrifices for their children. Nevertheless, my parents' marriage could be at times likened to having "bats in the belfry"... As a child, I suffered greatly from the many brokenness that resulted from it all the conflicts. Towards the end of my mom's life (which was drastically shortened by her illness as well as depression), my parents hardly showed one another love. My mum cried a lot on her own and my dad was mostly absent from the home. It took me quite some time to accept that their marriage did fall apart. Many times, I swung to-and-fro between being angry with dad... and sometimes, with mum. Other times, I was just confused who to be angry at. The long periods of silent treatment they gave one another drained me and I wondered why couldn't they just go separate ways instead of staying together for the sake of us, children. Occasionally, I would fantasize being so gravely ill that my parents would just come together and we could be a happy family once again. Yeah, stupid. But if you were ever in the same boat, you'd understand.

My time spent in medical school (away from home) brought tons of healing upon my life - but I still struggle at times. Recently, I realized (through talking to a good friend) that my strange habit of giving up when I predicted a failure of some sort (in any aspect of my life) was a kind of escape mechanism. Unconsciously, it's a way to protect myself from the hurt which I saw my own mother putting up with before, because it freaked me out. This was also part of the reason - none of my BG relationships in the past ever lasted. Whenever I saw an imperfection, I would plan my route of escape from being in that particular relationship so that I could avoid the pain. Ben was the only who was able to hold onto my heart despite all odds and somehow I did not manage to completely lose hope in my relationship with him (although I hurt him many times - like when I threw my engagement ring at him once, when I was angry about something). Consequently, while my courtship with Ben was the most painful (sometimes I cried till I wanted to die, haha), it brought about the most joy and healing; indeed God's grace has surpassed our weaknesses. We are... married! :D

Having arrived at where I am today, I blame neither my dad nor my mum anymore. However, I know I have yet to put the past behind me - and move on so that I can give myself fully and wholly to my marriage and God's service. Indeed knowing that I am a product of parents who were very much in love with one another, wanted me and did think that they would stay married forever makes a whole lot of difference to me.

And I believe that God had wanted me to know that.