A near-binging episode

One of those days I feel emo and anti-social.

My hubby and I were talking through this very sensitive (and kinda unpleasant) issue last night.

Consequently, I got very emotional and agitated. As time ticked by, the pressures in me got worse. Nearly lost control. Somehow, I felt that I was going to binge-eat (an old emotional/ED habit that is sometimes triggered by stress; it still pops by to say "Hello" once in a while) - and then I realized that it could be a downward spiral from there on. After standing in our kitchen for a while and hesitating, I sat down (told hubby that if I moved out of my chair, I would self-destruct), let out the "pressure" in my chest by crying... and then I could pray. It wasn't a very elaborate prayer - just a few words. But it did calm me down. I did not get out of my chair till I had dealt with my emotions. Praise God for the strength! After that, I could go to bed. Was so exhausted though. I'm sure my poor hubby was as well. But I'm glad and thankful that I did not binge.

I was thinking to myself while sitting in my chair - what was that? Why did I react this way? A spiritual attack of some sort?

Actually, come to think of it, the near-binging episodes had already begun on my final 2 nights in Singapore. I call them "near-binging" because those were nothing like any of the full-fledged binges I've had in the past when I was stuck in my ED. (Back then, the binges were much more horrendous ones - you would think that I had the stomach of Godzilla. You would wonder if I had been starving for the last 10 years. Plus I always binged in secret - and almost never failed to attempt purging afterward.) This time, I was merely eating and eating in front of Ji - in the middle of the night. Pure carbs... the very sweet to the very savoury. Told her that I was depressed (I couldn't make out the reason for my low mood though). It was good that I was under supervision. After supervising me for a while (ah, such a wonderful friend), Ji patiently told me, "Grace, you are binging." And I stopped and went to bed!

In the past week of being back in Penang, I've had some more of those near-binging episodes. But I praise God that I did not venture anywhere near it last night... and that He is teaching me to depend on Him rather than the "high" from food when I get emotional.