Uncertainties

Knowing that a baby is on his/her way fills me with all kinds of worries. Of both the maternal and non-maternal kind.

Perhaps "worries" isn't the most appropriate word. I think "uncertainties" would be a better word to describe my unsettledness. I am not exactly worried (which is fear-based) ~ because I know that God is good and that He has indeed heard all my prayers (as well as the prayers of all my closest friends/loved ones). In His time, all things will be beautiful. Uncertainties, on the other hand, cause me to wonder without a conclusion. I wonder what God would do ~ and what's in store. I'm like the child trying to sleep on the eve of Christmas knowing that goodies are being placed under the Christmas tree ~ and it's no peeking or opening presents till tomorrow morning. No matter how I try to peer beyond the bend, I cannot see. And so there is additionally a sense of frustration in knowing that I am never going to be in control no matter how I try to control.

One of my biggest uncertainties at the moment is if God wants me to continue teaching piano after the baby arrives. My work does provide me a little pocket-money (God's provision no doubt) ~ and I love the children (as well as my colleagues). Working with the children has made me more cheerful and fulfilled. I love our meaningful, short chats about life. I love it when they are quirky and amuse me with their unpretentious remarks. I love it when they share with me their struggles. I wouldn't mind being a children's pastor. Nevertheless... having given teaching much thought, I don't really see myself teaching piano for too long this time. Firstly, I don't see myself always having to drive to and from Faith MC when I have got a baby to care for (without the help of a baby-sitter). It would be quite tough to bring my baby to work with me too. (It's a 20-minute drive one-way.) Secondly, teaching while I study part-time can be draining. I hardly cook in the evenings because I usually arrive home at 7pm, famished. When the baby comes, we can't be eating out so often... and I would have even less time for my assignments.

If teaching is about the pocket-money, I should trust God to provide for me even when I can't afford to teach anymore.

If I were to stop teaching, how should I do it without leaving my 8 students at Faith MC "floating" teacher-less and my boss short-handed? I'd better start praying for a replacement teacher for my students then.